20. My Car Turned Me On!: Hilarious Tales of Accidental Pleasure
“Me” is underlined to emphasize the comedic reversal at play in this unlikely situation. Get it, the car is turning the girl on! Cosmo covers should have a laugh track.
19. Your Breasts Called…: And They’re Feeling Neglected. How to Pamper & Pleasure Them
Cosmo prints this on their cover, and girls smile knowingly and nod their heads. I yell this out the window of a moving car, and I’m the bad guy?
18. News: Why Wet Kisses Make Men Horny
I just love that they prefaced this one with the header “News.”
17. 10 Subliminal Tricks That Make People Adore You
A good deal of Cosmo articles are about tricking people into liking you. Apparently, this kind of popularity-via-subterfuge is a sad reality for many readers.
16. The Butt Facial: Yeah, We Know. But It’ll Make Yours Silky Smooth
Whether this is a procedure to make my face more like my butt, or my butt more like my face, I’m going to have to decline.
15. Who’s that Anorexic Girl at the Gym?
Unlike your traditional newspaper or magazine, a Cosmo headline often seems less like a dramatic revelation and more like a trivial thing that some random person said once. Hopefully one day we’ll be treated to Cosmo headlines like, “Whose Umbrella Is This?” and “I Think I Have to Sneeze.”
14. His Secret Sex Spots: You Know About his G-Spot, Now Be the First To Find Out About His C-Spot and V-Spot. Touch Both Tonight and You’ll Peel Him Off the Ceiling
My advice: Take the G to the V and get off at the nipples (the C’s a local and it’s always delayed on the weekends).
13. Flatten Your Belly: The New Water Sipping Trick That Crushes Hunger
“The Water Sipping Trick!” For people so desperate to lose weight that when they get hungry they’re willing to settle for SIPPING FUCKING WATER! From the visionary minds that brought you the “Also, Don’t Forget to Breathe Technique!”
12. Sex That Brings You Closer: These Hot Moves Will Start a Bonfire in His Pants…and His Heart
11. Guy Butt Watch ’99
America – we’ll always have the ’69 Moon landing, the 1980 Olympics, and the ’99 Guy Butt Watch.
10. The Silent Way He Shows He’s Whipped
“And 47 Other Warning Signs of Suicide.”
9. Crotch Crisis: 4 Scary Things Gynos Tell You and Why You Shouldn’t Wig Out
“Hmm…on one hand, a medical professional expressing grave concerns about the well-being of my vagina…but, on the other hand, Cosmo!”
8. How to Tell if He’s Good in Bed
This one reminds me of the Saturday Night Live parody commercial for the Leland-Meyers Home Headache Test: it’s a spin-off of the home pregnancy test that requires only a “moderate amount” of blood and a mere two hours to determine whether or not you have a headache.
7. Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter
“And 278 Other Ways to Ensure That All of Your Sexual Encounters Remain One-Night Stands!”
Related Headline: Man-Melting Massage: The Magic Ways to Touch His Back, His Arms, Even his Earlobes
6. How to Touch a Naked Man
On his penis, with literally any part of your body.
5. Feel Happier in 9 Seconds
9 seconds??? BUT I CAN’T WAIT 9 SECONDS, COSMO! I WANT TO BE HAPPY NOWWWW!
Related: Lose Weight While You Eat!
4. Mariah Carey: “I don’t need to sleep with 100 guys”
One small step for Mariah Carey, one giant leap for feminism.
3. “She Caught a Rapist with a Straw”
Cosmo headlines are like Full House episodes – the ones that are supposed to be serious are the only ones that make me laugh.
Related: “I Was Abducted and Stuffed into a Trunk”/ “I Woke Up Naked in a Strange Place”/ Her Fiancé Died At His Bachelor Party
2. 99 Sexy Ways to Touch Him: These Fresh, Frisky Tips Will Thrill Every Inch of Your Guy (Our Favorite Requires a Glazed Donut)
Step 1: Give guy donut.
Step 2: Guy eats donut.
Step 3: Continue on with your pathetic charade of a relationship, pausing intermittently to liven up your frigid sex life with fried confectionaries.