How To Get Laid In 27 Easy Steps

image - Flickr / strange little woman on stream
image – Flickr / strange little woman on stream
  1. First things first, make sure you are emotionally prepared for sex. After all, sex is a meaningful and joyous act between two consenting adults, and it often involves putting the penis right into the vagina.
  2. Sometimes, when two people love each other very, very much, the penis may be inserted into the vagina as many as four or five times in a row.
  3. One of the most surefire ways to get laid is getting married, but that is an arduous and time-consuming process often resulting in decades of nearly unbearable emotional imprisonment. So it’s a roll of the die.
  4. Picture the person with whom you’d most like to have greasy, greasy coitus. Is it that square-jawed hunk who sits two rows in front of you in Econ 101? Or perhaps the alluring blonde that works in HR? I bet! Well, you will never, ever have sex with this person. I don’t even know why I asked you to picture them. It’s ridiculous. They would never bone you. LOL wow, totally never gonna happen.
  5. Anyways, what would actually be helpful is to picture the person you’d least like to have sex with but with whom you would still reluctantly agree to sex. Honestly, even he/she is probably going to be a stretch.
  6. Oh and before I forget, penises can also go into butts, mouths, between shoulder blades, etc. Don’t want to be exclusionary, folks. Two vaginas may also rub together.
  7. Two penises can go inside of a Chinese finger trap, but if one of the penises tries to get away, it will only further entrap both penises.
  8. If you’re thinking about meeting someone, you should try a dating website. Some great sites I’ve used to meet women are Craigslist, Backpage, and Ask Jeeves. There’re plenty of eager potential mates on these useful sites.
  9. These sites use a modern dating lingo that may seem perplexing at first. I’ve been able to crack many of the codes merely through trial and error: SGL means Single, NBM means Never Been Married, and a BBW is a Big Beautiful Woman. I still haven’t figured out what STD stands for, but whatever it is, I do NOT like it.
  10. Of course, even today, you can still meet desirable people in your daily life – in class, at work, or even on line at the parole office. Strike up a conversation by commenting on the weather, or asking them where they got that lovely hat. But if the person is not wearing a hat, silently curse your own stupidity and get the hell out of there – you’ve already blown it.
  11. Better yet, meet someone out socially. If you’re like me, every time you go out to the bar or a party, you do so with the distant hope of meeting someone special. This is a sign of romantic optimism – a very desirable trait – as well as the reason why your life is miserable. Thankfully, the sweet, sweet booze will comfort you.
  12. Even better, that sweet, sweet booze can also help lower your inhibitions and turn you into a more social and engaging person. Then again, as you know all too well, it also has the power to turn in you into a staggering, uncontrollable maniac. Either way.
  13. That’s because one of the most important pieces of advice I could ever give you is to never, ever, under any circumstances, be yourself. No one has ever gotten laid being him or herself. Even Adam was all like, “Oh wow Eve, The Notebook is totally my favorite movie, too!!!”
  14. Some people like playing “hard to get.” This is a strategy in which you almost ignore the person you’re attracted to and avoid giving any obvious indicators of your feelings towards them. I’m not really a big fan of playing hard to get, but nearly every woman I meet seems to be an expert at it.
  15. Another option is to go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and use a constant stream of flattery. It can’t hurt to say, “You know, you look amazing tonight,” or even to just get down on all fours and start alternately howling at the moon and yelping, “DAT ASS!”
  16. Guys are always obsessing over getting a girl’s phone number, scheming up original or nonchalant pickup lines to get those seven measly digits. What a waste of time! That makes about as much sense as breaking into a safe by convincing its owner to share the combination. The truth is, literally any iteration of seven digits you make up could potentially be the phone number of some hot dude or babe. Just start experimenting with different combinations until you find someone with a hot voice –and that’s when you use your original/nonchalant pickup line. The best part is, they don’t know what you look like yet!
  17. Once you get the phone number, it’s time to start sexting. The first step of sexting is to Google what “sexting” means. Hold on a sec.
  18. A “sext” is a sex text, which, come to think of it, makes a lot of sense. More specifically, a sex text is when you send that special someone a steamy message bound to arouse them. Subtlety is the key here, so go with something classy like, “Hey Beverly, how’s it going? I just finished sanding some plywood and now I’m butt-ass fucking naked and sweating like a wild boar. What’s good with you? Have you ever seen The Chronicles of Riddick?
  19. If you don’t get an answer after a couple of months, it’s possible that either Beverly never got the text, got offended, or died. Play it cool and respond, “Hey Beverly, never heard back from you…I hope you didn’t think I was being crude – the thing about sanding plywood wasn’t some gross metaphor. It was for my Uncle Mike’s coffin. He died the only way he knew how to live – in a horrible, horrible parasailing accident. Text me whenever!”
  20. Once you’ve gotten the attention of a potential coital sparring partner, it’s time to invite them over for a round of sex. You’re going to want to get them “in the mood” for the insemination procedure, so make sure to straighten up the place a little bit. Light some candles, bring out a fine bottle of Chardonnay, and cue up your VHS copy of The Chronicles of Riddick. It’s time for sex.
  21. Start preparing your genitals for display/use: washing, trimming, waxing, tanning, primping, decorating, stretching, condensing, bludgeoning, draining, repairing, consoling, folding, unfolding, reassembling, coaching, lecturing, critiquing, berating, cajoling, begging, beseeching, imploring, encouraging, reaffirming, motivating.
  22. Make sure that you’re very clear upfront about the kind of sex you’re looking to have: “Should we have the kind of sex that makes babies, or the kind of sex that doesn’t make babies? What’s the difference, anyways? Do you love me? Am I going to go to hell for having sex with you? Are you an instrument of Satan, vile temptress?” And so on, and so forth.
  23. Some partners may enjoy kissing before sex. This is known as “foreplay,” which is French for “an embarrassing time to ejaculate.”
  24. If you’ve never had sex before, I hope your expectations haven’t been ruined by the lurid and preposterous world of pornography. Real sex is nothing like porn – it rarely happens poolside and there’s usually at least one accidental head butt. Real sex is more like that scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls when Jim Carrey squeezes out of the fake rhinoceros ass.
  25. One of the benefits of getting laid is having an orgasm. You’ll know you’ve had an orgasm when you notice that your partner is no longer having sex with you anymore.
  26. Once everyone’s done crying, it’s time to snuggle. Snuggling after some quality fornicating is like eating a delightfully sweet dessert after a rich and satisfying meal. Well, it’s kind of like that. The main difference being that you typically wouldn’t eat a nice dessert while still coated in the sticky, pungent remnants of sweat and semen. But other than that, very similar.
  27. Oh and also, prostitutes. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Ted Pillow

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