1. Chris “Birdman” Andersen (center/power forward, Denver Nuggets). I do have a thing for blonde white boys, but this guy is too much. After a highly publicized expulsion from the NBA for substance abuse (they never said which drugs, but I’m betting on coke or speed — gross), he returned to the NBA with a giant “Free Bird” tattoo inked on his neck in a Rainbow Brite color palette. Total deal breaker. Also — I don’t date guys with mohawks, even if they’re famous.
2. Gucci Mane (rapper). I love Gucci Mane’s music, but the guy looks like a mix between Joe Camel and Jabba the Hutt. Physical repulsiveness aside, Gucci’s semi-recent ice cream cone facial tattoo celebrating his release from the psych ward (wtf?) and even more recent legal problems caused by him shoving a woman out of his moving Escalade after she refused his $150 offer for sex (double wtf??) are two characteristics that bump him off the list. “Mental incompetency,” indeed.
3. Blake Griffin (center, LA Clippers). First, I’d never get with a Clipper. Second, even though BG is a total beast on the court, he looks a bit like a Neanderthal. Blake Griffin makes Kris Humphries (ex-Mr. Kim Kardashian and current power forward for the New Jersey Nets) look like Einstein. I can look past a little mental inferiority in a rich/ hot mate, but Griffin sort of looks like he shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
4. Rick Ross (rapper). Sorry, Rozay, but this ride has a weight limit. I actually kind of dig a little cushion for the pushin’, but when you’re pushin’ 500 lbs, I gotta say thanks, but no thanks. I mean, how do his groupies even find his penis? Also, weight aside, Rick Ross is a former corrections officer. How tame and un-gangster can you get? If I’m going to marry a rapper, he better be a G who’s spent some time on the right side of the prison cell, am I right?
5. Ron Artest, aka Metta World Peace (small forward, LA Lakers). While I admit to a disturbingly strong physical attraction to RonRon, his obvious mental problems make him a deal breaker. First of all, guy changed his name to Metta World Peace. METTA WORLD PEACE!! I simply cannot and will not recognize that as a legal name. Second, he named his daughter “Diamond,” and I can’t get down with that. Incidentally, Diamond recently announced that she wants to change her last name to World Peace, to be more like her daddy. Now, that’s some dysfunction I want nothing to do with. (Although I did run into Artest one time outside the SLS Hotel in Hollywood, and he is definitely a Grade-A piece.) So, RonRon, if you wanna hook up sometime… hit me up on Facebook. P.S. – Go Lakers!