I wonder if you’re up, waiting to be the first one to wish her a Happy Birthday.
I wonder if you ever stop her( when the two of you are walking down the street, or eating, or reading the paper, or doing any of those mundane things people do) just to tell her how pretty she is. How pretty she is to you.
Do you sing to her that song you love, late at night over the phone? Do you still take lullaby requests?
Have you woken up lately and felt life has never been so bright, so colourful, so good, so absolutely worth embracing – simply because today was the day you’d see her again.
When she’s making you breakfast, do you have to remind her that you like them sunny side up with no salt or pepper? Or is this one of those random preferences she shares with you?
Out late at night- at that bar the two of you discovered and now deem yours- has time lost all meaning in a haze of alcohol and second-hand smoke? Is your hand on the small of her back, guiding her wobbly steps?
Do you set the alarm early just so you can take the train uptown and travel all the way back with her- because that half hour before school or work that you spend together is worth every minute of your time?
Does she move you to write, to sing, to compose?
When you’re on stage performing, do your eyes search the crowd for her? Is she standing where she said she would be, so you could spot her easily? Once you see her, is she all you can see?
Is she moved to write, because of you? Are you encouraging and supportive, but not patronising? Does she trust your opinion of her work because she knows it’s absolutely honest?
I wonder if she knows how all you ever wanted was to impress your father, how his struggle with alcoholism shaped who you are, how you always felt undermined by your brothers.
I wonder if you know her deepest secrets and fears.
Have the two of you created your own little world yet, where everything has a secret significance, where an entire conversation transpires through looks, a world no one else is privy to, an impenetrable fortress of shared experiences?
Have you made grand plans, envisioned a lifetime of happiness together?
Does she believe you when you say you never loved any one person more than you love her? Have you made her cry because you think she looks absolutely beautiful with tears streaming down her face?
Would you get offended if she borrowed money from a friend instead of you? Would you feel emasculated, like you weren’t able to take care of her and would you give her hell for it?
When you lose the gift she gave you on your first anniversary, would you pretend to be out late looking for it, when really, you’ll just be smoking pot at a friend’s place?
Would you recognise the moment she starts slipping away…When drugs become the bane of your existence, when you can’t think of anything else but getting your next fix?
Do you turn a deaf ear to her pleas because she, like everyone else, just doesn’t ‘get you’ anymore.
Has she turned into a constant annoyance, pressuring you to get sober, when all you want to do is hang out with those guys you met at a youth hostel and try acid again?
The next time you see her, a month after you last met, would it break your heart to know you barely know each other anymore? Or will you say the things you know will destroy her?
After all, she looks beautiful when she cries.