Michael Bay’s IMDB Filmography: 2012-2032

Doomsday (2014)

Nicolas Cage stars as a receding hairline in this end-of-the-world action/thriller. When the supervolcano residing underneath Yellowstone National Park threatens to erupt, spraying magma and ash across the country and creating an apocalyptic Volcanic Winter, it’s up to Cage and wacky sidekick Jerry Berry (Chris Tucker) to save humanity. To make matters worse, idiotic scientists have accidentally resurrected Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Fatty Arbuckle, and the trio intends to stop Cage and Tucker at every possibly juncture. Featuring Liam Neeson as the President, and Billy Bob Thornton as The Scientist Who Looks at a Map on a Computer Screen, then Dramatically Pulls off his Glasses and Says “Oh… My… God.”

Gravity’s Rainbow (2016)

A loose adaptation of the post-modern Thomas Pynchon classic, Gravity’s Rainbow was helmed by Bay after overhearing at a cocktail party that the book was about “a guy in WWII who got a boner every time a rocket was about to explode.” Adapted to the contemporary climate of WWIII, and starring Mark Wahlberg as Tyrone Slothrop, Kevin James as the voice of the computer-animated boner, and the reanimated corpse of Scatman Crothers as the Crotchety Old Black Guy who Doesn’t Take Crap from Anybody.

JENGA! (2020)

Master architect Claude Von Harpe (John Travolta) has just put the finishing touches on the Luxior, a state-of-the-art skyscraper opening in downtown Las Vegas. Thousands of high-rolling partiers will spend opening night celebrating inside the building during an extravagant gala opening. Unfortunately, they don’t know that Von Harpe is a homicidal maniac — the skyscraper has been built with technology that will allow him to detonate one floor of party-goers at a time, a morbid game of life and death that won’t end until he Jeopardizes the Engineering Necessary for Gigantic Architecture (J.E.N.G.A.) and crashes the Luxior to the ground. Now it’s up to lowly building inspector and recovering alcoholic DeAndre Jackson (Drake) to stop him.

My Dinner With Andre (2022)

A retelling of the 1981 classic concerning a philosophical conversation between two friends over dinner, Bay’s remake is unexpectedly faithful until the last act reveals that Andre is, in fact, an acrimonious robot from Neptune hell-bent on the destruction of Earth.

Waldo: To Catch A Predator (2026)

Federal Agent Dakota Snapple (Suri Cruise) must locate and arrest the world’s most dangerous sex criminal, the lecherous and elusive Waldo, before he can successfully accomplish his evil plan to bring back the social networking website MySpace in this breakneck hi-tech action/thriller. Unfortunately for Agent Snapple, although Waldo has a conspicuous habit of hanging out in large crowds, he is surprisingly adept at the art of camouflage. Features dazzling set pieces in NYC’s Times Square, Dallas’ Cowboys Stadium, New Orleans’ Bourbon Street, and a disappointing finale in the Hartford Civic Center.

Rock‘em Sock‘em Robots (2030)

With the US and Russia deadlocked in a revived Cold War, tensions mount throughout the world over the potential for a Nuclear Holocaust. Japanese industrialist Domo Arigato comes up with an impartial solution — both countries build a gigantic robot fighter to represent their nation in a decisive final battle. The US, led by blue-collar engineer James Muffler, creates the technologically advanced Blue Bomber. The Soviets, guided by pig-farmer-turned-Prime-Minster Igor Prokrov, piece together the monstrous Red Rocker. Rock’em Sock‘em Robots is perhaps best known as the film that accidentally destroyed the Philippines via a pyrotechnic mishap.

Pepsi: The Movie (2032)

America has become a besotted dystopia, blighted by environmental crises, plummeting natural resources, a threadbare economy, and an overpopulated mass of obese idiots. Worst of all, Royal Emperor Tronald Dump has declared a prohibition on Pepsi, the country’s most cherished beverage and sole reason for continued existence. Sounds like a job for… Pepsi Jesus! Watch as Pepsi Jesus turns America’s polluted lakes and rivers into sweet, bubbling Pepsi, invents a line of cars that runs on Pepsi, and introduces our disgustingly corpulent population to the wonders of zero-calorie Pepsi Max. Along the way, even the stodgy Royal Emperor Trump may just learn something about the true meaning of Pepsi Christmas. TC mark

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