Celebrating The Mayan Apocalypse Vs. Celebrating New Year’s Eve

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New Year’s Eve: Start the New Year with a hangover.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: Start the afterlife with a hangover.

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New Year’s Eve: Televised celebration to be hosted by Ryan Seacrest, replacing the late Dick Clark.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: Widespread mayhem to be hosted by a demonic, yet still chipper Dick Clark.

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Mayan Apocalypse: Much ado over an arbitrary calendar change.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Much ado over an arbitrary calendar change.

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Mayan Apocalypse: Bears strong similarity to 2000’s Y2K frenzy.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Bears strong similarity to ever other fucking New Year’s Eve that you made elaborate plans for and got really excited about, but which ended up just kind of sucking.

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Mayan Apocalypse: Doomsday scenarios offer only plausible explanation for the otherwise inexplicable popularity of Tyler Perry.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Offers no plausible explanation for the inexplicable popularity of Tyler Perry.

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New Year’s Eve: Celebrated at hourly increments across the globe due to time zone differences.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: Not really sure how it’s going to work. Were the Mayans on Eastern Standard Time? Central Standard Time? Is everything just going to happen all at once, or at midnight in each individual time zone? Is it like when TV shows are advertised as airing at “8:00/7:00 central”? What time jurisdiction is the apocalypse falling under? This reminds me of how you can’t feed Mogwai after midnight. Is 12:00 a.m. (as measured by the appropriate time zone) a discrete figure or more of cautionary number chosen for its symbolic resonance? I hate the uncertainty. I’m sweating over here just thinking about all this.

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New Year’s Eve: You don’t have work the next day.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: You’re gonna have work the next day, but you can pretend for a while that you won’t.

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New Year’s Eve: You’ll have to think of some good reasons to procrastinate on your diet or whatever your New Year’s resolutions are.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: Armageddon seems like a pretty solid excuse for not starting your new diet.

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New Year’s Eve: At midnight you’ll be desperately searching the room for someone drunk enough to make out with you.
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: At midnight you’ll be desperately searching the sky for Jesus to descend while doing a sassy Dikembe Mutombo-esque “finger wag” and zapping non-believers with his laser eyes.

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New Year’s Eve: You brought a stick of gum and a condom — “just in case.”
VS.
Mayan Apocalypse: You brought a first-aid kit, walkie-talkies, and a condom — “just in case.”

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Mayan Apocalypse: Some believe that Earth will collide with a mysterious planet, commonly referred to as Planet X or Nibiru.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Some believe that I will collide with many mysterious objects, including lampposts, street signs, and other revelers, as I attempt to make it home at the end of the night.

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Mayan Apocalypse: Others believe that we will achieve some sort of transcendental consciousness or spiritual alignment on 12/21/12.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Still others believe we will achieve some sort of pants-shitting, transcendental level of intoxication on 12/31/12, as our BAC levels align with the galactic coordinates of Earth.

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Mayan Apocalypse: The Mayans actually mentioned dates beyond 12/21/12 and prophesied important events occurring beyond that date.
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Unfortunately, you’re not foreseeing any important events or dates occurring anytime in 2013.

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Mayan Apocalypse: Once the night passes without any scourging fires or the arrival of The Four Horsemen, people will need to create new and more gruesome doomsday theories to satisfy our perpetual desire to see the world end (and because Nicolas Cage could use some good movie ideas).
VS.
New Year’s Eve: Once the night passes without anyone having the outrageously fun time they foolishly expected to have, people will need to create new and more extravagant plans for next year to satisfy our perpetual desire to party ourselves into some kind of all-consuming, personal Armageddon of hedonistic fun (and because Zac Efron and Katherine Heigl were really banking on a New Year’s Eve 2). TC mark

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