6 Things Everyone Who Has Ever Had A Major Injury Knows To Be True

Eliot Phillips
Eliot Phillips

Whether it’s a broken arm, a torn ACL, or a concussion, injures are a real pain (pun intended). Here are some fun things all injured people have learned to embrace. (Get it? Em-BRACE. Okay I’m done.)

1. Take out food and deliveries mean everything to you. You can’t be bothered with cooking because you have to stand on one leg, or use one arm, or your brain hurts from that 3rd concussion and thinking about food in a critical way might make your brain swell. Pizza, sub sandwiches, cheeseburgers, pizza from a different pizza place (because you don’t want to be that person), it doesn’t matter. Give me all of it.

2. Crutches are the worst. If you use them correctly, your palms ache constantly. If you use them incorrectly, you feel like your arm is slowly being dislocated from your shoulders. And if you set them against something, ANYTHING, it’s only a matter of time before they come loudly crash to the ground for no reason. Seriously, why haven’t they invented kickstands for this? I don’t have time for you, crutches.

3. Anything that’s within immediate reach is an appropriate item to shove into your cast. When there’s an itch in your cast, no one thinks about about how you’re not supposed to shove things in there because it might get stuck and blah blah blah. That itch is the most intense mother effer in the history of itches. In fact, this itch could go pro if that was a thing. So yeah, I need the pencil, toothbrush, or shards of glass attached to a stick because I’M GOING TO DIE IF I DON’T SCRATCH IT.

4. Being a burden to others is, in and of itself, a burden. When you’re injured, you have to suck it up and ask for help because otherwise you can’t live your life. But that doesn’t mean it’s fun. I don’t enjoy asking you to open this jar of Nutella for the 17th time, but I literally can’t do it myself and it’s really all I need right now. Trust me, I feel super useless and really bad about not being able to do everything myself like a normal human. And I know I’ve said it a million times but THANK YOU.

5. Boredom has never been so real. If you’re recovering from surgery or can’t walk normally, lounging around the house is fun for about two days. You can only watch so much Netlflix, play so many games or read so many books before you go full-on stir crazy. People will tell you that it’s so nice that you get to relax all day. Little do they know that all you want in the world is to be able to walk to the mailbox without assistance, or go grocery shopping, or take a yoga class you would never otherwise take. But no, not for you. Doctor’s orders.

6. Showering is overrated. I love duct taping a garbage bag over my injured appendage before I bathe, said no one ever. Not only is this annoying, but it also doesn’t matter how carefully you tape. Water is going to find its way into that bad boy and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Then you’re left wondering if your stitches are going to magically dissolve from the moisture. Or you get to play stupid when people walk into the same room as you and wonder what died. No worries, that God-awful smell is just your wet, dirty cast. I think I’ll shower never, thank you very much. TC mark

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