23 People Confess The Dark Secret They Will Never Tell Their Family

23. I am in an abusive relationship.

“I am in an abusive relationship…in fact, no one knows.

My mum hates my fiancé but she truly doesn’t know how he is. She just thinks he isn’t good enough for me. But what she doesn’t realize is that in the years I have been with him, while he hasn’t hit me (yet), he has shoved me out of the way when trying to talk to him to calm him down, or the way he screams and yells at me in fights.

I would think that when people see my pictures on social media they would believe I am the happiest and luckiest girl in the world because I was just recently engaged to a man who is attractive and charismatic and appears to have money. I seem to have everything anyone could want like a fast car and credit cards and nice clothing. Our engagement photos were in one of the largest cities in my country where the famous, affluent, and wealthy tend to flock, in front of an icon of the city that everyone knows.

It was a surprise engagement. I knew about the trip. But years ago I should have stayed gone the first time.

He is very jealous and insecure. He threatens to kill himself if I leave. He has grabbed me and thrown me into the bed and the hard flooring that he has downstairs. He is upset I am going to college. He keeps saying I’m going to cheat on him and men are going to flirt with me and want to sleep with me (that may be true, but I am not unfaithful).

He often tells me in our weekly arguments that I should leave him if it’s so bad and that I need someone better than him. But he also will tell me that if I leave him, someone else will abuse me and hit me.

Last night after we went out to the city, we got into an argument over my tone of voice. I offended him because I had sounded mad, but I apologized profusely and assured him I wasn’t.

This escalated into him driving erratically down the motorway. He took my hand and hit himself with it saying he would call the police and said I punched him in the face. When we got back to the house he grabbed me by arms and held me into the wall twice; during the second time he pressed his fist into my jaw as hard as he could.

I am scared of him and all day I’ve been in the house while he’s at work. I feel miserable. I’ve gotten sick a few times. I hate myself because I feel powerless that I can’t leave him because I love him (why???).

He owns ‘my’ computer, car, phone, clothes… nearly everything…a lot of the time I feel like committing suicide to escape, because I also feel like my family hates me (for choosing him over them). My mother has hit me and so has my eldest brother. My youngest brother doesn’t care enough to get involved.

I am so ashamed of myself and I know I can get over hurt pride if I could ever admit to needing help. I have self-harmed in attempt to feel something other than…this, and in attempt to commit suicide. My family doesn’t know that but I have dark scars on my arms I hide. I feel so lonely and I often imagine disappearing or going somewhere nice and dying. When I was at a beach this summer, I wanted to drown in the ocean and float away.

Sorry for the length. I’m shaking typing this because I’m scared he’ll find out. It feels better to admit this here than to anyone else.”

__free Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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