How To Successfully Tell A Rape Joke

Fiona Apple
Fiona Apple

Bros, I was gonna write a quick blog post on this whack-ass government but while I was doing research for it I stumbled across a post that reminded me that some of you numb-nuts out there still need to be reminded to wash your hands after you piss and that certain shit just isn’t funny. So here are my 3 Steps to Successfully Telling a Rape Joke.

Step 1: Fucking don’t. 

Do we need to go into this one? Just don’t fucking do it bro.

Step 2: If you’ve skipped step 1, fucking apologize… immediately.

I've known some straight shooters in my time who told some sketchy fuckin' jokes. Afterwards when everyone looked at them like they had just taken a dump on on the thanksgiving turkey, they apologized immediately and didn't do it again. There were a few other  who didn't apologize. That was when I realized that they weren't straight fuckin shooters.

Step 3: If you hear some over-testosterized jag telling a rape joke, explain steps one and two to him immediately.

Now this is where a number of us falter. We might be at work or at the gym and hear some straight up jacked shit just falling out of some boner’s mouth and think to ourselves “what an unenlightened fuck”. Then what do many of us do? Often, nothing.

But here’s the deal bros, do you really want the idea of a life-altering violent sexual assault that causes years, if not decades, of post-traumatic stress and trauma to be glibly laughed off because its “edgy” and “self-aware”? If your answer is anything short of no, you should probably take this test. 

Listen son, when you and I don’t squash this unenlightened bullshit, what we’re saying by default is “well shit, I’m ok with the forwarding of a culture that sees women as objects created for the sole purpose of fulfilling mens’ sexual pleasure, even forcibly, just as long as it either doesn’t affect me or is forwarded by someone funny and charming”. Now, I don’t know about you but that ain’t the kind of world I want to promote either directly or indirectly. So, let’s all start acting accordingly mutherfuckers.


Always do one more rep… always


Don’t tell fucking rape jokes–are we still having this conversation? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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