Open Letter To Rihanna

Dear Rihanna –

I don’t care what anyone else says, I love you. I’ve loved you since you had long hair they crimped to make you look like a mermaid and were doing choreography straight from the “Exhausted Go-Go-Dancer Handbook for Up and Coming Pop Stars” on the cheap set of “Pon de Replay.” Is “Cheers (Drink to That)” one of my top 25 most played on iTunes? Yes. Did I watch all 90 minutes of your Rock in Rio concert on YouTube as recorded by some guy with a camera phone? Yep! Did the video for “What’s My Name” make me cry a little bit that one time it came on MTVJams late at night while I was coming down from ecstasy because I was awestruck by your beauty? Heck yeah. I think your music is catchy as hell (albeit somewhat lacking lyrically), and you deserve to be a huge pop star. You got that thang — that star power thang, and honestly, RiRi — you make me dutty wine in my pants and I want to be your best friend. I’ve been practicing my Barbadian accent and everything.

Maybe if I were your best friend I could convince you to stop collaborating with Chris Brown, in the studio and also inside your fringed hot pants. Don’t give me any of that “oh na na” bullcrap — we all know you’re doing it! And while I understand the attraction of a bad boy, Chris Brown almost put your HEAD through a WINDOW. He has also proven to be the whiniest, most ungrateful, immature doodie bubble in pop music in the years since (see his Twitter or any recent, highly publicized interview for reference). Yes, I saw the peen pics and I know of his legendary churro dong, but seriously — that thing is just one more way for him to abuse you. Purple mushroom, my ass — that thing will be a purple carne asada burrito across your forehead any day now, and we’ll have to start calling you Rihanna Hester Prynne.

CB has a new woman now, and that might be threatening to you in some way, but just remember — that long, pretty biracial hair of hers is all the better to be pulled out by him in bloody clumps one day, mmkay? At least you’re doing the wig thing now, so you’re probably safe.

But seriously, Rihanna. You’ll destroy your career if you get back with him, as well as this bad-girl badass image you’ve cultivated in the wake of that one time CHRIS BROWN almost put your HEAD through a WINDOW. Not to mention the fact that eventually, he’ll do it again. And do you really want to get the crap beaten out of you (again) by a sissy, whiny, conceited, overexposed prick who hasn’t even expressed true remorse for what he did to you? We don’t want the weak crimped hair mermaid version of you, we want the strong I’m-gonna-wear-an-S&M-outfit-to-brunch-and-smoke-blunts-in-public-during-vacation-cuz-IDGAF version of you, okay?!

So cut the crap, RiRi. Don’t let Chris Brown come to your birthday party, and don’t let him sing on your track about your birthday cake. Stop Tweeting at him and writing weird, vaguely metaphoric things about his girlfriend. Most importantly, stop humping on that purple burrito, cause we all know where that road leads.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Cares. TC mark

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  • curious

    how bout when she went all illuminatti n shit, and sold her soul to the debbil?

    • THINFAMOUS

      uuuh…

    • anonymy

      you believe in the illuminati? you’re fucking dumb. There is no proof of the illuminati, so shut the fuck up with that. You sound ignorant.

    • iluvkitties123

      debbil…HA

  • curious

    omg! the all seeing eye.

  • Svenry

    This was sarcastic… right?

  • Tesia C.

    Have you seen ANY of her interviews? She sounds terribly stupid. Yes, she may have style. Yes, I’ve danced my ass off to a number of her hits. Yes, she’s pretty and has some moves but none of these allow me to respect her as a person. Time and time again, she’s proven that she deserves all the terrible mistakes/decisions she’s made. 

    • http://twitter.com/mmmariesa MarieSa

      No one *deserves* to be physically and/or emotionally abused.

      • AnnieGirl

        no, but if she keeps going back for more, what can you do?

      • marzzi

        Annie, it’s not about “going back for more”. Physical abuse is always also emotional and mental abuse. Victims/survivors want desperately to believe that the person they love is above the abuse and the perpetrator of violence often offers them endless apologies and explanations in order to make them return to them. From our privileged vantage point its very easy to say “why don’t you just leave him” but for them its completely different. Some of the women who I have known to be the most powerful, put-together and aggressive have been victims of domestic abuse and I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen the fractures, had them sobbing onto my shoulders in the middle of the night, and had friends who had to accompany them to the ER after a particularly bad fight– it’s a vicious cycle, emphasis on the word vicious.

    • Lilym

      wow you’re a fucking sexist dickwad. I hope you don’t talk to people in real life because if I ever caught you saying to an abuse survivor “you deserve it” i would knock you in the ovaries so hard you couldn’t stand up for weeks and you would truly deserve it.

  • Taogwbytb

    *Bajan. Barbadian.. not a thing

    • Guestopolous

      Barbadian is actually a thing.. Coming from a Bajan. 

  • AN

    If you really cared about her, you’d let her do whatever the f she wants. #justsaying

    • alex

      that’s not how it works

    • katie

      are you an idiot? thats what people who DONT care do

  • Michael

    Well said. She should just forget him, and come marry me.

  • Guest

    ThoughtCatalog is the most baffling website. If it actually wants to compete with the heavyweights of media/culture websites, it can’t publish things like “churro dong”  in celebrity worship articles that completely lack objectivity when discussing age old issues… can it? This isn’t even mid-brow culture criticism, it’s late-to-the-party low brow TMZ shit.

  • Lilym

    man why the fuck does everybody critique rihanna like it’s her goddamn fault ? Kanye West interrupts little white Taylor Swift and he’s STILL getting shit for it, but the minute it’s a brown girl getting smacked everyone’s like “YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER” I’m sick of this victim blaming crap. I hope TC reconsiders even having this bullshit article up here because it’s the worst side of faux-liberal i-care-about-u racist misogyny.

  • Brianna Clark

    While I regret  Rihanna’s decision to re-gain interest in Chris Brown, I believe it is an accurate representation of domestic violence. On average, it takes an abusee 7 times to leave their abuser. While Rhianna is a role model due to her celebrity status, she is also an individual nd  relationships  (regardless of whether or not they are violent) are very personal, and intimate. She is allowed to be an person, not a star. Therefore, this current relationship between Rhianna and Chris Brown is both regretful and an  accurate representation of domestic violence. 

  • https://twitter.com/#!/ZachAmes macgyver51

     I wish someone would just give the girl a pair of pants and a non-see through shirt.

  • Nishant

    There are more important people in the world for you to love without caring what anyone else thinks. Please do so.

  • marzzi

    “that long, pretty biracial hair of hers is all the better to be pulled out by him in bloody clumps one day, mmkay?”
    WTF? I understand that your intention is in no way to glorify domestic abuse but here it almost makes it seem like a “better her than you”. I am appalled that TC writers and editors aren’t more PC– and trust me, I like tastefully un-PC stuff as much as the next person, but this is out of line and then some.

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/10-songs-i-want-to-hear-at-the-club/ 10 Songs I Want To Hear At The Club | Thought Catalog

    […] is one of Rihanna’s best songs, and it’s kind of confusing: is it supposed to be a pop song or some kind of […]

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