The Top Ten Worst Tweets By Courtney Stodden

Do you guys know who this is? Her name is Courtney Stodden, and she rose (stumbled? Flailed?) to semi-fame after she married her 51 year old half-man, half-reptile husband (also known as the creepy prison guard from The Green Mile, also known as Doug Hutchison) at 16 years old. She’s an aspiring singer and model, and if any of you have seen her music video “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl”, you know she is the epitome of class, style, and Bai Ling-level insanity. This girl is clearly A) 30 years old, B) hooked on prescription drugs, and/or C) the next Maya Angelou, as the following list of her ten best Tweets of all time is about to prove:

10. Back in from a hot hike up the back inclines of LA. Boy, conquering THAT in 7 in. stilettos makes for an AMAZING workout! Feeling energized!

Yeah right. If by “hike” you mean helping Granddad Hutchinson onto the toilet, then maybe.

9. Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl

A white string bikini and fluffy light up bunny ears? Are you for real? “Don’t Put It On Me Girl” + “What In the Hell Kind of Drugs Are You On And Please Get Your Lips Off My Goddamn Cookies” + “Aren’t You Supposed to Be In Like, High School Right Now”? would be my response if I came home to that tomfoolery. Even I wasn’t that screwed up/slutty when I was 17.

8. Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!

“Tasteful?” Slurping on PeePaw Hutchinson’s wrinkled pickle is less “tasteful” and more “ohmygodI’mgonnathrowup.” NOTE: I’m surprised she even got to the “lush creamy filling.” That probably took some serious manual labor. NOTE #2: Me and everyone else out there who’s ever given a blow job knows there’s nothing sweet, syrupy, or lush about it. Salty, sticky, and regretful? Maybe. Stop playin’, girl.

7. Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!

Bad, Courtney- BAD!! I know Granddad Hutchinson’s tongue feels like a piece of dry sandpaper, but that’s what you get for marrying a D-list Komodo dragon, and besides- the dogs are INNOCENT!

6. Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)

First of all, your 35-year-old birthday suit looks like one of Ed Gein’s old human skin onesies, and I bet it tastes even worse. Second of all…gross.

5. Stepped my paws into a sexy wet cat-suit; Prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin’ my lips searchin’ for some nip! MEEEOWWW! ;-)

I know you think licking your lips is sexy, but it’s really not when your version of “prowling mysteriously” actually means crawling around on your hands and knees in an old wetsuit of Granddad Hutchison’s frantically searching for a lost Oxycontin (oops, I mean “nip”) and then hiding behind the drapes when he starts ringing the bell that means, “baby oil and vinyl facemask time.”

4. Gratifying our glorious Lord for all of the beauty that He continuously blesses each and every one of us with. Thank you, Jesus! XO’s ;-x

Wait…WHAT?? You’ve been vomiting out over-alliterated Tweets about your “sweetly sensual body” and the “erotic enchanting kiss of the sun’s sweet nectar” or WHATTHEHELLEVER, and now you’re going to thank JESUS? Don’t thank him, babygirl- thank your parents for allowing your sweet, sensual, nonsensical, pill-popping grace and foolery to shine through the sheer sexuality of your natural beauty. And P.S.-You can’t “XO” Jesus. You just can’t.

3. Returned from a late night walk through these angelic alleys of the Hollywood hills w/ my love. I taste God’s beauty with great gratitude…

HA! I don’t know what PeePaw Hutchison is teaching you about sex, but that is NOT “God’s beauty” you’re tasting.

2. Experiencing such a wet ‘n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs

No. No no no. That “rejuvenating” water you felt was actually your next door neighbor spraying the hose on you when she found you passed out in her hydrangeas in your “cheeky string bikini.” Don’t worry – they’ll explain everything at the Charlie Sheen Institute for Delusional Hot Messes.

