The Different Types of People There Are on the Internet

People Who Are Grandmothers

Everyone and their grandmother is on the Internet – literally. Grandmothers are all over the Internet and usually access it through “WebTV.” It’s a wireless keyboard that works through your television and a dial up connection to get her on the “word wide web.” It’s as close to using a typewriter to email as you can get. They log on to send me pithy emails admonishing their grandchildren that they have time to Twitter yet no time to email my grandmother with “the gout.”

via Adrien Field


People Who Work Office Jobs and Use Google Reader and Their RSS Feeds to Keep Up With Alternative News Sources

These people are almost always male. They sit in cubicles or at computer desks and incessantly send article links to everyone who’s online when they are. Sites they read include Gawker, Jezebel, Vulture, Digg Reel, and any other source that covers a topic they have covered by a Google Alert. Sometimes they’re fans of Reddit and 4chan, and will try to introduce me to a meme that I’ve prematurely declared ‘irredeemably passe.’ They can’t get enough of YouTube. And they rarely have personal speaking brands because they are past that age of ‘proving themselves’ (anywhere from the age of 28 to 35). These men are the least lewd of any ‘fans’ I converse with.

via Bebe Zeva


People Who Project Themselves With an Excess of Fervor Into Social Media in an Effort to Feel Included or Relevant

These people follow a minimum of 100 people on Twitter of which only 8-20 percent are people they actually know IRL. The rest of the people they follow are largely actors, minor internet celebrities, musicians and news personalities with ‘verified’ accounts. The majority of their Twitter activities involve:

Replying to things Kanye West says as if they were engaged in a one-on-one conversation with him; offering unsolicited tweets to actors to see how they are doing as if in full expectation of a reply; trying to link news personalities to articles while saying things like ‘would love to hear your commentary on this issue,’ and even sending ‘DMs’ to minor internet celebrities with whom they have had a handful of incidental Twitter exchanges letting them know they will be ‘in town’ and perhaps the minor internet celebrity wants to hang out or can they recommend an entertaining venue or a way to spend their time since they will be wandering around all by themselves.

via Leigh Alexander


People Who Talk a Lot of Shit

A mysterious breed of people, they often go by pseudonyms to remain anonymous (indicating a form of hypocrisy/logical or philosophical flaw of which they’re highly likely to accuse only others that are not them). If they don’t go by pseudonyms, they’re confrontational and aggressive about the shit they talked when you accidentally and awkwardly happen to meet them at a party whose host you’re barely acquainted with. People who talk a lot of shit are extremely widespread, populating some of the most heavily trafficked websites, and tend to coalesce around content regarding hipsters, politics, YouTube videos, (any type of) artistic tradition, anything that hints at ‘fact’ or ‘opinion,’ and typos. Their motivations seem to be fairly consistent: they’re usually trying to ‘put one in one’s place’ (i.e. make sure a certain person knows they aren’t part of the club), provide the argument that trumps all other arguments and ends the discussion (ironically, this almost never happens – instead it only tends generate a string of counterpoints, many related to semantics, definitions, -isms, and word choice), and validate and reinforce their identities/worldviews as ‘right’ to themselves, to commenters, and to every person who might happen upon their argument/internet persona/ pseudonym in the future.

via Brandon Scott Gorrell


People Who Comment on Gadget Blogs

Sometimes these people actually say a word out loud while typing. They will defend a product through character attacks and capital letters. It is common for these people to ignore the cries of their children while Engadget is refreshed fifteen times. They have toilets that get cleaned twice a year. They have wives who are tired of discussions about cellphones at dinner. “Apple products are overrated, other than the iPhone,” these people say. “Maybe Android phones will be better after the next few software updates,” they say, over macaroni and hamburger steak. The wives of these people will commonly dream of horses running free and wild, in the wind.

via Gene Morgan


People Who Are Guys Who Work Retail and Read Rap Blogs

Their jobs have the Internet but it’s only for connecting to R-Pro retail inventory software. The Internet is blocked for any other use. During work they fantasize about checking The Fader. When they get home, they swiftly log on and check several critical underground rap Blogspot pages with default layout design settings. They click curiously on the profile of a very insightful blogger and are delighted to find the hit-count is very low. “Freshmeat,” they think. They probably add the new blog to their blog’s ‘Internet hood buddies’ section. They have girlfriends who will arrive later with laptops. The couples usually sit next to each other on a couch. They listen to Waka Flocka Flame using their Xbox media player. The guys think happily about purchasing various clothing items online that will enhance both their online and ‘street’ personas. They order a veggie pizza. They carefully remove a dragon bong from a nearby shelf and take a massive, class-conscious ripper. They cough jadedly.

