Gender is fluid, they say. It’s possible to be attracted to both men and women. I never understood until I met you.
When I first met you, I saw you as a brother. I wanted to fix you and mend you because you were so broken inside and I know how it felt. We became good friends and it is one of the highlights in my college years. We started to hang out more often. We started to share secrets and stories from the past. We happened to have the same family background, same type of school, same religion; well it used to be your religion. During that time when I met you, you were angry and mad and hated the things you used to believe. I tried to drag you back, but it didn’t work.
People said you were gay because your mannerisms and movement were effeminate, but I defended you. But then I guess I was wrong. You had a boyfriend. Right in front me, you kissed him and said sweet words to each other. I wasn’t bothered then. The relationship ended badly and all I could do was comfort you. Not even months after, you had a fling with this guy that I used to have a crush on. It was weird, but I shook it off. I didn’t let it get in the way of our friendship.
We were so close that we spooned and there was no sexual tension ever. I wasn’t attracted to you at all. Not because you were ugly, you are handsome, but simply because you were not my type. Yes, you were intelligent, witty, caring, funny, and just pure awesome, but there was no spark. Not until one day.
It was when we were taking pictures in the park where you smoked with friends. While I was reviewing the picture, I suddenly had a moment. We just looked perfect together in the picture. After that moment, I couldn’t shake the thought from my head. I never have thought that I would feel something romantically for you. I loved you as a friend, but never in a million years did I thought that I would come to see you in that way. I thought my feelings were fleeting, but it stayed and it tortured me. My friends doubted the origin of my feelings. One friend thought that it was because of your thirst for power and position. My best friend thought that it was because you were just so nice and caring. I considered both arguments, but I knew that this was different. I was so terrified because though I have been in and out a lot of relationships; this was something new to me-falling for a bisexual friend.
I started posting my feelings and thought in Facebook and Twitter. I continued to entertain the idea. I entertained it because I somehow have the idea that you have the hots for me as well. You told some of our friends that you planned to marry me. That if you would to get married, that girl will be me. You were so sure of that that you tried to tell me too. But when you tried to get to me, I was still hang up from my past relationship. I just realized now that I missed it. I missed the opportunity.
My attempts to tell you through the social media failed, I tried to drop more verbal hints to you. But you ignored it and thought that I was just acting weird. So I decided to just keep it to myself. I tried to fight the urge, but I succumbed. I told you that you were the one I was talking about in one of my Facebook status. That you were the one I had feelings for. You just said thank you.
It was fine for me that you didn’t say it back. You attempted to kiss me on the lips, but it landed on my chin instead. I told you that I wasn’t after a relationship and that all I wanted was to tell you. I told myself that too, but then my emotions took off another direction. I started wanting you more. The more you ignored or pretended that I said that I have feelings for you, the more I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to be the one to take care of you. I wanted to be the first one you see when you wake up in the morning. I wanted to be the one you’d come home to. I’ll cook you dinner, iron your clothes, and prepare your things before your meetings for the University Student Council. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be your person. I want to be your emergency contact. I want to be your everything.
But of course, you are bisexual. Your best friend explained me that there are two rivers-one is the river of men, and the other is of women. You are still on the river of men. It’s not that you don’t want me, but because you are not yet sure what you want. You are so engraved in your career now and that you are one of the most famous people in school. I don’t want to get in the way of your life now.
They say I should wait, or better yet go for a straight guy. We want different things right now. We are setting of two different paths, and though it hurts, I should accept it. I will enjoy what we have now that is sure, friendship.