28. She got off and said, ‘See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?’
“I had just moved cities. As a young teen, this was kinda heartbreaking given the circumstances. It took a week before I was being bullied at my new school. A month after moving and I was seeing doctors about being diagnosed with depression. When the biggest, nastiest girl in the school sent someone to ask me for my number, thoughts went fucking racing. Does she wanna harass me? Just another bully? Or maybe she wants to be friends? She’d certainly help me with the bullying.
After some deliberation, I decided the offer didn’t sound like a plan for bullying, and I gave her my number. We texted for a few weeks and became partners quite quickly. Looking back, even if the event yet to come hadn’t happened, she still wasn’t my person, and I shouldn’t have rushed in so blindly and quickly. We had a very sexual relationship, which was fine by me. After about three months, we went through a few weeks of on/off. I started realizing I got with her because I was depressed and wanted love to fill that hole, and that I didn’t love her, I loved being loved. While she was happy with that, I wasn’t. Every time I broke up with her, she’d incessantly beg for me back, and I’d give in and go back. The last time we got back together, we lasted about a month.
In that month, she invited me to hers for the first time ever. (We mostly met on the beachfront.) We had spoken beforehand about being in her house alone and had agreed that because I didn’t feel ready, plus I was ill (and barely wanted to be with her, but didn’t mention that bit), that we weren’t going to do anything more than what we’d already done. No sex.
When I got there, we go up to her room. We fool around, take clothes off, mess around naked. Then she takes a condom out of a drawer. I shake my head and tell her no. She doesn’t listen. She sits on my chest (being a big girl, and pinning my arms, and I was and still am a skinny weakling, this was kinda immobilizing). She put the condom on, which was surprisingly considerate given the circumstances, and awkwardly managed to keep me pinned while she rode me. I tried to struggle, but it’s kinda hard to roll and move with your dick trapped in a hole. After about three minutes of physical, mental and emotional torture, I came.
She got off and said, ‘See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?’ I just silently put on my clothes and left. An hour’s walk to home, no money for a bus, crying my eyes out. I dried my eyes before entering the house, and only the Internet and the odd partner have heard the story since.
I think it was 2/3 days after, of pure arguing, and not even about the incident, just about being together, I left for the final time. So she bullied me for the next 2 and 1/2 years. Telling everyone we had sex, sending my nude photos around school (police got involved there), lots of nasty comments. She got others to bully me, too. Ensue two years of high school hell. After a while she gave up, but nobody else did.
Now I’m in college, suffering even worse with depression, after giving up with counseling multiple times, and buckling under my college workload. I hate myself for not being able to do my work, and my life for being so shit.
I’d like to say it gets better, but my life hasn’t. After moving cities my life has, and still is, spiraling downward. At the moment, the few things keeping me sane are my girlfriend, my family, and games.”