Ted Pillow

Become employed as the “Before” model in “Before and After” plastic surgery ads.

Do not drink alone if you are within a 5-mile radius of a McDonald’s, Domino’s, White Castle, or KFC.

First of all, though the Friedmans are seemingly just a mild-mannered Long Island family, they’re actually really freaking strange (potential pedophilia aside).

Famous only children include: FDR, Frank Sinatra, Lance Armstrong, and Elvis. Oh yeah, and some dude you may have heard of, goes by the name Jesus. You might remember him as the guy who invented magic tricks and being nice to other people, though. So yeah, there have been some pretty rad only children.

If it’s BYOB, bring your own beer. If it’s a toga party, wear a toga. If it’s a search party, bring a flash light and tempered expectations.

After all, that’s what’s oddly inspiring about Fred Durst’s lyrics — you could have written them, but you didn’t. It’s like patting yourself on the back for not crapping your pants.

Instead of only recognizing the awards, scholarships, and honors bestowed upon graduates by professors, let’s include some student-voted awards, like “Most Undistinguished Track Record of Questionable Hookups” and “Outstanding Achievement in the field of Day Drinking.”

You have absolutely no school spirit. You’re pretty sure your school’s colors are a light color and a dark color, but you can remember which ones. You also think your school’s mascot is a half-man, half-goat with black eyes that tells you to burn things, but, then again, you haven’t slept for days because you have five finals next week. Maybe you should go take a nap or something.