1. Her Lips Were So Soft
When I was 14, I got my first girlfriend. She was really pretty, subtly rebellious, and came from a very close and conservative Catholic family. These were the days when our moms had to drive us to each others’ houses, so the thought of any time alone with her was mind shattering for my balls-deep-in-puberty self. One rainy afternoon after a marching band rehearsal, we walked the two block trek to my parents’ house to watch a movie. In case you are unfamiliar with awkward teenage dating protocol, the movie watching process goes as such: Sit very close to each other, but not quite touching, for at least the first 20 minutes of the movie. No actual movie watching is done during this time; all mental capacity is fixated on how to proceed to step 2. You figure out some way to slip your arm around her despite your only model being the “yawn and reach” from every shitty sitcom ever. If she accepts and leans into you, proceed to step 3.
At least an hour into the movie, you both somehow end up “lie-down cuddling,” an act that would inspire condemnation from her conservative parents. This time is spent desperately hiding your hard-on. The kiss. It is best to wait for a tender point in the movie. However, if you’re an idiot like me and picked “Fiddler on the Roof,” just go for it whenever the Jews aren’t being persecuted. So yes, I went in for it by way of kissing her forehead first. She tilted her head up and our lips met. I kissed her through a triumphant smile, celebrating my victorious rite of passage. Her lips were so soft that I swore I could hear a romantic cello solo unfold out of thin air.
Unfortunately, the sound was actually the civil defense siren warning the town of an approaching tornado-producing storm. Needless to say, I had my hands deep in my pockets the entire time we took shelter in the basement with my parents.