11 Holiday Gifts For Your Loved One’s Penis

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Bacon-Flavored Lube

If you’re like me, you’ve often wondered if your all-consuming bacon obsession might technically constitute a sexual fetish. Also, you’ve learned the hard way that sizzling bacon grease can do severe damage to a man’s urethra tract. Thankfully, Baconlube – the world’s first bacon-flavored lubricant – offers all of the erotic appeal of bacon without any of the mess or painful burns. For those of us looking to blur the line between sharing an intimate moment with a loved one and wolfing down a Denny’s Grand Slam, Baconlube is the way to go!

Amazon user reviews

I puked. She puked. The dog puked. Do not use this stuff. (Alexander Forbes)

What a bad idea to make Baconlube. Bacon is fairly slippery already, what with all the grease. Why sell a lube to make it more slippery? What’s worse is that I couldn’t even enjoy the bacon with all the lube on it…” (margaret bernadette)


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Lambskin Condoms

To be honest, I don’t know much about lambskin condoms. They kind of confuse me. I realize they’re a sensible choice for a person allergic to latex, but there has to be another option, right? You know, something other than latex, but just shy of ejaculating into the skin of a lamb? Perhaps another material that isn’t some cobbled together pelt made from the foreheads and scalps of farm animals? Either way, lambskin converts will be pleased to discover that they are available for purchase at Amazon: no more haggling with the local shepherd!

Amazon user reviews

We had to literally stop because the smell was unbearable… (Yuck)

Sure, it felt natural and all, I was just scared/worried that it would break/fall off. And it did just that! We will find out in a month if it was defective! (“Stiffie”)


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Climax Control Gel

If there’s one downside to sex, it’s that it feels too good. That’s why the excellent people at Mandelay have created Maximum Strength Climax Control Gel. Essentially just anesthesia for the only part of your body that ever feels good anymore, this gel is proven to make sex about as enjoyable as stuffing sausage casings. Ostensibly created for premature ejaculators, this is also a viable option for: mature ejaculators, chronic masturbators, closeted men forced to endure the pathetic charade of a heterosexual relationship, serious practical jokesters, and most minor toothaches. Some Amazon users report that Mandelay’s Maximum Strength Climax Control Gel also unintentionally delays orgasms for female partners, but that’s a little like accusing Mandelay’s Maximum Strength Climax Control Gel for unintentionally delaying the release of Chinese Democracy.

Amazon user review

Oh god no. Please never again. Put this on my member for hours of fun with the wife. My wife went numb I felt a burning sensation. I was slowly dying inside. Never again. (Bunneh)


Crystal Caterpillar Thorn Condom (with Erotic Dice)

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Finally, a sex toy that combines all of his biggest turn-ons into one convenient product: condoms, caterpillars, thorns, non-toxic medical polymer materials, and erotic dice. Your partner will be overcome with passion as you read him an intricate set of directions that sound as if they were translated from Hebrew by a dyslexic, Japanese immigrant. Here is (I swear) the verbatim text from Amazon’s Directions section:

“1.Directly set in the penis or 4U epicenter stick. 2.use of a condom method to wear, to roll up, and like wearing condoms as sleeve could fight on the battlefield! 3.use the right amount of lubricant ,effect more better.”

Sounds legitimate! I can’t wait to “directly set in the penis!” And as per the Safety Information, just don’t forget to “save it in the shade.” Um, okay?

Amazon user reviews

This disturbs me actually but… Well, I know that this isn’t supposed to happen but it melted all over the place and actually fused together, into a twisted lump! It literally melted all over everything/one and turned, partly, into a gel! It also ruined several socks and a sock draw.” (No comment)

This process was difficult and uncomfortable…My fiance was not a fan and said the product hurt. We tried the product for about 15 to 20 VERY slow thrust to see if she would warm up to it. She did not. In fact, this product drew a small amount of blood from her girly parts. As for me, I could not feel much of anything… (sextoyaccounttx)


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Man Oil Penis Cream

We’ve all heard the horror stories from Man Oil’s ubiquitous infomercials – it’s the night before the prom, an anticipated first date, or even (gasp!) your wedding, and, lo and behold, your penis develops an unsightly blemish. Wait a second, I think I’m confusing Man Oil with Proactiv and a dude’s penis with Mandy Moore’s face…well, regardless, whether it’s an unexpected pimple or the latest herpes breakout, unattractive penis skin can ruin anybody’s night. That’s why every guy should regularly use Man Oil, the Penile Health Cream guaranteed to make your penis as soft as a baby’s bottom! Please excuse the extremely distasteful metaphor!

