Do you guys know who this is? Her name is Courtney Stodden, and she rose (stumbled? Flailed?) to semi-fame after she married her 51 year old half-man, half-reptile husband (also known as the creepy prison guard from The Green Mile, also known as Doug Hutchison) at 16 years old. She’s an aspiring singer and model, and if any of you have seen her music video “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl”, you know she is the epitome of class, style, and Bai Ling-level insanity. This girl is clearly A) 30 years old, B) hooked on prescription drugs, and/or C) the next Maya Angelou, as the following list of her ten best Tweets of all time is about to prove:
10. Back in from a hot hike up the back inclines of LA. Boy, conquering THAT in 7 in. stilettos makes for an AMAZING workout! Feeling energized!
Yeah right. If by “hike” you mean helping Granddad Hutchinson onto the toilet, then maybe.
9. Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl
A white string bikini and fluffy light up bunny ears? Are you for real? “Don’t Put It On Me Girl” + “What In the Hell Kind of Drugs Are You On And Please Get Your Lips Off My Goddamn Cookies” + “Aren’t You Supposed to Be In Like, High School Right Now”? would be my response if I came home to that tomfoolery. Even I wasn’t that screwed up/slutty when I was 17.
8. Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!
“Tasteful?” Slurping on PeePaw Hutchinson’s wrinkled pickle is less “tasteful” and more “ohmygodI’mgonnathrowup.” NOTE: I’m surprised she even got to the “lush creamy filling.” That probably took some serious manual labor. NOTE #2: Me and everyone else out there who’s ever given a blow job knows there’s nothing sweet, syrupy, or lush about it. Salty, sticky, and regretful? Maybe. Stop playin’, girl.
7. Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!
Bad, Courtney- BAD!! I know Granddad Hutchinson’s tongue feels like a piece of dry sandpaper, but that’s what you get for marrying a D-list Komodo dragon, and besides- the dogs are INNOCENT!
6. Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)
First of all, your 35-year-old birthday suit looks like one of Ed Gein’s old human skin onesies, and I bet it tastes even worse. Second of all…gross.
5. Stepped my paws into a sexy wet cat-suit; Prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin’ my lips searchin’ for some nip! MEEEOWWW! ;-)
I know you think licking your lips is sexy, but it’s really not when your version of “prowling mysteriously” actually means crawling around on your hands and knees in an old wetsuit of Granddad Hutchison’s frantically searching for a lost Oxycontin (oops, I mean “nip”) and then hiding behind the drapes when he starts ringing the bell that means, “baby oil and vinyl facemask time.”
4. Gratifying our glorious Lord for all of the beauty that He continuously blesses each and every one of us with. Thank you, Jesus! XO’s ;-x
Wait…WHAT?? You’ve been vomiting out over-alliterated Tweets about your “sweetly sensual body” and the “erotic enchanting kiss of the sun’s sweet nectar” or WHATTHEHELLEVER, and now you’re going to thank JESUS? Don’t thank him, babygirl- thank your parents for allowing your sweet, sensual, nonsensical, pill-popping grace and foolery to shine through the sheer sexuality of your natural beauty. And P.S.-You can’t “XO” Jesus. You just can’t.
3. Returned from a late night walk through these angelic alleys of the Hollywood hills w/ my love. I taste God’s beauty with great gratitude…
HA! I don’t know what PeePaw Hutchison is teaching you about sex, but that is NOT “God’s beauty” you’re tasting.
2. Experiencing such a wet ‘n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs
No. No no no. That “rejuvenating” water you felt was actually your next door neighbor spraying the hose on you when she found you passed out in her hydrangeas in your “cheeky string bikini.” Don’t worry – they’ll explain everything at the Charlie Sheen Institute for Delusional Hot Messes.
1. Had such a Thirsty-Thursday; I just might have Doug moisten my mouth tonight with his delectable drink? Mmm… Now that’s tempting… ;-)
IS THIS FOR REAL??????? (NOTE: Granddad Hutchison is clearly past his prime, and Viagra only works on human beings, so I’m going to go ahead and assume she is talking about golden showers. As in watersports, as in drinking piss. Cue me realizing that my writing career thus far amounts to writing articles for free about 17 year olds hypothetically drinking old man piss. This just got real. I gotta go.)