1. Had such a Thirsty-Thursday; I just might have Doug moisten my mouth tonight with his delectable drink? Mmm… Now that’s tempting… ;-)

IS THIS FOR REAL??????? (NOTE: Granddad Hutchison is clearly past his prime, and Viagra only works on human beings, so I’m going to go ahead and assume she is talking about golden showers. As in watersports, as in drinking piss. Cue me realizing that my writing career thus far amounts to  writing articles for free about 17 year olds hypothetically drinking old man piss. This just got real. I gotta go.) TC mark

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Image – Courtney Stodden

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i’ve read this somewhere…

  • Smithk310

    She makes me hate alliterations. 

  • http://andiegoddessofpickles.blogspot.com Andie

    Gah.  Just Gah.  I need a shower.  *shudders*

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    This made me feel dirty.

  • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

    Every one of these tweets makes me want to kill myself.

  • http://twitter.com/YocastaArias Yocasta Arias

    You can’t XO Jesus, haha that made my day

  • PerspicuousJ

    I’ve seen that Twitter! I was fairly certain it was a fake joke account because it doesn’t have the little blue verified check mark.

    But yes, you can’t XO Jesus.

    • http://zuungols.myminicity.com/sec Teresa S.

      Don’t they  do verified accounts  only for celebrities/brands? I sincerely hope this crazy bitch has not reached that status.

  • B Wagner03

    her tweets have seriously been the highlight to some days (no joke!). my boss and i set aside special time just to share and enjoy… agreed though, the bitch is clearly 30+ years old and bat shit crazy, and it cracks.me.up.

    • Tessah Schoenrock

      I’m obsessed with/disgusted by her (obvi)

  • Sarah

    I refuse to believe this is real. I just can’t believe Courtney Stodden is literate enough to use things like “punctuation” and “proper capitalization.”

    Mostly because of this: http://news.softpedia.com/news/Teen-Bride-Courtney-Stodden-Wants-3-Million-for-One-Interview-215624.shtml

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    This could have been really funny because 1. this girl is nuts 2. she tweets like nuts; and it also could have been a very honest discussion about how fucked up she is, but instead you wrote terribly, you were unfunny, and you judged the fuck out of her for superficial reasons instead of looking at what’s really wrong with her (and there is something very developmentally wrong). Terrible.

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      & normally I don’t bother commenting negatively, but this is just stupid and bitchy.

      • Tessah Schoenrock

        Thank you!

      • lolastrawbunny

        i think its great. i mean did you READ her tweets. HAHAHAHA. i am now following her just to amuse myself. i love crazy people, they are funny

      • Tessah Schoenrock

        she truly is cray cray to the maxxx

    • Tessah Schoenrock

      Who cares what’s developmentally wrong with her? Where’s the fun in that?

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    You love to hate her. Though you know, I’m not christian, but I think you could love Jesus and be into sex, just sayin’. Kind of want to follow her on twitter now

    • Tessah Schoenrock

      True. But not the point.

      • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

        I enjoyed this also :-)

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    The number of times I nearly vomited while reading is an absolute TC first for me. I was so much happier not knowing she existed. :|

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    reading this made me feel bad inside

  • http://www.tinacris.ca Cristina

    I know I’m supposed to be disturbed and all “she’s crazy” and everything, but how come all I can think about is how I hope this girl never ever stops tweeting? Too entertaining.

  • Catriona

    You know that weird nervous laughter you get when someone dies or something really bad happens? 

  • Anonymous
  • Sarah H

    oh god I actually shuddered
    ….thanks?

  • Anonymous
  • sixx

    heated.flesh.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1781767179 Merrick Johnson

      fucking disgusting.

  • Anonymous

    http://www.lovetoshopping.org
    Cheapest DG Shoes,Discount Brand Purses,Baby Phat Clothing

  • Guessed

    “PeePaw Hutchinson’s wrinkled pickle” omg

  • http://twitter.com/catedeleon Cate de Leon

    There should be a law against number 7.  The poor dogs @_@

  • Yakopian

    Hahahaha the last few lines were fucking great.

  • http://twitter.com/TerenceMonster Terence Tay

    THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HAHAHA

  • Ali

    CourtneyStodden
    Courtney Stodden

    Lickin a sucker as I
    boisterously bounce UP & down on the bed while drenched in a soak ‘n
    wet white mini-T & pink panties; Feelin Dangerous!

    NOOOOOOOOOOOO

     

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