14. An Extra Greasy Version Of The Fonz
Met a guy online (of course) and after talking for a couple weeks we decide to go out. I meet him at his house because (supposedly) his car broke down that morning. This guy is dressed like an extra greasy version of the Fonz. I try to look past this but secretly I’m devising ways I can destroy his leather jacket and dispose of his pomade. His house was also filthy. If you know someone is coming to your house for the first time maybe consider wiping down the counters and chucking the old pizza boxes.
While eating dinner he never once asks me anything about myself. He rambled on for at least an hour about his job as a customer service representative, repeatedly comparing it to my job as a 911 Dispatcher. Apparently, they are pretty much the same job. He also kept telling me how much smarter and more attractive I was than his ex-girlfriend who he repeatedly referred to as “the bitch ex.”
He wants to go to a movie afterward but I honestly could not imagine sitting through an entire movie right next to this guy (and not just because he would put down his stinky vaporizer). I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I tell him that I think I may have some mild food poisoning and I needed to get him home so I could make a mad dash home. I realized that if I’d rather claim to have diarrhea then go to a movie with this guy it’s probably not going to lead to a second date.
Within a minute of leaving his house, he starts texting me about how great our date was, grilling me to get a time for our next date. I finally tell him that I think he is an awesome guy but our personalities don’t really mesh. He loses it and starts telling me that he’d never fuck a fat, ugly bitch like me and I should be grateful that he lowered himself enough to go out with me in the first place. Oh, and he hopes I die. I no longer felt bad about not wanting to go on a second date. I haven’t been on a date since then… I’ve decided spinsterhood is more my jam.
15. The Pig Lover
Met a girl online, talked it up, and while she seemed a bit immature, thought heck, why not? She casually mentioned she really liked pigs. What she meant to say was she was obsessed with pigs. OBSESSED.
Go to one of the best restaurants in the area for a first date (bad idea). Sometimes pictures are from someone 10 years prior, or the person hides things, etc. But that wasn’t the problem. She looked just like her pictures. But I didn’t even have to have seen her first because everything else gave it away.
She came in a giant T-shirt that had a sparkly pink pig on it. Earrings? Pig earrings. Bracelets? Yep, pig bracelets–I swear her dad might have been Homer Simpson. She had this headband on with a little pig on it. Her shoes? Yep, pigs on the front of the toes! But best of all? She had a GIANT (or at least it seemed giant) pink purse with the face of a pig on it.
You could not stop seeing it once you did. And I’m sure everyone else in this nicer/classier restaurant saw it too. I felt overdressed with her but under-dressed with every other couple there. It was beyond embarrassing. For some reason which I have to convince myself was politeness not stupidity, we still had dinner. But Reddit, it was the fastest damn dinner I’ve ever had at a sit-down place.
I practically blurted out something about how “oh, you really do like pigs…” which she started giggling (oinking?) and going on about how everything she has is pig themed. Then she wouldn’t stop, and it became the dominant part of the conversation. There were a dozen other things that made it a train-wreck, but these were the clinchers to a solid 0/5 date. I remember, afterward, telling a friend of a friend, because I had to tell someone, and then I promptly buried this as my worst date.