My Completely Fake Resume

About Me: Semi-ambitious and fully conscious beautiful biracial butterfly seeks employment. Requires 4 days off/week and $80,000/year+ salary. Will not: wear nametag or bra, answer to authority, keep regular hours, or pass a drug test. Will offer customer service based on the attractiveness of the customer, bare breasts to make sales, take TCBY breaks on a regular basis, starting at 10 am when they open.


2001-2005 :Ventura High School

  • Concentration: General Ed, late blooming (also see: awkwardness)
  • Degree: Diploma

2005-2010: California State University, Long Beach

  • Concentration: English Literature, alcoholism
  • Degree: B.A. (barely)

Work Experience

1987-present: Executive of Tessah Schoenrock Enterprises

  • Duties: keeping it flossy, spending parents’ money on sushi dinners, Groupons, and parking tickets.

2001-2010: Student Extraordinaire

  • Duties: skipping class, making up ludicrous and far-fetched excuses for said skipped classes, stalking cute boys in the library, reading books sometimes.

2008-present : Underpaid Cashier

  • Duties: maintaining air of apathy at all times, rolling my eyes/sighing, taking 20-minute 10-minute breaks, hiding in the bathroom.

Special Skills

Left handed (unless practicing solo sex or shooting hoops), can beat Disney’s Aladdin for Super Nintendo in 30 minutes or less, good at standing on both feet at the same time, knows closest Taco Bell location from any point in the Long Beach/Orange County area, usually wears matching shoes, knows all the words to Crazy Town’s “Butterfly,” Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady,” and Smash Mouth’s “All Star” (among others). Makes an excellent grilled cheese sandwich. Expert at the Dougie, the Stanky Leg, and the Tootsie Roll, but is still working on her Jerk. Can fit into a size 25 jean with the help of a pair of pliers. Also bilingual: can ask, “Where’s the bathroom,” “Which way is Forever 21” and “How much is that red velvet cupcake” in three different languages.


Lil’ Wayne (rapper)

Relationship: Baby Daddy

Contact: via telepathy

Gucci Mane (rapper)

Relationship: Dope Boy

Contact: via carrier pigeon/Pony Express

Kathy Reid (manager, In n Out)

Relationship: Sexual

Contact: Drive Thru Window, 6391 E. Pacific Coast Highway, Long Beach, CA TC mark

image – Charlotwest


More From Thought Catalog

  • Megan


  • Hannah Foster.

    You're hired.

  • Allison Berger

    i laughed.

  • Abby

    This was funny. Imagine if everyone put who they actually were on their resumes…

  • pewpdude

    It's hard to find Taco Bell in orange county. Mostly Del Tacos.

    • Tessah

      Making my expertise all the more valuable…

  • Yw6765

    speaking 3 languages would make you trilingual.

    • Tessah

      Hahahaha. Touche.

  • Andrew

    Do you want to date me?

  • Michael Koh

    Mighty Taco

  • tadr1t

    I'm not having any luck at getting a job with my resume, so I might just do this. Thanks.

  • Ella

    I love this!

  • Deb

    If you still live in LB you should check out the maryjane dispensary off of PCH. You sound like you'd be the prefect candidate for the merch girl.

    • Tessah

      Dank Depot on PCH/7th? Can you get a job at a dispensary if you don't have a club card?

  • Perfect Circles

    We need professional references – otherwise everything looks good.

    • Sally Jenkins

      PC, is you a woman or is you a man?

      • Perfect Circles

        I'm an automated computer program.  Gender does not apply.

  • Alen David Schwab

    Very funny!

  • Caleb Ray

    This is so great! Maybe if my applications and resumés were like this I wouldn’t be unemployed any longer.  Keep these kind of thoughts coming!

  • eric

    go beach

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