via Erik Stinson


People Who Are Girls Who Read Their Horoscopes

Pretty self explanatory. These girls usually have boring office jobs with a semi-important title, for example, “General Manager.” They are good at their job and also good at updating their Facebook status every 20 minutes. They’re not on Twitter because the character restriction makes it too boring. They all got married too young and really love their husbands, usually because their husbands are assholes and these are the kind of girls who like d-bags. They have at least one kid and are only 27 years old and chances are, I went to high school with them. They love frogurt, hate Pinkberry (too sour) or love Pinkberry (it’s sour!) and one of their kids is named “Aden” or “Aryian.”

via Lesley Arfin


People Who Are Adults Who Have Recently Become Aware of the Internet

Somehow these people have lived the majority of their lives without needing the internet. It’s very possible that they know (or are) former, current, or upcoming contestants/subjects of the TLC show “Hoarders.” An adult who has recently become aware of the Internet (AWHRBAOTI) has maybe been raised in a low-income household and had a family history of jobs that naturally aided in their detachment from Western society. Some have been born into religious cults. Many have lived in severe weather climates. The crew of the deep-sea oilrig who later manned the spaceship in “Armageddon” fits this category, before they returned to fame and riches on Earth. Since the AWHRBAOTI sampling pool is so large, it’s hard to definitively generalize their Internet activity, but there is a very high probability that the majority of cryptic, mysterious searches (i.e. “drowning chickens methods,” “tita help me choke instruction video,” “what is Iceland?”) that surface on personal blog Statcounters are from AWHRBAOTI. It has been hypothesized that spam e-mails are not robotically generated promotional devices, but early clues to the development of an AWHRBAOTI language rooted in advanced mimicry of internet runoff. The more skilled and curious members of the AWHRBAOTI community are known to accidentally create Twitter accounts, then become so overwhelmed with the home screen that they go on massive “following sprees” that end in the prompt administrative deletion of their accounts. They are said to be forming a new social network: “FanLinkChat.”

via Megan Boyle


People Who Are Cool Moms

My mom just got an Android phone for her 55th birthday and now spends every waking moment Googling quiche lorraine recipes and liking my status updates on Facebook. She finally feels “hip” and “technologically sound.” For five minutes in a dark restaurant, she turned on her flashlight app to read the menu, until her phone went dead and she couldn’t call my dad to tell him she would be coming home late. It seems to me like “emerging Moms” are a demographically sound part of the internet. They are the ones who forward you emails of dogs dialing 911 and quizzes that bait: “What does your favorite dessert say about you?” My mom, who is a lemon meringue kind of gal, is apparently “very articulate with her hands and a bit of a diva at times.” This I can attest to. My mom doesn’t quite understand the internet – it still takes her 15 minutes to look something up on YouTube – but she likes it. I think she thinks of the internet as a giant issue of Redbook, where instead of porn and Gawker updates, there’s only newsletters about holistic mud mask treatments and signs to tell if your daughter is depressed. You can always tell a mom on Facebook because they’re the ones with those pages that take half an hour to scroll down to, thanks to all the virtual Sex and the City cosmos bought for their birthday from their childhood best friend and glittering .gifs dispelling what Twilight character they are. On Facebook, my mom’s favorite interests are “gardening, drinking martini’s, watching films, reading, cooking and garage sales.” She likes John Irving and Jacksoul, Matador and You’ve Got Mail.

via Chandler Levack


Thought Catalog

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Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • Joy

    Can I add another one?
    “People who are too impatient to read multiple-page articles on the internet about the different types of people on the internet.”

    • http://twitter.com/readdanwrite Daniel Roberts

      but took the time to post a comment, eh

      • http://mattlanger.com langer

        rimshot.wav

      • Joy

        Ok, ok, there's also: “People who like to leave comments on long articles complaining about long articles.”

        Whatever. Happy?

  • DiTrapano

    Solid.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    i felt a desire to give kudos to erik stinson and blake butler
    all seemed interesting tho

    i skimmed a bit. did anyone do “people who change their profile picture almost daily and have created a vaguely unsettling document of their fluctuating narcissism/overcompensation for [something] in their profile pictures section as a result”?

