I think it was more than just a nagging feeling. In a way, it was more of an acceptance. I think I always knew that when you walked back into my life, you weren’t here to stay. That one day, you’d just up and leave. Because that’s just what you do. That’s just who you are.
I know it may seem pathetic for me to say this now – me knowing how exactly it would turn out, me not only forgiving you for trampling on my heart but also allowing you to do it again.
It’s just that there was a part of me that hoped that maybe – just maybe, this time, you’d prove me wrong.
Everything seemed perfect. You were all apologetic for having hurt me in the past. You were making all these extraordinary efforts to make things right. You seemed so sincere. But were you, really? Or was I just seeing what I wanted to see?
But one day, you just left. Just as abruptly as you had the first time. No goodbyes. No explanation.
It took me a while to process things. I was in a state of denial. I was coming up with excuses – we were both too busy with everything that’s going on with our lives, we were dealing with just too much, etc.
It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that you had left me broken once and walked back into my life only to do it once again. That you just had to leave me to sink to the bottom just when I had broken through the surface.
It took me a while to forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me again.
It took me a while. But here I am.
Here I am, ready to tell you the goodbye that I should have said so long ago. Here I am, finally letting you go with a list of the things that you no longer have to do.
You no longer have to call me to tell me about your day.
I used to feel so lucky that I was that person – the one who got to know how your day went, or the one who got to laugh with you over something silly that happened at work, or to be the one tell you that it’s going to be okay when you had a rough day.
And when you left, I felt broken. It broke my heart that I was no longer your person.
But you no longer have to call me to tell me about your day.
Because honestly, I no longer wonder.
You no longer have to promise me forever.
It used to be one of my favorite things to do: talking about our dreams. I was over the moon when you first shared that I was included in your plans.
To me, those were promises of forever.
And those promises gave me something to look forward to.
But you no longer have to promise me forever.
Because, why would you have to, when we don’t even have today?
You no longer have to walk me at night.
This was our thing. Oh, how we loved long walks at night. Those were the nights that got me through difficult days – of us walking at night, laughing, sharing childhood memories, or just arguing which movies are great.
For quite some time, it hurt seeing those stars at night. It used to hurt walking alone, catching a glimpse of the starry sky, and realize that you weren’t by my side.
But you no longer have to walk me at night.
Because I am fine walking alone. Because now, I could look at the stars and not feel the pang of missing you.
You no longer have to say goodbye.
I used to have this idea that you owed me closure. That I needed some sort of final gesture to end this chapter.
I used to believe that had you only given me closure sooner, I would have gotten better sooner.
But one of the biggest lies in the world is that you’re always given closure.
Because even the most beautiful things could end without an explanation. That’s just how it is.
To this day, I don’t know what happened. And perhaps I would never understand what went wrong. But I’ve learned not to dwell on that matter too much. Because the thing is, I’ve come to understand that the reason that I had not moved on was not due to lack of closure; it was the waiting for one.
So I’m no longer waiting to run into you and have an epic coffee shop closure where we walk down memory lane, dissect what had gone wrong, apologize, and say our goodbyes.
You no longer have to give me closure.
Because I’m no longer waiting for one.
You no longer have to apologize.
This was the most difficult thing for me to include on this list. Because there was a time when all I wanted to hear was an apology – because I had realized that the reason why you couldn’t stay was that you simply didn’t choose to. Because damn all the other circumstances that you were in. If you wanted to, you would have found a way to.
But you didn’t.
You no longer have to apologize because I have accepted the fact that it just wasn’t meant to be.
I hope that one day, you’re going to find someone so special that you would want to choose to stay no matter what. And I would be lying if I say that it wouldn’t affect me at all. Because it probably would. It would probably make me wonder why you could choose to stay with that person but not with me. But that would be nothing but a fleeting emotion. Because I’ve gotten to a point where I know for sure that I would be happy for you no matter what.
You no longer have to apologize because I’ve forgiven you for the hurt that you have caused me. And I wish that in turn, you’d forgive me if I had caused you pain too, and for holding on to you when I should have just let go.
You no longer have to apologize because even after everything, I am immensely grateful.
Because even the saddest stories could be the most beautiful.
And ours, despite having ended in a heartbreaking denouement, had its incredibly beautiful moments.