10. My ‘uncle’ is a rapist.
“I know my ‘uncle’ Joe is a rapist. Joe is a close family friend. He’s been around my whole life. When I was a teenager, I walked in on my uncle during a Christmas party having sex with a girl I’ll call Carmen, who was a couple of years older than me. I presumed it was sex because the noises were right and Carmen had a rep for being wild and preferring older men. Joe was married. I just thought he was being a dick.
In the 1980s, there was a bunch of unreported rapes in our town. It was an open secret. One night, when I was about 8, I accidentally overheard a very drunk Joe confessing to being the guy who did it. My father dismissed him, told him he was a liar.
I went away for a couple of months and came back. Someone told me Carmen was accusing Joe of rape. She was drugged and by the time she realized there’d been a rape, there wasn’t any physical evidence left. Joe denied having sex with her. She’d went to the cops. Nothing had been done but the rumors got out.
So I went to the police and gave a statement about that night and what I heard. Joe was questioned but it didn’t go anywhere. My father wouldn’t forgive me if he knew.”
11. I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation.
“I am pretty deeply unhappy. I don’t think anyone in my circle of friends/family knows this. I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation.”
12. I want to die most of the time.
“That fact that I want to die most of the time.”
13. I have this weird hatred of my vagina.
“That I have this weird hatred of my vagina. I hate talking about, looking at, often touching it. It makes me so uncomfortable. I identify as female, love a lot of feminine things, I even really want to have kids but being a woman disgusts me. I don’t even like my SO to see it. I cry when anyone gets near it or it has to be looked at.
Recently I’ve been having problems with my periods and the little sex I have is painful, but I refuse to go a doctor. I don’t want them to touch or look at it. My SO wants me to go, worried it could be something that could prevent me from having kids if not checked…but I’m too afraid and too disgusted to go.
I feel like a freak, and I don’t understand why I’m like this.”