    • Brandon Gorrell

      nice, no one did that

      • http://twitter.com/leighalexander leighalexander

        scared it's me too

    • saramcgrath

      scared that's me

  • http://triplescience.tumblr.com Lolly

    this fucking rules.

  • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

    for “People Who Are Over 80-Years-Old or Under 7-Years-Old”
    i immediately thought of this:

    ))<>((

  • bodum

    jimmy chens was my fave

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      sweet, feel like i should 'like' this, but i'm shy

  • jacob

    thought it was funny how someone used a dump.fm image without mentioning dump in their article.

    • uhnonnymus

      I think it was assumed that Dump was the primary distraction of “People Who Have Forgotten What They Were Supposed to Be Doing.”

      • Brandon Gorrell

        the .gif was made by erik i think, who contributed

    • http://www.catherinelacey.com Catherine Lacey

      I'd never heard of dump.fm. It seems weird.

  • Ben

    “Dads think Firefox and Mozilla are rock bands “

    jhahabhaha damn this is true shit yall

  • http://twitter.com/brownnnbear Jocelyn

    jimmy's > just for the fact that my dad still uses dogpile to search for “big titty porn” on his google-branded android phone like it's still 1999 & we're on aol 4.0

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      just realized aol preceded lol, cuz it ain't funny

    • halfling_rogue

      Damn…Dogpile is still around? That is a blast from the past…that used to be my favorite search engine, oh, and MetaCrawler…

  • http://twitter.com/elizabethshelby Elizabeth Shelby

    People who only use social media to talk about HOW INCREDIBLY BUSY they are. UGH!

  • missmollymary

    two more who have (possibly) won the internet: coke talk and ned hepburn/the folks at epic mag.

  • Patrick

    no 4chan /b/ goons?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bee-Goode/100001676566533 Bee Goode

      i don't think you are allowed to talk about them or they will 'hack ur life' until u cry like jessie slaughter.

  • http://twitter.com/dahveed_miller david miller

    @chandler: i'm glad your mom likes matador

  • ekibyou

    People Who “Claim” to Have a “Degree” in Journalism But Cannot Distinguish Between “Post Post Script” and “Post Script Script”

    People Who Graduated From University of Phoenix. “Online Degrees for Busy Adults.”

    • Bonzai!

      How much is a bike horn going for these days anyway? Five bucks? Ten bucks?

  • LOL

    yALL FORGOT PPL ON FLICKR

    CHICKS WITH VINTAGE CAMERAS

    CHICKS WITH TUMBLRS

  • Herpderpington

    forgot trolls.

  • http://twitter.com/qutequte qutequte

    I guess I fall into the last group “People who take SHIT seriously.” haha Very interesting article – thank you!

  • HannahJ

    You forgot “teenage girls on Facebook who add guys only because they're hot.”

  • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame Lady Blue ✔ VERIFIED

    This was FUNNY. My favorites were: People who are Dads and People who promote Christianity on their facebook. Spot on and hilarious.
    People who take shit seriously = every Jezebel commenter that ever lived.
    Guys with retail jobs who read rap blogs, I definitely know plenty of those.
    People who are cool Moms, I'd like to meet some of those. Just because.
    People who talk shit = me.
    The rest can all log off and die.

  • Nil

    You forgot people who reverse engineer super nintendo games.

  • Joy

    Some of this is funny. Most of it is not. Did this really need to be 4 pages? Grandmas AND dads AND moms are on the Internet? But what about aunts? Cousins? Step-moms? The point is: editing is your friend. The article feels link-bait-y, elitist, and smug. HTMLGIANT and The Rumpus? You *wish* you were in the same category, Thought Catalog.

    • spinflux

      If it weren’t four pages, it would have been too cliched and not worth reading. This was funnier than “Five Different Types of People on the Internet” would’ve been. That’s what Cracked.com is for.

  • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa lukebourassa

    This was the best thing I've read today, even though it's sort of a cliche list-type thing… it's well-written and funny. Also bittersweet, because I'm the guy in the pink shirt and I don't know if I'm happy about that or not.

  • daedalhead

    Well,
    Can think of more categories, to be sure.
    I find myself torn between feeling left out because I am not
    represented here, & being a bit relieved.
    (I _was_ on the internet, became disabled, missed the entire
    Myspace/Facebook/Twitter/RSS/whatever wave because I have
    been unable to use a computer for _years_,
    & am now just getting my feet wet again…
    It is more intimidating than you might imagine.)
    Keep up the good work.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    SO judgmental jeez

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