5 Rich Dudes I'd Never Have A Baby With

In today’s troubled economy, many of us are forced to look outside the box when it comes to getting paid. With the influx of shows like Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Real Housewives, and Millionaire Matchmaker, I have to say the idea of seducing and then trapping a rich dude with my uterus has crossed my mind from time to time. I’m not sayin’ I’m a gold digger… but I probably could be. Everybody has their limits, though — even those girls on Millionaire Matchmaker (read: the Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis episode). Here are five Rich Dudes that are absolutely, definitely NOT on my list of theoretical Rich Baby Daddys.

1. Chris “Birdman” Andersen (center/power forward, Denver Nuggets). I do have a thing for blonde white boys, but this guy is too much. After a highly publicized expulsion from the NBA for substance abuse (they never said which drugs, but I’m betting on coke or speed — gross), he returned to the NBA with a giant “Free Bird” tattoo inked on his neck in a Rainbow Brite color palette. Total deal breaker. Also — I don’t date guys with mohawks, even if they’re famous.

2. Gucci Mane (rapper). I love Gucci Mane’s music, but the guy looks like a mix between Joe Camel and Jabba the Hutt. Physical repulsiveness aside, Gucci’s semi-recent ice cream cone facial tattoo celebrating his release from the psych ward (wtf?) and even more recent legal problems caused by him shoving a woman out of his moving Escalade after she refused his $150 offer for sex (double wtf??) are two characteristics that bump him off the list. “Mental incompetency,” indeed.

3. Blake Griffin (center, LA Clippers). First, I’d never get with a Clipper. Second, even though BG is a total beast on the court, he looks a bit like a Neanderthal. Blake Griffin makes Kris Humphries (ex-Mr. Kim Kardashian and current power forward for the New Jersey Nets) look like Einstein. I can look past a little mental inferiority in a rich/ hot mate, but Griffin sort of looks like he shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

4. Rick Ross (rapper). Sorry, Rozay, but this ride has a weight limit. I actually kind of dig a little cushion for the pushin’, but when you’re pushin’ 500 lbs, I gotta say thanks, but no thanks. I mean, how do his groupies even find his penis? Also, weight aside, Rick Ross is a former corrections officer. How tame and un-gangster can you get? If I’m going to marry a rapper, he better be a G who’s spent some time on the right side of the prison cell, am I right?

5. Ron Artest, aka Metta World Peace (small forward, LA Lakers). While I admit to a disturbingly strong physical attraction to RonRon, his obvious mental problems make him a deal breaker. First of all, guy changed his name to Metta World Peace. METTA WORLD PEACE!! I simply cannot and will not recognize that as a legal name. Second, he named his daughter “Diamond,” and I can’t get down with that. Incidentally, Diamond recently announced that she wants to change her last name to World Peace, to be more like her daddy. Now, that’s some dysfunction I want nothing to do with. (Although I did run into Artest one time outside the SLS Hotel in Hollywood, and he is definitely a Grade-A piece.) So, RonRon, if you wanna hook up sometime… hit me up on Facebook. P.S. – Go Lakers! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Jason Persse

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