A Scientific Scale For Rating Band Names

Motivated by curiosity, boredom, and whatever the hell else it is that inspires scientists to do science-y things, a team of researchers from across the globe has released a scale for determining the quality of a band name. Most likely, they were just tired of putting out a bunch of global warming studies that we were only going to use as fodder for future John Cusack/Nicolas Cage movies.

After unequivocally determining the best and worst band names of all time (Butthole Surfers and Goo Goo Dolls, respectively) the scientists began the laborious and intensive process of assigning values to every other band name in history, on a scale of -5 to 5. The scale below is a condensed version of their list featuring a band for each possible score.

The scientists want it made clear that: A. The quality of a band’s music plays absolutely no role in their ranking, and B. They (the scientists) may not be up on all the latest indie rock bands, or whatever, so sorrrrrry if they’ve never heard of The Sad Librarians or Wispy Moustache & The Spectacles, or whatever the hell it is you kids listen to, so just back off, okay?

Asked for the criteria used to determine their rankings, the scientists shrugged their shoulders and tried to change the subject. Death Cab for Cutie was left off because none of them could rationally decide whether it was a great or awful name.

Let me reiterate that this is an objective scale, fashioned by scientists at the top of their respective fields, using beakers, formulas, and other scientific materials. In no way, shape, or form is this scale the subjective opinion of some random douche (i.e., me). That would just be stupid.

Incredibly Awesome Band Names

Butthole Surfers (5.0)

Bad Brains (4.9)

New Kids on the Block (4.8)

Circle Jerks (4.7)

Black Sabbath (4.6)

Really, Really Great Band Names

Faith No More (4.5)

Rocket from the Crypt (4.4)

Deftones (4.3)

Shudder to Think (4.2)

Dead Kennedys (4.1)

Sonic Youth (4.0)

They Might Be Giants (3.9)

The Velvet Underground (3.8)

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (3.7)

Joy Division (3.6)

Great Band Names

Creedence Clearwater Revival (3.5)

Guided by Voices (3.4)

The Airborne Toxic Event (3.3)

Dropkick Murphys (3.2)

Coheed and Cambria (3.1)

Pantera (3.0)

The Who (2.9)

Cat Butt (2.8)

At the Drive-In (2.7)

Meat Puppets (2.6)

Very Good Band Names

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (2.5)

Cheap Trick (2.4)

Grateful Dead (2.3)

Primus (2.2)

Van Halen (2.1)

Green Day (2.0)

Dinosaur Jr. (1.9)

Ramones (1.8)

Echo & the Bunnymen (1.7)

Eurythmics (1.6)

Pretty Good Band Names

Motley Crue (1.5)

Dire Straits (1.4)

Fugazi (1.3)

Slayer (1.2)

Def Leppard (1.1)

The Decemberists (1.0)

The Presidents of the United States of America (0.9)

AC/DC (0.8)

Megadeth (0.7)

Arcade Fire (0.6)

Mediocre Band Names

Metallica (0.5)

ZZ Top (0.4)

Cake (0.3)

Whitesnake (0.2)

The Doors (0.1)

The Cars (0.0)

The Smashing Pumpkins (-0.1)

One Direction (-0.2)

‘NSYNC (-0.3)

Weezer (-0.4)

Creed (-0.5)

Kind of Bad Band Names

Pearl Jam (-0.6)

The Strokes (-0.7)

Alice in Chains (-0.8)

The Beatles (-0.9)

Third Eye Blind (-1.0)

Phish (-1.1)

Blink-182 (-1.2)

Snow Patrol (-1.3)

Jimmy Eat World (-1.4)

Lynyrd Skynyrd (-1.5)

Bad Band Names

Sleigh Bells (-1.6)

Maroon 5 (-1.7)

The Bravery (-1.8)

Soundgarden (-1.9)

Sugar Ray (-2.0)

Red Hot Chili Peppers (-2.1)

Broken Social Scene (-2.2)

