6 Inappropriate Male Hook-Up Moves

Having sex is usually fun, but can be occasionally scary/ hilarious/ traumatizing, depending on the partner. Every guy has his own style, but once in a while you come across a dude who just does. Not. Get. It. I wish every potential sexual partner came with a sticker that proclaimed any idiosyncrasies, like “Barks Like a Dog When He Orgasms,” “Wearing a Diaper Under Armani Business Suit,” or simply “4 Minutes, Tops.” Even if he’s relatively normal, it’s become apparent to me that many guys have a skewed idea of what good sex really is, or worse, they can’t recognize bad sex when it’s happening. The following is a list I’ve compiled out of my own sexual misadventures and those of my friends (who remain anonymous) of the most popularly misguided moves in the history of modern sex.

  1. Suck on our fingers. Where is the sex appeal in this? Luckily, I’ve only had to experience this weirdness once, but when it happened I almost burst out laughing. I especially find it hilarious when they look at you with their “sexy face,” which for me has the sex appeal of a dead trout. If you want to suck on something, find a nipple, or a Popsicle.
  2. Make us suck on your fingers. Last time I checked, I was a grown woman, not a baby. What’s the purpose of this activity? Is it for me, or for you? I mean, wouldn’t you rather have someone go down on you instead of your finger? I mean, I guess if you’re really into it, I’ll do it — but only if it gets me out of a BJ later, and even then, consider yourself added to the “Men I’ll Only Go Out With if I’m Broke and Need Dinner” section of my date book.
  3. Spit on it. Vagina rule #1: it’s self-secreting. If it’s not getting wet by itself, it’s because you’re doing something wrong. I get it – some girls don’t get juiced up easily, but that’s what lube is for! Hocking a loogie on my Virgin Mary (ha, ha) is a leap in the wrong direction, my friend. I didn’t sign up to roleplay as a spittoon in the Old West, k?
  4. Over-enthusiastic finger banging. I like it rough as much as the next girl, but when your knuckles are bashing against my pelvic bones like a jackhammer, it makes it kind of hard to focus/enjoy/sit down later. My eyes are rolling in the back of my head in pain, not pleasure!
  5. Having sex with my face. If you’re into this, then you must have a vom fetish, cause that’s what’s coming. All over your package. I’ll freely give you a blowjob, but give me the space to do it right. Trust me, I can do a lot more without you grabbing my head and forcibly slamming it onto your penis. You know I have teeth, right? This is the equivalent of shoving your penis into an unreliable bear trap. All I’m sayin’: I’m not responsible for blood loss if the force of whiplash causes me to suddenly bite down.
  6. Wanting to be called “Daddy.” Skipping over the obvious Freudian drama of wanting to be called/calling a sexual partner “Daddy,” why is it that only young guys want to be called this? The title kind of implies you’re providing for someone, but if you work part time at Runner’s High and your main hobbies are Xbox 360 and longboarding, you ain’t takin’ care of anything. If you’re a silver fox taking me on impromptu weekend trips to Rio de Janeiro, then maybe we can talk.

Ultimately, there are way too many guys out there who consider these sex acts to be appropriate and/or arousing. Just because you saw it in a porn flick doesn’t mean it’s sexy IRL. In fact seeing it in a porn flick is a good indicator of what NOT to do in bed. If you are the perpetrator of one or more of these acts, leave this page immediately and head straight to the Human Sexuality corner of your nearest bookstore. If you are the victim of one or more of these acts, don’t be afraid to stop him mid-act, say, “Sorry. I just can’t.” and go get yourself some lo mein. You earned it, girl. TC mark

image – Christian Montone

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  • Rothanna28

    So accurate. Dying laughing.

  • Seriouslydudes

    1. Finger in the a**
    2. Finger in the a**
    3. Finger in the a**
    4. Finger in the a**
    5. Finger in the a**
    6. Finger in the a**

    • Seriouslydudes

      Seriously, just don’t do it. WHY? Why.

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        NOT A UNIVERSAL RULE. But please, please, please ask first. Always ask. ALWAYS ASK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT ISN’T VANILLA MISSIONARY

      • Seriouslydudes

        You’re right, it’s all about permission. But a surprise finger during a first (or only) hookup with someone is never ok. I’ve uh, heard.

  • Becky

    TESSAH, NO. I seriously can’t deal with how funny this is so you need to cool it before I lose my cool, ya heard?

  • Sex differs.

    This makes you come across all kinds of vanilla.

    • spinflux

      There aren’t all kinds of vanilla, unfortunately. 

