27. Occasionally it will tell me to harm myself, or do something to put myself in harm’s way.
“I hear many things. There’s a couple of voices that I hear; one is degrading, telling me how worthless I am. Occasionally it will tell me to harm myself, or do something to put myself in harm’s way (e.g., telling me to jump out a car door while the car is moving, or jump in front of a train when I’m at the train station). The other voice is a lot more confusing. Sometimes it’ll tell me how I’m special, more special than anyone in the world. Sometimes it tells me that I’m doing things the wrong way, yet it won’t tell me what I’ve done wrong. Sometimes it will tell me to pay extremely close attention to something mundane—last time I listened to it, it told me to count bumps in a wall, because it was somehow important.
Aside from the voices, there’s a bunch of other auditory hallucinations. I often hear static, a bit like an untuned radio, and occasionally a deafening explosion. One hallucination that I actually am truly grateful for is the music in my head; for the past 10 years or so, in the background, is this wonderful, alien music that’s forever morphing and changing. The only downside I see with that is that i get lost in it, paying little attention to the real world, because listening to it is the most wonderful experience.”
28. He told me just last week that I could kill a man walking down the street with my knife in my pocket.
“I hear a man and a girl.
The man tells me things that aren’t true, or are out of grasp. For instance, he would tell me to go hit on this girl, when I know she’s out of my league. But sometimes, he will say things that just aren’t right. For instance, he told me just last week that I could kill a man walking down the street with my knife in my pocket. That I can play god, and that I am god, and everything that is, is me. He scares me. I only hear him when I’m alone, and depressed, however.
The girls voice is an odd story. I had an ex move away to Florida about six months ago, without saying a word to me. Just up and left. But the girls voice, I can recognize as my ex’s, Kelly. She’s the nice one, whom I hear a lot of. She tells me that I shouldn’t fear being alone, and I shouldn’t fear death. I shouldn’t be afraid of what lies ahead, but embrace it rather. She’s also my ‘heightened common sense,’ if you will. Like if I’m cooking…..I don’t know, a cake. She’ll tell me exactly what to put in the bowl, and what consistency it should be, and how long it would take. And she’s always right, I haven’t read directions for cooking since I started hearing her. She tells me I’m a nice, loving, kind hearted and generous man, and that I shouldn’t listen to the angry tempered man in my head. Nobody knows that I hear these voices, not even my mom, who I’m super close to. I might head these voices, but I see it as a good thing. I have a different understanding of the world, as well as several viewpoints on an issue when I have one. The only real problem is, when I’m alone, I talk to the girl, the one that sounds like Kelly…And we have nice conversations. Like me and the real Kelly did. I am so in love with this girl, even after 6 months, that hearing this voice even hurts sometimes. We talk daily, the voice and I. Through my thoughts, when I’m around people, and aloud when I’m alone. She tells me every night before I fall asleep, ‘Sweet dreams, my darling. When you wake tomorrow, I will be here when you wake tomorrow. Sleep tight. I love you, don’t let the bed bugs bite” Then I smell a perfume that smells like strawberries, and I feel a faint kiss on the cheek. This routine kills me on the inside, because I know who the voice is…I know EXACTLY who it is….And it scares me. I cry every night, when I feel that faint kiss on my cheek, because that’s what Kelly would do…And she’s gone, forever…I’m sad that I hear her tell me she loves me every night, because I know she’s not real, but at the same time….I’m glad I’m not alone…All of my friends left because I’m either an atheist, or I don’t have money to give them to get fucked up every night. I know Kelly is gone, and I know the voice is fake….But at least I have someone to talk to, who understands me, and somebody to tell me they love me every night of my life….That’s all I could ask for…I wish this voice were a real person, here with me, instead of a voice of a person that I’m madly in love with and will never see again. I’m sorry if I spelled anything wrong, I’m bawling at the moment, so its a tad hard to type…But I feel like typing this out makes me feel better, and makes it a little easier to cope with, knowing that thousands of you…are interested in hearing my story.”