Sometimes, when I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, I swear I could remember how your voice sounded – your laugh, you telling me about your fears and dreams, you promising me forever, and you saying goodbye.
The memories we shared are still quite vivid in my head. But reliving them feels like watching an old film – the colors are no longer quite right and the sound is muted off. And there are times when I feel like I’ve forgotten some important parts.
The first time I realized that I was forgetting, it hurt. It hurt that my memory was failing to keep our moments alive. It hurt because it felt like I was the only one who remembered in the first place yet I was finally forgetting.
But somehow, it was also freeing. It felt like I was finally being released from being rooted on the spot. It felt like I was finally moving on.
There used to be a time when you were all I could think of. I would hear a song on the radio and my thoughts would automatically drift to you. I would pass by our favorite spot and I would need to stop myself from thinking back to the moments we spent just sitting there and talking.
It’s like you were everywhere but actually nowhere. It was just that you were everything to me. And you leaving didn’t change that.
But I guess they were right. Time does heal – even hearts that seemed to have been broken beyond repair.
I couldn’t still say that I have moved on – that seems to be a little too optimistic. I won’t say that I’m forgetting you completely – that would just be preposterous to even consider.
But perhaps, I’m learning to let go. Slowly, I’m learning to let go.
I’m learning to accept that our story has ended before it could even unfold. I’m learning to accept that our paths were only meant to cross once and never again. I’m learning to accept that we just are not meant to be.
There are still times when I wake up and wish that I could watch another sunrise with you. There are still bad days when I wish I could call you. There are still times when I wish I could hug you just one more time.
And albeit those times are excruciating, nothing beats the pain I still feel when I walk at night and remember you.
Those are the nights when I walk home and remember that you used to walk me home every night. We would talk about our childhood, our dreams for the future, our regrets, and even the things we thought we could never talk about.
Those nights are the hardest. Those nights are what used to make me feel like I would never really be able to let go.
But it’s different now. I understand now that it takes time to heal and that one day I’ll get there.
I know that there will come a day when you will just be someone I used to love. I know that there will come a day when I could really say that I’ve moved on. I know that one day I will look back and realize that I have been completely healed.
But for now, I am writing this with a heart that still longs for you. For now, I would still look at my phone and hope that you’d call. For now, I’d still wish that you’re here with me.
For now, I’ll still walk at night and still think of you.
Because the stars still remind me of you.