“Molly. FUCKING MOLLY.
Weirdly, she was hired by accident. It was a less-grand version of a Shakespearean case of mistaken identity. I’d interviewed someone with the same name and similar physical features a few days earlier and left word with the manager that she was a winner if she came back. So he happily met me at the door one day to let me know that Molly had returned, and had been hired! Great! Except…wrong Molly.
This Molly was unbelievably slow, incapable of doing simple tasks, was possibly fucking her brother (who brought her lunch every day and sat in the break room holding her hand while they ate together), and yet was somehow also incomprehensibly smug. She bragged about her previous ‘government job’ (she’d worked at a fast-food restaurant that was located on a military base), refused to accept correction of any kind, and seemed to find new ways of indulging in needless stupidity daily.
When she was fired, it took her two days to figure out that she didn’t have a job. Those days were interesting. The first time, she drove in as usual, tried to clock in, and had to be told once again that she no longer had a job. The second time (the next day), she had someone drop her off. She then wrote her arrival time on a sticky note, left it on the manager’s computer, and sat down at her old desk and started busily going about her day. That time, we had to threaten her with calling the police if she didn’t leave. She took the hint, called her ride (brother, of course), and then sat outside in a handicapped parking spot until he arrived to pick her up several hours later.
“Linda. She has a comment for everything. The most annoying Linda-ism is that any time you’re in the kitchen, she rolls by slowly and makes some sort of comment about whatever you’re eating. ‘Wow, that’s a lot of strawberries!’ ‘That doesn’t look like enough food for lunch.’ ‘Huh, that pasta looks weird, what is it?’ JUST LET ME EAT MY LUNCH IN PEACE, LINDA. GOD.”
The man is basically those manatees from South Park but with business buzzwords. Nothing he says actually means anything when you break it down. He never commits to a goddamn thing and he’s a pathological liar. On a sad note, I think he’s going to end up with Alzheimer’s.”
“That would be Wayne, the old timer who always smells like he needs a shower or change of clothes, and who is always giving me crap about trying too hard because (I do my best to stay out of it but) I make him look bad when my boss assigns me to work on something he’s been in charge of before. At first he was patronizing but friendly. Lately things have escalated so I almost think I must be interfering with kickbacks he gets from our contractors or something, because he’s getting more openly hostile.”