101 Things I Will Teach My Sons

Luis Hernandez
Luis Hernandez

(1) How to change a tire and strategically ignore all other imperative automotive issues.

(2) If you and another guy start audibly peeing in a urinal at the same time, whoever finishes first is less of a man.

(3) Reading is more important than working out.

(4) Then again, I’ve never been walking on the beach and overheard a woman tell her friend, “What I wouldn’t give to see him unpack a hegemonic text…”  

(5) Pro wrestling is real.

(6) Okay, not 100% real, but one time I saw Kane set a guy on fire.

(7) Women admire persistence, but not “Restraining Order” persistence.

(8) Pick your sports teams and stick with them no matter what.

(9) If you ever go to jail, make me your one phone call. That way you’ll owe me one.

(10) Sure Beavis is great, but Butthead is the greatest comedic straight man of all time.

(11) No one’s really sure what Slim Jims are made from, but never order one from a restaurant on a first date.

(12) Raphael is the best Ninja Turtle.

(13) Don’t get a tattoo unless you can pull it off.

(14) More than two shakes and you’re playing with it.

(15) In their primes, Chuck Norris would’ve defeated Jean-Claude Van Damme in a fight.

(16) However, Van Damme has always been the finer thespian.

(17) Silk boxers make you feel like a boss, but they get ripped in the washing machine.

(18) Cars aren’t important. Look at me – I drive a 1993 Camry, and apparently I had sex with a woman once.

(19) If you think someone might be flirting with you, they’re definitely flirting with you.

(20) Homophobia is not only morally despicable, it’s the social equivalent to admitting you practice witchcraft.

(21) Drinking alone is generally frowned upon. If you find a way to avoid it, I’d love to hear about it.

(22) You will do things when you’re drunk that you’ll regret. Again, I’d appreciate any advice you have on handling this topic.

(23) The best video games can be learned in 5 minutes and enjoyed for the next 700 hours.

(24) And Luigi and Yoshi are the most versatile Mario Kart 64 racers.

(25) Ernest Hemingway was a hell of a man, but so was David Foster Wallace. You don’t have to hunt elephants to be a man – you have to face life, with unblinking perseverance.

(26) I mean, that didn’t end well for them, but still.

(27) Stay away from fads.

(28) Here’s a photo of me wearing JNCOs to really hammer that point home.

(29) The only good concerts are the ones where your life is in danger.

(30) Go easy on your substitute teachers – you’ll regret making their life a living hell when you’re older.

(31) There’s nothing wrong about a man with a cat.

(32) Need advice for losing your virginity? Ask a pregnant woman. Duh.

(33) Street Sharks were the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rip-off, but Battletoads are right up there.

(34) There’s a lot of crazy porn on the internet; try not to let it poison your brain.

(35) He who smelt it, dealt it. Unless someone smells it, and then another guy eagerly chimes in with, “He who smelt it dealt it!” Then that guy is the one who one dealt it.

(36) Chicks dig scars, but feel free to embellish (i.e., “Harley Davidson” and not “Razor scooter”).

(37) Good storytellers rarely concern themselves with the facts.

(38) Malt liquor saves time.

(39) A warm bath is the only civilized way to begin your Sunday.

(40) Kubrick is important.

(41) Solos are fun, but riffs are essential.

(42) Get your ass kicked at least once.

(43) When pizza’s on a bagel, you can legally eat pizza at any time.

(44) Experiment with your facial hair.

(45) Except the neckbeard.

(46) And the soul patch.

(47) If a girl texts you “Hey,” she’s just a friend. If she texts you “Heyy,” she probably likes you. If she texts you “Heyyy,” she’s gonna hunt you down and wear you like an animal pelt.

(48) Don’t be afraid to cry. Crying can feel amazing, like your emotions are ejaculating.

(49) One person can make a difference. But like, Gandhi or Jesus. Not you.

(50) But, you can be anything you want when you grow up.

(51) Well, except like the president or a famous athlete or something. That’s just ridiculous.

(52) But I’ll support you no matter what career you pursue.

(53) Well, except maybe like a drug mule or a nightclub party promoter or something.

(54) Think of the five things you can’t live without, and how much money you need to keep them in your life. That’s all the money you’ll ever need.

(55) Your career will take up roughly 1/3 of your adult life.

(56) Therefore, choose something enjoyable that makes just enough money to satisfy #54.

(57) All that is important about life and art was captured in The Beatles lyric, “What do you see when you turn out the light? I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine.”

(58) And we do get by with a little help from our friends.

(59) Whether or not you get high with a little help from your friends is your choice.

(60) It’s your civic duty as a decent person to have good taste in movies.

(61) Being five minutes late for everything is punctual in its own way.

(62) Never ask a woman you care about how many men she’s slept with. I’ve always regretted asking your mother. I mean, 56? For Christ’s sake.

(63) Stretching feels nice.

(64) People respect a man with a briefcase.

(65) People don’t respect a man who uses the phrase “co-inky-dink.”

(66) Never order the pulled pork at a strip club.

(67) Never trust anyone who drinks orange juice with “lots of pulp.”

(68) Never buy a Walmart futon.

(69) Never trust someone who doesn’t eat the crust of his pizza.

(70) Some days it’ll seem like everything is going your way. But then you’ll wake up, because you fell asleep in Arby’s again and the dude is trying to mop around you.

(71) Humanity’s greatest invention is and always will be the garlic knot.

(72) Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

(73) Beer before liquor, you’re in a cheap motel, sobbing and covered in blood.

(74) Misogynists are usually just guys who’ve had their heart broken once and are now taking it out on every woman they meet.

(75) Which is as logical as burning the roof of your mouth on some Domino’s and passive-aggressively battling pizza for the rest of your life.

(76) If you seek answers, consult Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.

(77) Going out to a bar expecting to meet someone is a recipe for disaster.

(78) Monster truck rallies are overrated.

(79) Demolition derbies are underrated.

(80) Therapy is usually a good idea.

(81) Become an expert on something really random and obscure.

(82) Time absolutely does not heal all wounds. Some wounds are scars.

(83) Actually read the books you are assigned in high school. This way you won’t have to pretend like you’ve read The Grapes of Wrath for the rest of your life.

(84) Also, most of them are great.

(85) Life isn’t too short for anything. Life isn’t short at all – it’s literally all I’ve been doing this entire time.

(86) Happiness is not something you can obtain, like money or a car. It may not even exist.

(87) Love is very real, and even when it’s going well it is so powerful that it sort of hurts.

(88) Your best hope for high school is making it out alive with some shred of dignity intact.

(89) College will make up for it.

(90) A sense of humor is the only thing that will stop the pressure of life from ripping you apart.

(91) Making someone you find beautiful laugh is the greatest feeling in the world.

(92) What your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

(93) But if you get caught, she will rain down upon you with a most unholy vengeance.

(94) Lots of guys I know don’t have feelings. Sometimes I think I don’t have feelings, or forgot how to have them. But it’s good to have feelings.

(95) Sometimes you need to remind yourself to treat the most important people in your life with the same respect that you’d treat a stranger.

(96) And try to remember that other people aren’t just figments of your imagination, despite a lack of proof to the contrary.

(97) The things that bring you instant gratification very rarely contribute to long-term contentment.

(98) In fact, they usually conspire against it.

(99) No amount of banal clichés will ever make life easier.

(100) If you don’t pay attention during the first year of high school Spanish, it’s all downhill from there.

(101) Figure it out for yourself. TC mark

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