Amazon user review

… within a day or so I was already noticing an improvement in the quality of my penis skin. I struggle with psoriasis so I get patches of dry, scaly skin all over — even on my penis, unfortunately… to have it cleared up was practically like getting an all new penis for me… (FlyGuy326)


A Penis Plug

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What’s a penis plug? According to manufacturer Skeleton Key’s Amazon page, “Penis plugs or penis wands are gaining immense popularity as convenient cool and awesome penis jewelry pieces that men can opt for.” Look, I know what you’re thinking – that sentence ended with a preposition. Also, what’s a penis wand? Can it cast spells? And when you think about it, isn’t Criss Angel sort of a living, breathing Penis Wand? I don’t have the answer to any of those questions, but I can recommend the penis plug as a thoughtful present for anyone in your life who is DTISSITPH (“Down To Insert Surgical Steel Into Their Pee Hole”).

Amazon user review

We had to wear these for a week when we were being pledged into a fraternity. It got old by the 3rd day. Two of the guys had to drop out due to burning pain and blood. (M)


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A Urinal

Nothing says “I love you” like a urinal, that sleek monolith honoring the inescapable conversion of all things vital and life-affirming into stale streams of stinking piss. Perfect for anyone in your life who pees standing up or has a severe drinking problem, a urinal is the ideal addition to the bathroom of someone who never, ever plans on having company over.

I love shopping for discounts on Amazon, but, unfortunately, couldn’t find any used models listed.

Amazon user review

what can you say about a device that takes the indignity of being pissed on? It worked as I hoped. (UtahCamper)


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Chocolate Dildo Molding Kit

This Clone-a-Willy kit offers users the opportunity to “make an edible solid milk chocolate copy of ANY penis!” What sets this item apart from others on this list is that it isn’t just a great gift for anyone with a penis, but anyone with a sweet tooth (provided that they aren’t uncomfortable with the idea of sinking that sweet tooth into a milk chocolate replica of somebody’s boner). Finally, a penis that melts in your mouth and not when you accidently graze it while reaching for your shopping bag on a crowded subway! Perfect for that stereotypical “dad who has everything.”

Amazon user review

Once I endured all the stress of prepping, the manufacturer hadn’t even provided enough gel to accommodate even a less than average tool. One of the most frustrating experiences of my now apparently privileged life.” (ReginaRex)


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Happiness thru the Art of… Penis Enlargement by Cristian YoungMiller

From the author of such classics as “Everybody Has Those Thoughts: So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay,” “Samurai Zombie Hunter,” and “Everybody Masturbates,” comes the story of Ben, a man who “has lived his entire life with an alcoholic, verbally abusive penis named ‘The Brotha’.” Apparently, this leads to a journey of self-discovery via penis enlargement…I mean, I think all of this pretty much speaks for itself. Look at that amazing cover art! And the most prominent positive review is from Jerry Springer! It’s ranked #1,028,630 on Amazon’s Best Selling Books list!

Amazon user review

And in the end what Mr. Youngmiller seems to say is: if ‘size matters’ it’s the size of the heart that matters most. Size of the the penis? Not so much, but if your concerned about increasing the size of either, this book is for you. (“parkerC”)


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Penis Pills

To keep up in today’s ultra-competitive, ever-changing world, you need to be taking plenty of unapproved, mysterious pills – like Big Jim & The Twins, the male enhancement formula designed to turn your flaccid penis into a radioactive crag of hazardous pollution-dick! Will it make your junk any bigger? Maybe, but it’s just as likely that your dong will grow a tooth or start oozing that pink slime from Ghostbusters II. Either way, you’ll be ready to turn the private parts of anyone who crosses your path into a bona fide Superfund site.

Amazon user review

However this item does nothing to me but made my heart goes faster & my left arm felt funny in a sense like I was sick. (Mr. Love)


A Male Chastity Device

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Thought chastity devices were just a mythical figment of medieval lore? Nope, they’re real and they’re the Furby of this year’s holiday season. Technically referred to as a “chastity cage,” this item is exactly what you think it is – a strange contraption you padlock to your junk to prevent you from having sex. In other words, it doesn’t really do anything I can’t already rely on my face to accomplish. Perfect for S&M practitioners, extremely distrustful relationships, and that guy in college you nicknamed “Houdini Penis” because he could open his fly without using his hands.

Amazon user review

Me and my orgy circle got adventurous with this and absolutely loved it… I personally had to wrap my penis in some Crime Scene tape to make it fit right. (“Adam”) TC mark

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