Humans are social creatures and relationships are an essential part of our lives. We all crave intimate relationships because they have the immense power to set our hearts on fire and generate intense feelings of love and compassion. But for many people, relationships can also be the greatest source of pain. This is why it’s important to be clear on what you want from a relationship and continually assess whether your partner meets those needs. Sure, you can love each other, but that’s not always enough.
I was deeply in love with my ex when I started to notice a continuous cycle of miscommunication and unnecessary drama. This ultimately led to me ending it. If I had chosen to stay in that relationship, this pattern would have continued no matter how hard I tried to change things. After all, you can only show someone the door; they have to walk through it themselves.
So where am I going with all of this?
Relationships have the power to create tremendous attachment. And so it is not unusual to see people rushing into a commitment with someone who is ultimately not a good fit for them.
So here are three reasons why you need to end your unfulfilling relationship and look for someone who is right for you.
1. You Don’t Love Them
It’s easy to convince yourself that you are in love, but there’s a massive difference between “real” true love and “believing” you are in love. So how do you find out?
Set aside some time to sit with yourself, free from distraction, and ask your heart. There is an intelligence inside of you that should give you an answer immediately. You possess an intuitive sense of whether it’s “yes” or “no.” Your heart KNOWS whether it’s real, true love or not.
If the answer is “no,” you know what to do. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some types of relations simply serve the purpose of helping you to learn more about yourself and how you relate to others. Once this purpose has been met, you must work up the strength to move on. If you’re just waiting to fall in love like there’s going to be some defining moment when everything clicks into place, how long are you prepared to wait?
2. You’re Staying Because Your Life Is Comfortable
Once you have taken your relationship to the point where you’re living with your partner, it’s easy to slip into a comfortable routine. You get attached to the “good times” and want them to continue forever. After all, having that person to come home to after a long day, to kiss and cuddle while you watch that new movie on Netflix and forget about your troubles, is a powerful motivator to keep that person in your life. Your body generates the love hormone oxytocin and you get that warm fuzzy feeling that can deepen your attachment. But when you find yourself on your own, these feelings vanish and you’re left feeling empty and alone.
And one more thing: Life is a lot easier when you have someone to split the bills with, right?
Maybe your partner spoils and treats you to the nicer things in life and you don’t want to give that up. Well, it’s time to decide what is more important in your life. Do you want to settle for a mediocre relationship and a comfortable life instead of finding true love? That, my friend, would be a real tragedy.
3. You Don’t Value The Same Things In Life
Shared values combined with a deep, unconditional love are the real reasons why people stay together for the long term.
By values I mean things like integrity, accountability, commitment, dependability, dignity, honesty, honour, responsibility, achievement, accomplishment, challenge, determination, growth, intelligence, decisiveness, and so on.
Whatever values you resonate with and look for in a partner must be present in your current relationship for it to stand the test of time. When you have shared values, you are able to grow together in a direction that fulfils you both.
Often, people stay in a relationship longer than is beneficial because they are addicted to the emotional highs and lows that get played out day to day.
So again, find some time to sit with yourself and write down all the values that are important to you. Then ask your partner to do the same. You can often tell what someone values most through their actions. It’s easy for someone to say, for example, that they value freedom. But are they putting in the work day after day to create that in their life?
The next step is to compare your values with your partner’s and see if there’s a match. If there’s a disconnect, it might explain why you can’t see much of a future with this person. You might be madly in love, but if your values don’t match, it’s time to bite the bullet and get out. It’s not a good idea to settle for someone whose values do not match yours.
I had to do this in my last relationship. Even though I still loved this person dearly and wanted to see her blossom into the powerful woman I knew she could be, our values didn’t match and, as a result, the actions she took in her life didn’t align with mine. It wasn’t going to work.
You Are Your Own Master
In life, we often have tough decisions to make. Ones that feel scary and uncomfortable. It’s easy to create the worst-case scenarios in your head and put off those scary decisions for another day. But there is an intelligence inside of you that knows if you are doing the right thing. If we never listen to that intelligence the signal gets distorted and lost, like interference on a radio. So it’s important to keep asking ourselves these big questions in life and listen patiently for the answer.
I don’t profess to be an expert here, I’m just sharing my experience with the intention of assisting you in some way. I want you to be clear about what you want and what you don’t want in your life. I think people need to move away from the idea that there is just one person out there who they’re going to spend the rest of their life with. Sure, it’s possible, but along the way, it is likely that you will experience relationships that are only meant to last a few years, a few months, or even a few days.
For me, a relationship should be 1+1 = 11, not 2. Meaning that two people, who are in love and whose values match, are exponentially more powerful together.
I hope you make the right decision.