1. A film where the repercussions from a night of excessive drinking can’t be tidily resolved in 90 minutes; hire me as a Technical Consultant.
2. Big Momma’s House IV: Big Momma’s House Into Darkness
3. Cowboys & Aliens & Postpartum Depression
4. A Choose Your Own Adventure film where all of the endings were written by M. Night Shyamalan.
5. Don’t Wake Daddy: The Movie
6. A three hour opus devoted to Ken Jeong’s penis.
7. A documentary about photosynthesis called A Convenient Truth.
8. A Hangover Part III where the guys wake up from a blacked-out night of debauchery to discover that they spent the night making responsible, prudent decisions like filing their tax returns and backing up their hard drives.
9. Is It Herpes? Yes, It’s Herpes
10. The Hangover Part III: Vatican City
11. Rerelease the first two films after using extensive CGI to edit out Justin Bartha, the guy that plays Doug; replace him with something more charismatic, like Carson Daly or a clothes hanger.
12. The Hangover With Mr. Cooper
13. Wilmer Valderrama Presents Yo Momma: The Movie
14. A third Hangover film where all of the dialogue is taken from reviews of The Hangover Part II, leading to snappy exchanges like:
Alan: “Somebody must have roofied me. I left The Hangover Part II feeling dazed and abused, wondering how bad things happened to such a good comedy.” (Rolling Stone)
Stu: “The movie’s an unclean thing and a mostly unfunny one.” (The Boston Globe)
Phil: “If you want to avoid plot spoilers for The Hangover Part II, don’t watch The Hangover.” (Film.com)
15. Regis Philbin Gets a Colonoscopy
16. America’s Saddest Home Videos
17. Two hours of Zach Galifianakis reading Popsicle stick jokes.
18. Ernest Gets Bukkake’d On
19. Any of the films that Troy McClure claims we might remember him from (I’d be particularly excited for Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp, The President’s Neck is Missing, Alice’s Adventure Through The Windshield Glass, or Get Confident, Stupid!).
20. Mr. Magorium’s Black Tar Heroin Emporium
21. Test out that thing where you give typewriters to a bunch of monkeys and see if they can eventually produce the works of Shakespeare.
22. Millard Fillmore: Zombie Trapper
23. The Hobbit: Are You F—king Kidding Me? You’ve Been Holding The Map Upside Down This ENTIRE TIME?!?
24. Rumpelstiltskin: Armed & Dangerous
25. We Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident, That All Men Are Created Equal, That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Unalienable Rights, That Among These Are Life, Liberty, The Pursuit Of Happiness, And The Right To Die Hard
26. Footloose II: The Stanky Legg
27. The Intoxicating Moonshine of the Homeless Bum
28. How Clay Aiken Got His Groove Back
29. Just rerelease the first Hangover, call it The Hangover Part III, and see if anyone notices.
30. Create a movie franchise where all of the films aren’t made using a single Mad Libs template. Wait, that’s actually a good idea…