Foster the People (-2.3)

Buckcherry (-2.4)

Barenaked Ladies (-2.5)

Really Bad Band Names

Guns N’ Roses (-2.6)

The Color Fred (-2.7)

mewithoutYou (-2.8)

Backstreet Boys (-2.9)

Arctic Monkeys (-3.0)

Korn (-3.1)

Alien Ant Farm (-3.2)

Papa Roach (-3.3)

Chumbawamba (-3.4)

A Flock of Seagulls (-3.5)

Terrible Band Names

Passion Pit (-3.6)

Yeah Yeah Yeahs (-3.7)

Slightly Stoopid (-3.8)

Ratt (-3.9)

Foo Fighters (-4.0)

Panic! at the Disco (-4.1)

Bush (-4.2)

Hootie & the Blowfish (-4.3)

Staind (-4.4)

Puddle of Mudd (-4.5)

Astonishingly Bad Band Names

Savage Garden (-4.6)

U2 (-4.7)

Limp Bizkit (-4.8)

Hoobastank (-4.9)

Goo Goo Dolls (-5.0) TC mark

image – Kris Weib

More From Thought Catalog

A Scientific Scale For Rating Band Names is cataloged in , , , , , ,
  • Nikki
  • Rasheeda

    What, no Kings of Leon?

    • http://fannypackspectacular.wordpress.com Ted Pillow

      -.4

  • Cara

    I would like to point out here that name has no bearing on talent.

  • gleidis

    This could be a drinking game!! if you recognize the name of the band one shot. If you know the lyrics to one of their songs, two shots

  • http://fannypackspectacular.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/a-scientific-scale-for-rating-band-names/ A Scientific Scale For Rating Band Names | Fanny Pack Spectacular!

    […] A Scientific Scale For Rating Band Names […]

  • http://rsmithing.wordpress.com rsmithing

    Incredible. I have to agree with 98% of this ranking. Seeing these names categorized takes me back to when I first heard of the bands. I distinctly remember thinking “Soundgarden? Weak!” Or, “Foo Fighters? I hope that’s not Dave Grohl in that picture… wait, yep. Too bad they’ll probably suck.” But almost immediately after hearing a few notes, the band names become progressively more irellevant. Case in point: most successful bands ever.

    • http://fannypackspectacular.wordpress.com Ted Pillow

      Thanks! Yeah, it’s kind of like you have two separate first impressions of a band: their name and the first time you hear them. But a bad name can go a long way to making people dismissive of you.
      And you wouldn’t think I like grunge bands very much based on this, but I actually really do. They just had a lot of bland or silly names…Pearl Jam? Alice in Chains? That’s the best you can think of?

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/10-places-on-the-internet-you-should-never-go/ 10 Places On The Internet You Should Never Go | Thought Catalog

    […] day, I lost a full two hours scrolling, mesmerized by my Xanga-era idiocy. It was all a blur of Jimmy Eat World quotes, weird inside jokes that I apparently had with friends that make no sense, and boyfriends I […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/10/10-places-on-the-internet-you-should-never-go/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] day, I lost a full two hours scrolling, mesmerized by my Xanga-era idiocy. It was all a blur of Jimmy Eat World quotes, weird inside jokes that I apparently had with friends that make no sense, and boyfriends I […]

  • http://theresevalmonte.com/webdev2/wordpress/?p=10 Hi!

    […] day, I lost a full two hours scrolling, mesmerized by my Xanga-era idiocy. It was all a blur of Jimmy Eat World quotes, weird inside jokes that I apparently had with friends that make no sense, and boyfriends I […]

  • http://theresevalmonte.com/webdev2/wordpress/?p=18 10 Places On The Internet You Should Never Go |

    […] day, I lost a full two hours scrolling, mesmerized by my Xanga-era idiocy. It was all a blur of Jimmy Eat World quotes, weird inside jokes that I apparently had with friends that make no sense, and boyfriends I […]

blog comments powered by Disqus