5 Rich Dudes I'd Never Have A Baby With

In today’s troubled economy, many of us are forced to look outside the box when it comes to getting paid. With the influx of shows like Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Real Housewives, and Millionaire Matchmaker, I have to say the idea of seducing and then trapping a rich dude with my uterus has crossed my mind from time to time. I’m not sayin’ I’m a gold digger… but I probably could be. Everybody has their limits, though — even those girls on Millionaire Matchmaker (read: the Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis episode). Here are five Rich Dudes that are absolutely, definitely NOT on my list of theoretical Rich Baby Daddys.

1. Chris “Birdman” Andersen (center/power forward, Denver Nuggets). I do have a thing for blonde white boys, but this guy is too much. After a highly publicized expulsion from the NBA for substance abuse (they never said which drugs, but I’m betting on coke or speed — gross), he returned to the NBA with a giant “Free Bird” tattoo inked on his neck in a Rainbow Brite color palette. Total deal breaker. Also — I don’t date guys with mohawks, even if they’re famous.

2. Gucci Mane (rapper). I love Gucci Mane’s music, but the guy looks like a mix between Joe Camel and Jabba the Hutt. Physical repulsiveness aside, Gucci’s semi-recent ice cream cone facial tattoo celebrating his release from the psych ward (wtf?) and even more recent legal problems caused by him shoving a woman out of his moving Escalade after she refused his $150 offer for sex (double wtf??) are two characteristics that bump him off the list. “Mental incompetency,” indeed.

3. Blake Griffin (center, LA Clippers). First, I’d never get with a Clipper. Second, even though BG is a total beast on the court, he looks a bit like a Neanderthal. Blake Griffin makes Kris Humphries (ex-Mr. Kim Kardashian and current power forward for the New Jersey Nets) look like Einstein. I can look past a little mental inferiority in a rich/ hot mate, but Griffin sort of looks like he shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

4. Rick Ross (rapper). Sorry, Rozay, but this ride has a weight limit. I actually kind of dig a little cushion for the pushin’, but when you’re pushin’ 500 lbs, I gotta say thanks, but no thanks. I mean, how do his groupies even find his penis? Also, weight aside, Rick Ross is a former corrections officer. How tame and un-gangster can you get? If I’m going to marry a rapper, he better be a G who’s spent some time on the right side of the prison cell, am I right?

5. Ron Artest, aka Metta World Peace (small forward, LA Lakers). While I admit to a disturbingly strong physical attraction to RonRon, his obvious mental problems make him a deal breaker. First of all, guy changed his name to Metta World Peace. METTA WORLD PEACE!! I simply cannot and will not recognize that as a legal name. Second, he named his daughter “Diamond,” and I can’t get down with that. Incidentally, Diamond recently announced that she wants to change her last name to World Peace, to be more like her daddy. Now, that’s some dysfunction I want nothing to do with. (Although I did run into Artest one time outside the SLS Hotel in Hollywood, and he is definitely a Grade-A piece.) So, RonRon, if you wanna hook up sometime… hit me up on Facebook. P.S. – Go Lakers! TC mark

image – Jason Persse

More From Thought Catalog

  • lefty

    Blake Griffin is actually really funny…and funny people are smart somehow.

  • Guest01

    I’ve heard that Gucci was driving a Hummer.She should have been wearing her seatbelt. 

  • Anon

    Maybe he doesn’t look it, but Blake Griffin is actually a surprisingly witty guy. Go check out his twitter. 

    Fun Fact: He actually worked for Funny or Die during the lockout.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

      I hate agreeing, but yeah, check out an athlete’s twitter. The NHL particularly has a ton of ludicrously witty guys playing “bash em and cash em” hockey.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=618231396 Vicki Aiken

    I like most of your articles, and I agree these people aren’t ideal partners (!), but it is not useful to criticise people for having mental health problems or having been inpatients on psych wards. Such problems are very common, 1/4 Americans experience a mental illness in a year, and there is still a massive problem with people being judged for having an illness they couldn’t help getting.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rebecca-Pederson/6709016 Rebecca Pederson

      It’s 100% okay to knock someone down a peg, mental illness or no, when they get away with pushing women out of moving cars because they’re famous.

      • BigGorillasDon'tCry

        yes yes yes and why do you not have more likes for this? heres one. yup

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    I love that Rick Ross has a necklace of his own face.

  • Domino

    ahahahahaha i laughed so hard when you mentioned jason “gummy bear” davis… he could have all the money in the fucking world and i wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.

  • A-W

    Well, they probably wouldn’t want to have a baby with you either.

  • anon

    article’s kinda stupid and racist :)

  • http://twitter.com/RantingOwl The Owl

    People take things SO SERIOUSLY. This article was racist, really? She was making fun of mental patients, really?
    Racist because the majority of the list is black? Okay, Tessah’s not white. And mental patients? IT’S GUCCI MANE ……………………..yeah.
    I LOLed at this article.

  • Southernvtgal

    best part is i dont recognize anyone on this list.

  • Ugh

    Ok. Some Oreo doesn’t want to fuck a crackhead and four black guys. What else is new?
    Lemme guess, your man is white?

    • GUEST

      Wow. Oreo. Somebody is still in high school. I don’t like her list either but the whole “black on the outside, white on the inside” schtick is so unoriginal and completely offensive, not to mention racist (whether you, UGH, are black or otherwise).

  • guest

    Chris Birdmans cute and a gentleman!

  • Melissa

    i’m sorry, but your articles are really offensive and stupid. okay, i’m not sorry.

    you suck.

  • Riko

    This writers tops my ‘most annoying Thought Catalog writer’ list, which is a great feat. Choice articles: How to Be Boughetto, What It’s Like to Be a Pretty Girl, A Scientific Inventory of My Purse

    What happened to insightful articles, and if not that, at least FUNNY pieces? Real talk, someone could smash their head against the keyboard and produce funnier and better written articles.

blog comments powered by Disqus