  • knjoy

    “The title kind of implies you’re providing for someone, but if you work part time at Runner’s High and your main hobbies are Xbox 360 and longboarding, you ain’t takin’ care of anything.”  hahaha loved this article!

  • N. Chaplin

    As a queer man, I find this funny because I didn’t realize men do all the same silly things with women that we do with each other. Between guys, #3 is a necessity and #5 is a Sunday afternoon after brunch and a shared newspaper. #’s 1 & 2 are admittedly odd but nonetheless something that men seem to gravitate to naturally, inexplicable a turn-on though it may be. #4 can readily be blamed on pornography. I don’t understand why a man would actually do that to a woman. It’s not as if the average guy would enjoy having that done to him. Seriously ladies, the next time your dude starts jack hammering your scene with three fingers, try returning the favor. When he reflexively freaks or at least whimpers like an injured puppy, tell him, “It’s only fair…”

    • http://twitter.com/nchaplin__ N. Chaplin

      Oh, yes, then there’s #6. I don’t get it, either but I like it just as much as the rest of them. Sorry.

    • OHHEYGIRL

      Please don’t speak for all of us gays.  I think #3 and #5 are a complete turn-off, along with everything else on this list.  I love giving a beej as much as the next gay, but if you thrust into my mouth it’s over buddy.

      • http://twitter.com/nchaplin__ N. Chaplin

        I would never intentionally speak for ‘all of us gays’. Sorry it sounded that way. I’m a ‘queer’ really. Maybe something was lost in the translation.

    • xra

      I’ve met enough girls who’re way down with 1/2, and 5 in particular, to know it’s not a girl/guy thing; she’s just universalizing her own peeves

      …well and 3 gets requested too, but those girls can be kinda too much at times cause they _will_ want you to spit all sorts of places, and then are usually into kissing all slobbery which can be hot, but i gotta be like in some kinda dopamine-fueled flow state to straight-up embrace the fact that my face just got licked

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I feel dirty.  I’m going to look at images of Zooey Deschanel…I’ll be reminded of puppies, sunshine, and all things sweet. 
    By the way, call me Mommy to really make things interesting.   

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    You forgot ear licking. Erryboday loves a lil ear/lobe nibbling. But the number of guys that have put touched my ear drum with their tongues is frightening (does that reflect more on me or them….). And 100% of the time earns you a great view of my ass as I walk the fuck away

    • Cdafox

      Ya, well check this: a friend of mine actually had to have antibiotics bc a guy tongued her ear w his dirty tongued self.

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        NO, OH MY GOD. what in the FUCK do you have to be eating/licking/contracting to get bacteria so bad it infects someone’s ear? fuckin cooties, man, fuckin cooties.

    • Kirstie

      i laughed at this so hard i cried. but like… how? how does that happen?

  • Anonymous

    Yeah, I only find one of these unacceptable. Two at a push.

  • http://rayguntest.tumblr.com Raegan

    THANK YOU

  • Stefan

    wow sex is different for everybody and people like different things and sometimes things you don’t like (for whatever reasons) are things that other people can’t do without.

    also, to me, the biggest inappropriate thing to do is shame people for what they like to do, so let’s all not do that. but really, if you want to do something/have something done for you, ask! in the case of doing it to someone else, it’s a courtesy to them; and in the case of wanting something done to you, even if the other person(s) refuse you’ll at least have a better chance of getting whatever it is than you would without asking (and if they try to shame you it usually means they have insecurity issues or are just jerks, which often come as a package deal anyway.)

    what am I trying to say? everybody deserves to have amazing sex/orgasms, or if that’s not your thing whatever, we’re all just people trying to get by.

  • Patt

    Well, Dan Savage you certainly are not. My general rule is, anything two consenting adults want to do together should be with out judgement. Essentially, what you’ve compiled is a group of your personal pet peeves, which is fine and funny and I’m sure lots of people will share in some of them. Perhaps the thing I’ll get from this is to know what not to do during a night of random hook-up vanilla sex. The one thing to do during sex (or before) is to communicate, and let your partner know what you like and what you wanna do. 
    The presence of the one thing to do is far more important than any six things that maybe you shouldn’t. 

  • Deirdree_lynn

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

  • xra

    all of these are totally ok except #6, that’s just weird

    • Guest

      depends on the person. Frankly, I don’t mind 5 or 2, but not when I’m “made”/encouraged to. And spitting on it… no. If there’s no lube and things aren’t cooperating, go down on it or spit on your hand or something, but straight up spitting on it? I like rough, dirty and kinky, but something about that just screams “broke ass meth addict” in a cheap porn. ew.

