10. He totally does this to himself
I don’t like speaking ill of my patients mainly because I think we all neglect our health to a certain extent volitionally, and that can be viewed as “dumb”.
But the winner is Aristotle*. Aristotle is a 35 year old highly functional corporate lawyer. Aristotle has G6PD deficiency and (in his case) he develops mild hemolysis when exposed to certain foods, including fava beans. Every year for his birthday, Aristotle goes to the fancy Greek restaurant and gets gigandes plaki, his favourite dish. Every year he develops mild hemolysis with mild jaundice and dark urine. Every year he comes to see me, his gastroenterologist, urgently and without an appointment on the day after his birthday — bull-in-china-shopping my clinic, yelling at the secretary and other patients if he could be seen first. Every year he repeats his highly anxious concerns that his liver is screwed up because he’s mildly jaundiced and has dark urine. Every year I tell him it’s from the gigandes plaki. Every year he resolves never to eat it again and is fine for the rest of the year on his G6PD diet.
And every year on his birthday, he forgets. And then the cycle continues.
11. Cure us with ur mind plz
A lot of patients come to the hospital because they are “sick” but refuse to do any tests or take any medicine. Do people expect healthcare workers to do a ritual dance and chant around them and magically heal their illnesses?
12. But seriously
Patient: “Well do I really NEED the chest x-ray and EKG?”
Me: “Well you came here for a cough and chest pain soooo…”
P: “Yes but do I NEED them?”
Me: (thinking) WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME HERE?!