(1) Pledge that this will be the best summer of your life. This time, you’ll take chances, meet new people, and make good on all the plans you’ve regretfully fallen through on in past summers.
(2) Start by finally making good on your goal of getting to the beach at every opportunity – time to relax, lie out, and catch some rays.
(3) Ever notice how any time you get sunburned, it’s literally the only thing anyone you run into can talk about? And how they always act like they’re pointing out something you haven’t noticed, like, “Wow, uh, did you get some sun?” or, “Hey, your skin looks really burnt and awful! Also, everyone at the office has been a little worried about you lately…are you doing okay?” LOL!
(4) Sign up for volunteer work. Nothing is more satisfying than giving back to those in need.
(5) Take a trip to the museum with a close friend who appreciates intellectual endeavors and the beauty of true art. Or just go by yourself – whatever! Being by yourself can be, like, totally cool sometimes. Sometimes you need to be by yourself for years and years and years and years.
(6) Start taking a bath – every morning. There’s no more relaxing way to begin your day than with a nice, warm bath. Bring in your morning coffee and that book you’ve been meaning to read all year.
(7) Exercise – running, swimming, cycling, yoga. Try it all. This summer you’ll improve your body and mind. You’ve let yourself go a little bit ever since “the breakup” (ugh!), but it’s time to get your beach body back.
(8) But don’t be afraid to have fun, either: crack open that midday beer if you’re in the mood. Work hard, play hard.
(9) Speaking of day drinking, get some buddies and go fishing. Listen to the water lapping against the boat while you wait for a tug on your line. You might not catch anything, but that doesn’t matter. Fishing is all about tranquility and relaxation.
(10) It would’ve been nice to catch something, though. Also you drank way too much and got a fishhook caught in the webbing between your thumb and forefinger. Still fun, though, I guess.
(11) Take up gardening!
(12) Give up gardening! It’s stupid!
(13) Host a board game night or a dinner party. Invite all of your close friends and that special someone you’ve had your eye on.
(14) Who doesn’t show up, of course, even though he/she said he/she would. Whatever. Get drunk and ruin the JENGA tower. Scream “JJJJJENGA!” in your friend Mark’s girlfriend’s face, then lock yourself in the bathroom till everyone leaves.
(15) Fall asleep at the beach again. Get hospitalized for second degree burns.
(16) Like, as if you hadn’t noticed that you have literally cooked your own flesh? I get it, Steve from Accounting, I fucking get it. I have sunburn. It’s actually extremely painful.
(17) Get a tattoo!
(18) Regret your tattoo!
(19) Take up scrapbooking. It’s something you always wanted to try, and now you’ve finally got the time. Geeze, there sure are a lot of pictures of you and “You Know Who” though…
(20) Along with your book, start taking a rum and coke into your morning bath.
(21) Go to an outdoor concert! Try Molly!
(22) Get rained on at an outdoor concert! Overdose on Molly!
(23) Spend a hazy, bedridden week suffering from an unceasing torrent of nightmares in which you are forced to read your summer bucket list to God, who you can clearly tell is not really listening because he’s busy texting and just every once in a while absent-mindedly nodding his head and going, “mmm…uh huh.”
(24) Get the sinking feeling that this summer, like all the ones that preceded it, will not be what you hoped.
(25) Refuse to give up – life is a series of never ending fun events and exciting experiences that must be checked off. One must constantly live life to the fullest, mustn’t one.
(26) Therefore, go out dancing with friends. Immediately remember that you are terrified of being publicly rhythmic and haven’t danced with anybody since “You Know Who.” Foolishly attempt to temper these anxieties with alcohol. Scream “IT’S GETTING HOT IN HURR!” in Mark’s girlfriend’s face and fall backwards through a fire exit.
(27) Possibly suffering concussion symptoms, abruptly leave work the following day after discretely vomiting in the elevator, in front of the reception desk, all along the southern corridor leading to the restrooms, inside of the restroom, all along the western corridor that leads to your office, inside of your office, all along the northern corridor that leads to the vending machines, inside of the vending machines, all along the eastern corridor heading back to reception, on the receptionist, down the elevator, and in a trail all the way to the parking spot in which it has become an office-wide recurring joke that you always park.
(28) Play it real cool the next day – “Gee, it doesn’t smell so great over here by reception…did somebody get sick or something?” The receptionist doesn’t suspect a thing – she can barely even make eye contact with you. Boom shakalaka!
(29) Order new business cards!
(30) Lose your job!
(31) Slash your boss’s tires. “I’m afraid your drinking is getting in the way of your job,” he says. Huh! Well, dickhead, maybe this job is getting in the way of my drinking!
(32) Speaking of which, how many midday beers have you had today, anyway? And what day is it, technically speaking? And whose hair is this?
(33) To your dismay, realize that you’ve reread the same chapter of your “bath book” for at least five days in a row without noticing. Everything is starting to blend together. Also, oddly enough, it appears that you have turned up as a minor character within the book. Which is deeply, deeply unsettling.
(34) Finally track down your long-lost childhood friend, Scottie Mendleheim!
(35) Discover that your long-lost childhood friend Scottie Mendleheim is dead!
(36) Give up brining the book into the morning bath. Stick with the rum and coke. Read the backs of shampoo bottles.
(37) Masturbate to your high school yearbook. Cry.
(38) Do a puzzle!
(39) Huff stuff.
(40) Cast a spell on an unsuspecting priest.
(41) Walk around Home Depot, grunting and gesticulating wildly. Get asked to leave, but not before you eat a few handfuls of pink cotton candy you serendipitously found in the insulation aisle.
(42) While loitering the Home Depot parking lot, searching for clues, run across Steve from Accounting. “Hey, looks like somebody got some sun!” he remarks, a broad grin stretching endlessly across his moronic faceplate. Throw a bag of scissors at him and slither away.
(43) Whose hair is this? Whose hair is this????
(44) Try kale!
(45) Inexplicably awaken in the tub with no memory of getting out of bed. Discover that you’ve been actually been reading the back of the rum bottle and drinking the shampoo.
(46) It’s coconut shampoo though, and good – shockingly good – so just mix it with the rum to make piña coladas.
(47) Adopt a feral cat!
(48) Eat a feral cat!
(49) Get evicted from your apartment for holding a surprisingly well-attended cockfight.
(50) Become an Urban Scarecrow, whatever that entails.
(51) Eat the insides of a clock. Attend a Labor Day barbeque covered in blood.
(52) Take up origami!