Having sex is usually fun, but can be occasionally scary/ hilarious/ traumatizing, depending on the partner. Every guy has his own style, but once in a while you come across a dude who just does. Not. Get. It. I wish every potential sexual partner came with a sticker that proclaimed any idiosyncrasies, like “Barks Like a Dog When He Orgasms,” “Wearing a Diaper Under Armani Business Suit,” or simply “4 Minutes, Tops.” Even if he’s relatively normal, it’s become apparent to me that many guys have a skewed idea of what good sex really is, or worse, they can’t recognize bad sex when it’s happening. The following is a list I’ve compiled out of my own sexual misadventures and those of my friends (who remain anonymous) of the most popularly misguided moves in the history of modern sex.
- Suck on our fingers. Where is the sex appeal in this? Luckily, I’ve only had to experience this weirdness once, but when it happened I almost burst out laughing. I especially find it hilarious when they look at you with their “sexy face,” which for me has the sex appeal of a dead trout. If you want to suck on something, find a nipple, or a Popsicle.
- Make us suck on your fingers. Last time I checked, I was a grown woman, not a baby. What’s the purpose of this activity? Is it for me, or for you? I mean, wouldn’t you rather have someone go down on you instead of your finger? I mean, I guess if you’re really into it, I’ll do it — but only if it gets me out of a BJ later, and even then, consider yourself added to the “Men I’ll Only Go Out With if I’m Broke and Need Dinner” section of my date book.
- Spit on it. Vagina rule #1: it’s self-secreting. If it’s not getting wet by itself, it’s because you’re doing something wrong. I get it – some girls don’t get juiced up easily, but that’s what lube is for! Hocking a loogie on my Virgin Mary (ha, ha) is a leap in the wrong direction, my friend. I didn’t sign up to roleplay as a spittoon in the Old West, k?
- Over-enthusiastic finger banging. I like it rough as much as the next girl, but when your knuckles are bashing against my pelvic bones like a jackhammer, it makes it kind of hard to focus/enjoy/sit down later. My eyes are rolling in the back of my head in pain, not pleasure!
- Having sex with my face. If you’re into this, then you must have a vom fetish, cause that’s what’s coming. All over your package. I’ll freely give you a blowjob, but give me the space to do it right. Trust me, I can do a lot more without you grabbing my head and forcibly slamming it onto your penis. You know I have teeth, right? This is the equivalent of shoving your penis into an unreliable bear trap. All I’m sayin’: I’m not responsible for blood loss if the force of whiplash causes me to suddenly bite down.
- Wanting to be called “Daddy.” Skipping over the obvious Freudian drama of wanting to be called/calling a sexual partner “Daddy,” why is it that only young guys want to be called this? The title kind of implies you’re providing for someone, but if you work part time at Runner’s High and your main hobbies are Xbox 360 and longboarding, you ain’t takin’ care of anything. If you’re a silver fox taking me on impromptu weekend trips to Rio de Janeiro, then maybe we can talk.
Ultimately, there are way too many guys out there who consider these sex acts to be appropriate and/or arousing. Just because you saw it in a porn flick doesn’t mean it’s sexy IRL. In fact seeing it in a porn flick is a good indicator of what NOT to do in bed. If you are the perpetrator of one or more of these acts, leave this page immediately and head straight to the Human Sexuality corner of your nearest bookstore. If you are the victim of one or more of these acts, don’t be afraid to stop him mid-act, say, “Sorry. I just can’t.” and go get yourself some lo mein. You earned it, girl.