I’ve known you for so long now. I’ve enjoyed being your friend these past 10 years. But it’s time to say goodbye. To a part of you, at least.
I loved you. I love you. Like I’ve never loved anyone else. And I think I always will.
But while I loved you and wanted you, it just wasn’t going to happen. The time and place weren’t right. I wasn’t right.
You were so far away. You were even in a different country. I got to see you and you got to see me, but not nearly enough. And sometimes that was torture. I got a taste of what I wanted, only to be left wanting more. Only to be left wanting you more.
Over the past decade, I’ve craved you. I craved you so bad, and it led to a lot of sleepless nights and worry filled days wondering if my deepest dreams would ever realize a new reality other than the one I live in to this very day. Every time we’d talk, or Skype, or exchange a package, or upload a new YouTube video, or write another letter, I just remembered what I wanted and what I didn’t have.
The distance became my enemy, and I grew to hate it more and more.
And I was scared. I was scared to tell you what I wanted. I still am, and you still don’t know. You still don’t know a lot. You don’t know how much you were there when other people weren’t. You don’t know how much just holding your hand in the park that day meant. You don’t know how much I treasure the photo that we took together that sits on my bookshelf. You don’t know that I love you, let alone how much. And you don’t know how much I want to tell you all these things, but I just couldn’t back then. And now I just can’t.
Things are different now; 10 years is a long time. We’ve grown, and as we’ve grown, we’ve become busier. Finding time to talk is getting harder, and sometimes it seems as if life is just taking over. Maybe it would have been different if I had said what needed to be said back when I still had the chance.
But we’re growing in different directions quicker than ever, and I feel like the time to have said what needed to be said is gone.
I can’t keep hoping. It’s time to say goodbye to what could have been.