How To Trick People Into Thinking You Aren’t Lonely

kaypfob
kaypfob

Dive deep into your work. Whatever it is you’re doing, become a master of it. Don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t think unless it is involving the work you are doing. Seclude yourself, even at the office, from anything and anyone else. And when someone notices how passionate you are about your work, (probably a tall, handsome senior partner, who is planning to compliment you, hoping it’ll lead to coffee, or dinner), shrug it off, as if you’re unimpressed that he isn’t as passionate as you are.

Don’t sleep late. Wake up early, and go for a run, or to yoga because you like the way exercising makes you feel. Do new workouts, using weights and machines, instead of the classic circuits you used to do as a couple. And when you arrive back to your apartment before noon realizing you have the whole day ahead of you, make plans to read, or write, or cook or clean. Then end up taking a nap, or lying around on the couch watching TV shows you aren’t invested in.

Invite others over to your apartment, specifically other single women, and talk up all the fun you’re going to have being single together. Create fancy cocktails using recipes you find on Pinterest, and show them around your Bachelorette pad so that they think you are super excited about living alone. Be sure to point out the motivational quotes you’ll have hanging around the mirror in your bedroom because you saw it done in a Reese Witherspoon movie once, but plan to tell them when they ask that each quote is directly inspired by a difficult challenge you overcame in the past.

Go out on the weekends. Go to bars that play live music, and dance wildly so your hair flows around you, and you draw attention to yourself. Take tequila shots with strangers and toast to “being single” and “wild, and free.” Dance some more, and sing all the words to that Hootie and The Blowfish song. Although, you’ll probably be thinking about him every time you shout, “only wanna be with youuuuu.”

Go out on the weekdays. Call one of your new single friends after work because you’ll already be itching to feel as if you really are “wild and free” again. Go to a bar that has drink specials and trivia night. Team up with a couple attractive men who work in sales and are still wearing their ties loosely around their necks. Be awesome at trivia, and get all the answers right (because you watch too much Jeopardy) then laugh cutely when the teammates nickname you their “lucky charm” When the one you’ll have flirted with all night asks you to meet them again next week to play again, take his card and say yes, but never call and never go back.

Take a trip you can’t really afford to somewhere like New York City or Miami. Say you’re going to visit a close friend from college, but know you’ll be thinking of the last time you visited this city with your former lover. Spend time by yourself exploring around the different local shops, buying trendy bracelets and thrifty dresses. When you Tweet about it, make it seem like you are adventurous, and independent. When you return to the privacy of your home, check your bank account and try not to become panicky until you get paid again the next week.

Pick up something new that makes sense for someone your age, like a vegan diet, or an interest in craft beer. Go buck wild on the habits that go along with your new lifestyle for a while, then let it simmer, and treat it casually. Act as if it’s been a part of you your entire life. Butt into private conversations that involve weight loss and pretend to be an expert. When out to dinner with co-workers, mull over the menu with dissatisfaction at the beer choices, and ask if they have anything seasonal on tap. When the server brings you a sample of a dark, chocolate-oatmeal porter, make a joke about how you used to date a guy who only drank Coors Light and what a shame you consider that to be. Taste the chocolaty sample, and be reminded instantly of how much you like Coors Light.

Take more trips. Some just as fiscally unrealistic, like to Washington D.C. or San Francisco, others just to pass the weekend in a smaller, Midwestern cities, like Chicago, or Cleveland. Go to visit friends, but go more so because you need to get away. Spend a lot of time in hole-in-the-wall bars, and realize, even sober and surrounded by strangers, you are most comfortable in bars.

Back home, try the bar idea by yourself. Go on a day that a big playoff game is happening, and ignore how crowded it will be. Squeeze through the crowd enough to wave down the bartender. Ask him to start you a tab, and drink your beer as you high five strangers throughout the end of the game. As the crowd thins out, squeeze your way to a seat at the bar so that you can order food, and flirt with the bartender. When he asks if you’re by yourself, answer confidently, and say you like the solitude. Pretend not to blush when he asks you to stay and keep him company while he’s working. Order another beer and tell him you’ll stay, but pretend you are only staying because you are comfortable in bars. TC mark

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