Smorgasburg, Brooklyn’s beloved outdoor food market, begins this year’s season on Saturday, April 4th. Here at the most exciting additions to this year’s line-up of delicious vendors.
The brainchild of cuisine entrepreneur Scatman Crothers, DcMondalds is NYC’s hottest new burger joint, featuring burgers grilled in the shapes of emojis. But DcMondalds isn’t just burgers: it also serves a classic BLT*, and it’s the one-and-only home of the Coors Light salad. Deviled Egg Power Hours begin every hour, on the hour.
* bird licorice tobacco
2. Jackie Chan Outtakes
This hot new Asian-fusion eatery earned its name when patrons described its menu, much like the outtakes included at the end of every Jackie Chan film, as “the painful mistake of well-intentioned people.” Outtakes will serve their staple dishes, like Sriracha-on-a-stick, Paxil dumplings, Paul Reiser egg rolls, and their unique spin on fortune cookies – a stale Hydrox cookie stuffed with a cruel insult tailored to your physical appearance.
3. You’re F#&king Next, Brownsville!!
You’re F#&king Next, Brownsville!! is one of the most exciting new players on Brooklyn’s gentrification-via-restaurant scene. Offering a menu full of items that would sound horrible if they were fairly priced, but which you can kind of talk yourself into because they’re so expensive that you assume they must be good, including: A.B.C. gum, malt liquor served in a hat previously worn by Pharrell, playing cards of the 1997 Toronto Maple Leafs drenched in maple syrup, and pork belly that somebody spilled Sprite on. All your food has a Popsicle stick joke written directly on it in magic marker by Chef Neckbeard and every order comes with a complimentary dose of gluten-free Molly.
4. Superfund Site No. 827
The first NYC restaurant to get an “F minus” on their health inspection, Superfund Site No. 827 offers a variety of dishes banned by the FDA and rumored to cause health complications ranging from gigantism to buckteeth: Gowanus Canal oysters, the cremated remains of a pig, hot dogs made from jackals imported from Chernobyl, or their one-of-a-kind dolphin nuggets. Highest recommendation to avoid. And for the love of God, please, please DO NOT order the butt chowder.
5. Chef Boyardizzle
The famed East Village experimental Italian eatery comes to Smorgasburg, offering their trademark items: deep-dish Communion wafers; meatballs injected with gravy, ranch, and vintage Hi-C Ecto Cooler; and Rasta pasta (pasta that’s been strained through a Jamaican’s dreads and topped with blunt ashes).
6. ToeJam and Earl’s 16-Bit Bistro
The product of an extended acid binge that originated in 1992 and has somehow continued to the present day, this location-less bad idea has won countless awards despite existing solely in the mind of a former Pratt freshman who now runs a bed bug removal service that has a negative rating on Yelp. Rumored to serve items ranging from Herbal Essence tea to imaginary donuts to the Mr. Feeny panini (a thick slab of mustache trimmings and latent homosexual longings served between two pieces of ciabatta).
7. If It Ain’t Broke
A trendsetting LES favorite, If It Ain’t Broke’s trademark is to take a perfectly good dish and then ruin it by putting some dumb, asinine shit on it. Examples include sirloin steak crusted with pistachio shells, deep-fried chicken served with a thick layer of Fiber One, and eggs*.
*Eggs are served uncooked, in the shell (the shell is also served inside a live chicken)
8. Edible Build-A-Bear
Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Lots of sad kids who didn’t fully understand what they were getting themselves into at this one.
9. Burrito Burrito Tito Tuxedo
Smorgasburg’s newest Mexican-inspired vendor, Burrito Burrito Tito Tuxedo offers a variety of regional burritos: Sacramento-style burritos (filled with Tums and house paint), El Paso-style burritos (filled with paranoid whispers and the anecdote to rattlesnake venom), and Milwaukee-style burritos (just a cheeseburger). You also have the option of ordering marked-up Taco Bell.
Scavengers, an exciting new Brooklyn-based vendor where everything is made with literal elbow grease, took the idea of “food truck” and replaced the truck with a dumpster and the food with garbage. It offers everything from expired Lunchables to reverse-engineered Slim Jims and packets of ramen noodles that somebody had in their pocket during an MRI. Chef Wet Eddie is also credited with inventing Scavengers’ trademark beer-battered beer. For your convenience, your receipt has been cooked into your order.