I’m So Sorry For What I Did To Your Heart

Tengku Razaleigh

I’m sorry for breaking your heart. We were extremely good together. I won’t deny that. You did a beautiful job of making me smile when I needed it, and I think I did the same for you. There are few people who I would drive 45 minutes to at midnight. There are few people who can make me smile when I want to curl up and cry. There are few people who know to play with my hair if they want to make me melt.

But despite all of our good qualities, there were the small things that just couldn’t be ignored. There were the moments where our cogs couldn’t quite line up. I’ve spent many years trying to avoid stepping into traps, and I’ve finally learned to recognize where the ground may give out beneath you. And that’s you. If I truly gave my all, trusted you with my life, I would have fallen and crashed.

You don’t know how to catch me. It’s simple, but nonetheless painful. It hurts because I wanted this to work out so badly. I wanted it to be you. I wanted to imagine the rest of my life with you. But I’m moving away and you refuse to follow me. I reach for the same stars we watched that night, and it’s something we’ve failed to compromise on. So why get attached if I know this is only going to end? Why risk the heartbreak?

Maybe I was never fully in it to begin with. Neither of us were. I came close, but I was burned every time I flew too close to the sun in your eyes. You were surrounded by walls, and instead of trying to break them down, I threw my own up. And how can two people fall together if they refuse to let go of the ledge? Easy question, unfortunate answer: they can’t. They were doomed from the start.

But the fact of the matter is this: I hurt you first. Everything following was to prevent any more hurt on your end, and I can’t blame you for that. Nobody does self-preservation better than me, but sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one who can do it. And as unfair as it feels, I know I deserve it. I know I don’t deserve you and all of the good things you could bring me.

The problem with me is that I’ve never liked what’s good for me – I like the pain and the high from the bad things, the things that have all potential to kill me. But you, on the other hand, are wonderful. Special. Kind. You will find a girl who will drive hours just to touch your face in the middle of the night. Who finds the same things funny. Who gets as high as you on a bad day. Who will let you into her life and refuse to shut down. You deserve these things more than anyone else I know.

So I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t let you love me because I didn’t think I was worthy of it. I’m sorry I reeled you in and pushed you out the second I got too close. I’m sorry I’m not your manic pixie dream girl after all. I wanted to be everything you needed, so I pretended I could be. But you never saw me cry in the bathtub. You never held me when breathing became too hard. And I’m
sorry for that, too. I know you would have taken care of me in my worst moments. I’m sorry I was too scared to let you.

Just know that you still cross my mind, and it’s never unwelcomed. Whenever I think of you, I think of the night we looked at the stars out of your rear windshield and talked, just talked. Whenever I think of you, it’s purely with fondness. Always, always fondness. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I eat sushi like it’s a drug and ice cream for breakfast.

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