Stage 1: Excitement and determination
All it takes is one fitness Instagram picture or generic motivational quote to get you psyched about getting in shape. You’re gonna look hella good. Beyonce will be calling to ask how you got such a great donk; Channing Tatum will envy your six pack. Hey, Summer 2015, prepare to have your mind BLOWN.
So you put on my fancy yoga pants, brush the dust off those sneakers and hit the gym. LET’S GOOOO!
Stage 2: Regret
A full two minutes into the workout and you’re hit with the horrifying realization that you are not in shape. At all. Every exercise is difficult and you don’t know how to use the equipment and why is everyone staring?
Stage 3: Anger and jealousy
Everyone is hotter than you; they all know what they’re doing and look damn good doing it. Meanwhile, you just noticed there’s a grease stain on my fancy yoga pants, your socks are bundled in the bottom of your shoes and you hate everything.
Stage 4: Re-motivation
You leave the gym feeling a little defeated, but hey! At least you went! That was just day one. It’s not supposed to be easy. Tomorrow is a new day, bring it on!
Stage 5: Pain
Your whole body feels like it’s been used as a punching bag. Even walking is too much. You’ve definitely read somewhere that rest days are important, so you take one. Or two. It’s okay, because you’ll be careful with what you eat and you’ll be back at the gym in no time!
Stage 6: Hunger and temptation
You’re starving. Dying, in fact. It doesn’t matter how many carrots or apples or fat free yogurt you eat, nothing can satisfy this hunger. Everyone around you is eating delicious food all the time and it’s not fair. Someone asks how the new diet is going and it takes everything you’ve got not to strangle them with your bare hands.
Stage 7: Bargaining
One piece of pie won’t kill you. Besides, everyone else is having some and it would be weird if you didn’t eat some, too. You’ll go to the gym tomorrow and everything will be right as rain.
Stage 8: Defeat
That one piece of pie was not enough and you can’t take it anymore. You need all the carbs and you need them NOW. Five thousand calories never tasted so good.
Stage 9: IDGAF
Whatever forever, you don’t even care. You like the way you look even if you’re not in shape. What does that even mean, anyway? Confidence is everything!
Stage 10: Avoidance and acceptance
There’s always next year.