You all know it. We’ve all been dreading it. It’s Valentine’s Day and what is a single girl to do when all of her friends actually have to spend time with their significant others and you can’t be the third wheel for the fourth time this week? You could always go and see Fifty Shades of Grey, but alone to the movies? To a show where the FDA should probably insist on the lights being on for its entirety? No thanks, I’m not THAT desperate (yet). So instead, we’re just going to have to resort to our old ways. Here are the events that every single girl in the club, veteran or new member, will experience at least one of this coming V-day.
1. Wallow and Cry
Maybe you and your significant other recently broke up. Maybe the guy that you’ve been texting and sort of hooking up with for like 4 weekends now, and therefore is basically your boyfriend, hasn’t mentioned this sacred holiday at all- or worse, said it was overrated. Maybe you are doomed to be single forever and never loved by another human being who is not your grandmother or your cat. If any variation of these situations are applicable to you, wallowing and/or crying is definitely a V-day staple. What’s better than cuddling up to your stuffed sheep, the one man who will never let you down, with a Sam Smith playlist and maybe some Grey’s Anatomy (to mask the real reason for your tears to your roommate)?
If your heart has been ripped apart and the pieces are aimlessly floating around in your rib cage or maybe you’re convinced you weren’t born with a romantic soul, something needs to fill that empty space. Why not make it delicious? Now the natural go-to V-day depression snack is chocolate, however, any veteran single girl knows to wait until the 15th, when all the candies are 75% off. I personally suggest bagel bites, Domino’s cheesy bread, or Nutella (preferably straight out of the jar). No judgment if you choose all of the above.
3. Get Obnoxiously Drunk and Find a Random
The last part of this activity has personally never worked out for me. I’ve either woken up to see that my sad single girl goggles mixed with cheap vodka goggles are a lethal mix and result in a repeat of options 1 and 2 (only with a vicious hangover to top it off). However, if you are a tad classier (or richer) than me and spend more than 8 dollars for a handle, you might be able to master this one.
4. Get Obnoxiously Drunk and Call your Ex
Now, being sober I am going to strongly advise you against this one. I might suggest to change his contact to “Lying Cheating Fuck Boy” or maybe something a bit more subdued, but still direct, like “Do Not Call Under Any Circumstances Even If You are Dying”. However, I have tried both of these and something about seeing annoying Valentine’s Day Instagrams (or maybe that damn cheap vodka again) dissipates all rationale and reading ability and you make the call. Maybe you catch yourself and hang up right away, only to be blamed on a totally innocent butt dial the next morning. Or maybe you cry and sob into the receiver about how you are never going to feel the same way about anyone ever again and you miss them but then get violently angry because they are an idiot if they don’t see how pretty and smart and nice you are and how you deserved so much better, and blah blah blah just don’t do it, girl. Delete that number. Trust me.
5. Realize that Valentine’s Day is Actually a Really Stupid Holiday and You are A Single, Independent Woman Who Don’t Need No Man.
I honestly don’t know the history behind the holiday, but it can’t be that meaningful if we celebrate it with teddy bears and chocolate. I’m sorry but it can’t. Even when I was in a relationship, Valentine’s Day honestly just seemed so weird. If he didn’t get me a gift, he was a bad boyfriend. If he did, he was only doing it because it’s the social norm and thought he had to (and he assumed I would get vehemently jealous of all the other shit my best friend Sally got from her boyfriend John and they have only been dating half as long as us….which * cough * obviously I wouldn’t ….). Maybe it’s the just the common single girl rationalizing her seemingly permanent relationship status, or maybe I actually might be on to something, who fucking knows.
All I do know is that if you’re single there is a 100% chance that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re going to find someone someday who deserves your drunk phone calls and will pretend to enjoy watching nine consecutive hours of One Tree Hill with you (if you do, and he has a brother, hook me up). So eat up your cheesy bread and snuggle down with Netflix (or a random) and think about all the discounted chocolate you’re going to buy tomorrow and know that you are going to survive this stupid fucking holiday.