  • http://twitter.com/eltigrillo Daniel Alvarenga

    DON’T YUCK SOMEONE ELSE’S YUM.

    That being said. This article is so on point.  

  • Anonymous

    Wait. Stop. I hooked up with someone this weekend that did at least half of those named. I can’t stop laughing. Spot on, thanks for the giggles.

  • Enticing

    This is a really bad follow up to the “pretty girls” article.

  • Samantha

    I generally don’t agree with most of this list. The only reason that I won’t let a guys hands near my mouth is because I don’t know if he’s washed them properly. I kind of like #5, but I am the only one of my friends who does.

    As for #6… can anyone explain that. I had a partner that once said mid act, “Have you been a good girl? You don’t want to make Daddy angry, do you?” I may have overreacted but I couldn’t get into it after that. I just imagined that he was imagining a little girl.
    So, can anyone explain #6?

    SERIOUSLYDUDES, there with you.

    • guese

      as a dude there is absolutely nothing sexy about a girl calling me daddy. i throw up in my mouth at the thought

    • Georenfro

      It’s a role playing thing. I see the bedroom as the place where you can be most comfortable with your partner. Its all apart of the game to feel submissive/dominant. I recommend it for someone you are close with.

  • DUhr

    I don’t see anything wrong with the finger sucking or spitting.

  • http://twitter.com/sodiumsepia Rick

    Wow, how unintentionally hilarious. It’s cute how you think your opinions are absolutes, as though all girls dislike the things you do. You should write “how to please your man” tips for Cosmo; seems like you have the right skill set.

    • DUhr

      yeah, a lot of girls are too afraid to say anything. what a shame, they will never get what they want.

      • Giest12345

        Because it goes over so well. Suggestions and requests in bed are typically either taken personally, or read into to such an extent that the other person will either shut down, lose their enthusiasm, be hurt by any feedback that isn’t glowing with praise, or be reminded that you’ve had sex with someone else, and it was probably better.

        If it’s that awful, chances are I’m not the first girl to think so, and they obviously aren’t willing/capable to learn any different, or don’t respond well to feedback. It just becomes a no go.

      • http://twitter.com/sodiumsepia Rick

        Yeah, sounds like the problem isn’t communication, but likely a tactless delivery. Or that you’re having sex with profoundly immature people or people with crippling ego problems. Either way, you’re doing it wrong.

      • JesusChristISBORN

        and also, there aren’t many young guys that are good lovers.

      • Jesus C. superstar

        if the guy doesn’t listen to you, you have two options…put up with it and be his little rag doll, or leave him and find someone that’s more sexually compatible and that won’t get offended at a small request. that’s always an option.

    • DUhr

      the only one that I think would be an absolute is number 5. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends complain about it, because for fucking obvious reasons: it is rude to push someone’s fucking head up and down, end of story. obviously it is because the guy wants to dominate and control…or maybe he is just a cretin with no sense of decency..(as many men are).

      • xra

        “obviously it is because the guy wants to dominate and control”
        why is that bad

      • Tryptamine

        Well not necessarily bad as unwelcome on the lady’s part? Remember kids, consensual is the key word here: she might want it, she might not. If she doesn’t, don’t do it. 

        BAMBAM just solved all the worlds problems right there.

      • Jesus with a headache

        would you want someone pushing your head? ok, now apply it to the girl. bye.

      • Rachel

        because this is the 21st century and it should be abundantly clear that sexism is shit

      • http://twitter.com/sodiumsepia Rick

         Whoa. Don’t conflate social oppression with sexual domination. Those are two very different beasts.

      • Jesus C.

        uh…okay, maybe it’s not bad in a psychological sense, but when someone is grabbing your head and pushing it, it tends to cause pain. it is not hot, it’s weird and unnecessary. stop watching so much porn.

  • bones

    hey rick, calm your nerves, she’s not talking about you personally. it’s just a little fluff piece that’s cute and true….for her. no need to vent your spleen, buddy.

  • falalalalalalalaa

    this is kind of an opinion piece
    i dont want to get out of giving a blow job and i like it when boys suck on my fingers
    having said that, the ‘daddy’ thing makes me not want to venture out and explore the world of sex..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i know some girls that get turned on by finger sucking

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Who are these guys that are spitting on vaginas? There are other ways to do that, you don’t have to spit on it. They must be like the guys who stick it in and immediately ask if you came.

    • kimchee

      It happened to me once. It was possibly the worst things that’s ever happened to me.

  • Caroline T

    Ugh why do you think anyone would want to read your writing

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