5 Women Discuss The Difference Between A Guy You Date And A Guy You Friendzone

Navigating the dating world has never been more complicated. You can be friends or friends with benefits, hanging out, going out, “official” — or, you can find yourself in the dreaded friendzone. Some of the girls of Thought Catalog got together to discuss the difference between the guys we find ourselves wanting to date, and the ones we’d rather keep at a friend distance.
Just Friends
Just Friends

Is the “friendzone” a real thing that girls do to guys?

“It is and it isn’t. The friendzone is real to the person who wants the relationship, but not to the person who just wants to be friends.”
“I’ve put people in the friendzone — it’s all about the confidence to neediness ratio.”
“Yeah, it is, but at the same time — it’s also just friendship. It annoys me when guy friends expect me to be interested in them simply because I’m single. I just had a huge problem with this with a guy friend of mine”
“Being hot automatically gets you three points in the not needy direction, but I’ve friendzoned hot guys.”
“It’s like, ‘Don’t I get a hug?'”
“Ultimate needy guy saying ^^^.”

500 Days Of Summer
500 Days Of Summer

What makes a guy “needy” aka doomed to the friendzone?

“A lot of time the needy guy becomes the desperate friend who will do anything for you, which I think we all may have exploited at one point.”
“At one time, this guy was driving me around when I didn’t have a car.”
“I once had the desperate guy get me McDonald’s fries. I was at the bar and didn’t want to leave, and was like, “you can go get them for us if you want them so bad”… and he did.”
“Once a desperate guy brought me tacos in the middle of the day.”
“A guy can be physically attractive and still a needy lame. One of the neediest dudes I ever knew was a total hottie.”
“I’m not sure it’s just neediness, we can’t always make sense of these things. It’s just not that complicated, there are some people you dig, there are some people you don’t dig. There’s no rhyme or reason when it’s genuine.”
“I feel friendzone is always a little exploitative on the friendzoner’s part. Like, you’re clearly getting something out of it, even if it’s just an ego boost.”

Game Of Thrones
Game Of Thrones

Do you think it’s the same with men and women, or is there a gendered difference to who we friendzone?”

“I think there’s a massive difference because men never feel guilted into dating the girls they friendzone. Or if they do, it’s to get sex out of them. Whereas when women date the guys they want to zone, it’s just because it there was a level of GUILT ON GUILT ON GUILT BUT I’M A NICE GUY.”
“The male equivalent of the friend zone is the “cool girl” maybe. Like, ‘she’s a cool girl but…”
“I had a guy friend say once, “It’s not fair. All my guy friends get to bang my hot girl friends but they don’t ever introduce me to girls I could bang.” I’m like, well, good to know thats the only way you see women.”
“I’ve been in the friendzone. I honestly don’t know what that guy got out of me because I honestly would have settled for fwb and he didn’t. I was desperate.”
“I once had a guy friend who told me we couldn’t make out anymore when we got drunk. it was like simultaneously the most insulting/chivalrous thing I’ve ever experienced.”

He's Just Not That Into You
He’s Just Not That Into You

Girls get friendzoned a lot too… or at least into the space between “hooking up” and “going out.”

“A lot of guys like being in the in-between of just friends and a boyfriend. That murky grey area where they feel like they don’t have to take responsibility for your feelings.”
“That’s dudes being scared of a simple ‘we are dating or we are not dating’ conversation, and it’s such a turnoff.”
“Boys are so happy in that ‘I get all the benefits but none of the responsibility’ land.”

Friends With Benefits
Friends With Benefits

Is there any specific behavior you would like in a male friend but not a boyfriend?

“A big boyfriend behavior in my experience is they make me chase a little bit.”
“I had a realization recently when two of my amazing guy friends who I love dearly were in town and I asked myself, ‘I would be lucky to date someone like this so if I met one of them today would I realize this or be too judgey?’ And I realized I would actually be too judgey because they have weird quirks that are off-putting when you immediately meet someone.”
“Yeah, honestly, don’t let me see the weird shit you’re hiding in that proverbial attic until I’m too invested in you. Guys who let it ALL GO from the get go tend to end up being friends.”
“Yeahhhh, thats a huge turn off. I don’t want to know all your baggage upfront.”
“It’s because a guy who wants to date you wants to impress you, he won’t do that. So when he’s all crazy right away, I wonder if he doesn’t care about impressing me or if he just has really poor social skills.”

How I Met Your Mother
How I Met Your Mother

If a guy gets friendzoned, is there any redemption for him? Could things change?

“I would always feel in the back of my mind like this is settling.”
“Yes. I have guy friends I would consider dating/sleeping with, but I feel like I’m not in the stage of my life to be with them. Does that make sense? Like, I could see myself dating them eventually but I don’t want to try that now and potentially mess up a friendship.”
“I know for a fact at least two of my guy friends are doing that with me, so it’s not a ‘being selfish’ thing. It’s just about living your life and living each stage you are in fully.”
“Yes. My dating life is hard because I prioritize traveling. I’m like, ‘oh ur cute. oh brb in 3 months.'”
“I feel that the only way a guy can escape the friendzone is by dropping contact, improving himself on his own, and happening to come back into your orbit a year or so later.”
“YES. I think if years had passed and the neediness was gone, he’d be attractive. That’s not to say it’s a game, or a race to be ‘the person who cares less,’ it’s just about being a person with a full life that isn’t desperate.” TC mark

Thought Catalog

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Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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