The myth and moral against vanity and conceit is where we get the word narcissism. While self-absorption and egoism is unhealthy — so too is having zero self-interest.
We think and live on extremes; to avoid selfishness, we swing to opposite ends of the spectrum and end up in a detrimental self-abandonment. We forget the middle-ground.
Indeed the famous commandment even says “Love your neighbor as yourself.” You can only express what you experience, and explain what you understand. To love others without loving yourself is like trying to tell someone about a movie you’ve never seen.
Here are 7 healthy ways to love yourself without the narcissism:
1. A self-gratitude list.
We know gratitude reduces stress and boosts your immune system, and many of us keep lists, but they’re usually centered around others and external events.
Turn the lens inward; as part of your gratitude practice, think of three personal things you’re thankful for: how you’ve grown as a husband, wife, father, or mother; how you’ve excelled in your work; and personal goals you’ve achieved. It’ll boost your self-image and confidence.
2. A mental diet.
Your reality and your body is profoundly affected by your thoughts. Negativity increase the body’s stress hormones, causing higher blood pressure and artery wall inflammation.
Cultivate a healthy self-appreciation by deleting and replacing your toxic thoughts. Take a step back from your thoughts, become an active observer — start catching and reducing the air-time for any negativity.
Dr. Emmet Fox’s short piece, The Seven Day Mental Diet, is referenced by many as an effective tool for mental mastery. For seven days, get a notepad and mark down every time you have a negative thought about yourself.
Begin to question your thoughts — it often reveals how irrational they are. Immediately replace them with an opposing positive affirmation — something true and good about yourself. Do it so often that it becomes a habit.
3. Let go of perfectionism.
Having high standards is encouraged, but if those standards only make you feel crushed and defeated, it’s time to give yourself a break.
Many of us have “high-hanging fruit,” or lofty goals, but rarely do we have any “low-hanging fruit,” the little celebrations that will fuel us toward the bigger ones.
Every time we achieve a goal, our brain produces a rush of dopamine, allowing that sense of gratification. When perfectionism only produces failure, we experience cortisol and stress, and a sense of self-loathing.
Finding little things on a daily basis to celebrate will allow you to experience self-satisfaction and self-love.
4. Change the perception of your body.
We all have hangups about our body, and we’re great at magnifying our imperfections. Of course magazine covers and media portrayals don’t help our feelings of inadequacy.
Loving yourself means loving your physical body. That’s difficult because we’ve placed happiness solely in appearance. But consider where the notion that you’ll be happy once you attain a certain look comes from? It’s not innate — blind people are able to love themselves. It’s a social construct — and a shallow one at that.
An alternative approach for healthy body image comes from Deepak Chopra, “Think of your body as a process — as a verb, not a noun.”
See the value of your body as a healthy vehicle carrying your identity rather than determining your identity. Separate yourself from your body. Think of Nick Vujicic and Bethany Hamilton, who’ve achieved great things in spite of their bodies; or Lizzie Velasquez, harshly dubbed “the world’s ugliest woman,” inspiring millions. They’re a testament to the truth that self-worth is not dependent on body image.
Rather, ask whether your body, in it’s current state, is holding you back from doing what you love? Aesthetics have little to do with ability. You’ll gain more happiness and love from your character and what you do, rather than what you look like.
To love your body means not only a shift from negative hangups to positive quirks, but shifting the whole view of your body as a tool of service and ability.
5. Treat Yourself.
When was the last time you went on a date — with yourself? We come up with grandiose ideas to sweep a potential partner off their feet — it’d be nice to apply a portion of that zeal to yourself.
Creativity teacher Julia Cameron prescribes weekly “Artist Dates” to her students. Letting your hair down and engaging in novelty and fun sparks our inner Da Vinci.
Psychiatrist Stuart Brown says, “Nothing lights up the brain like play,” not only does it improve memory but overall happiness and wellbeing.
You’re never too old to laugh and play. Make sure you treat yourself regularly — a piece of chocolate, ice cream, or a nice restaurant. It’s an act of self-love with benefits for your mind, body, and soul.
6. Make peace with your past.
When the present is preoccupied with regrets from the past, or anxiety over the future, it’s impossible to focus on the present and build concrete happiness. Self-love is introspective, in-the-moment, and cultivated without distractions.
Whether it’s romanticizing the past, or replaying negative events, we become trapped and dictated by it. Many who’ve confronted their past traumas through therapy talk about the inner-healing that comes with processing the negativity.
To let go of the baggage — past and future — is a powerful act of self-love. Forgive those who have hurt you, forgive yourself for any mistakes, and allow yourself a clean slate for the present.
7. A Random Act of Kindness.
Yes it’s paradoxical, but you’ll give to yourself when you give to others. “It’s better to give than receive” is true because you’re also on the receiving end.
Studies have shown that sending someone a thank-you email or card, an appreciative phone call, giving up your seat on the bus, or paying for someone’s coffee, releases the feel-good chemicals dopamine and oxytocin — for the recipient and for the giver.
Do an act of kindness today to give and receive a self-loving natural high.
We all strive to be good and loving people, but in our concerns for others, we often forget to be concerned for ourselves. A healthy dose of self-love can be the best fuel for loving others.