21 Things That Make Me Feel Old

  1. If I go out drinking both Friday and Saturday night, I wake up Sunday morning looking more ragged and anguished than Tom Hanks towards the end of Cast Away (right around the part where he’s lost any semblance of sanity and you’ve become pretty sure he’s had sex with Wilson).
  2. Songs that I can remember hearing for the first time are now played on Classic Rock stations.
  3. My technological awareness peaked in 2009. When I attempt to operate any electronics made in the last three years, I look like a chimpanzee that’s been handed an Etch-A-Sketch and asked to draw something other than stairs.
  4. I just moved into a new (and particularly depressing) age bracket on most surveys/censuses that lumps me in with people whom I consider to be way too old to ever have fun anymore.
  5. I still think asking, “A/S/L?” is a valid way of beginning any internet-based communication.
  6. Looking at recent pictures of the Hanson brothers.
  7. I recently saw a commercial that I thought was an ad for some new special effects laden summer movie. It wasn’t until the very end, when the PlayStation 3 logo appeared, that I realized that the ad was actually for a video game. An inability to differentiate between video games and movies is a problem that, until recently, only happened to my mom. In my defense, the TV was far away, I had a smudge on the left lens of my glasses, and that was one crazy-ass looking video game.
  8. Speaking of summer movies, can we turn down the volume in the theater a little bit? Just a tad? This would be greatly appreciated, particularly during scenes when twenty-story high robots are using intricate karate movies on each and each of their punches sound like a grand piano being dropped onto a busy freeway; likewise for horror movies where every scare is accompanied by the sound of old subway brakes.
  9. Facebook keeps informing me that many of my old college acquaintances who used to be too incompetent to pass Intro to Spanish are now successfully employed and getting married.
  10. The car I’ve owned since high school is now legally old enough to vote. Granted, it was a little past its prime when I got it, but watching it slowly fall apart serves as a distressing metaphor for my own aging. Yet, I refuse to replace it because it’s one of the few remaining vestiges to my pre-college years. Unfortunately, it isn’t old in a cool, vintage way, but in a “Wow, how does that pass inspection?” way.
  11. I still think music videos are the coolest things ever and I’m not sure why they ever stopped being popular.
  12. I’m convinced that every time I learn a new piece of information, an old one falls out of my brain forever. Unfortunately, the new information is usually something like “Andre the Giant supposedly drank 156 beers in one sitting,” and the old, lost information is my online banking password or how to perform basic math.
  13. I’ve outlived James Dean, Biggie, Duane Allman, Buddy Holly, and Joan of Arc.
  14. Sidney Crosby, who has been the NHL’s biggest star for seven years now, is two months younger than I am. Current rookie MLB phenom Bryce Harper, who already has seven home runs more than I ever will, was born in 1992.
  15. The Miami Heat (created in 1988) and the Oklahoma City Thunder (moved from Seattle in 2008), the two competitors in this year’s NBA Finals, did not exist when I was born. So not only am I older than many of the players involved, but I’m older than the actual franchises themselves.
  16. Seeing my friend’s youngest siblings, whom I have always thought of as eternally childish and innocent, out (legally) at the bar.
  17. Whenever I see a particularly diverse group of friends, I make cynical, outdated references to the Burger King Kids Club. Well, this one makes me feel old and kind of racist.
  18. I actually like “cool” bands again, but only because by the time I finally hear about them they are so far past being cool and/or trendy and/or hip and have fallen so far outside any realm of appreciation, that they have gone full-circle and become cool to listen to again.
  19. I am overcome with anxiety by things that seem vaguely dangerous, even when they don’t involve me. For instance, I can’t watch Cash Cab without worrying about everyone involved, as hosting a game show while attempting to drive in NYC traffic seems inherently irresponsible and unsafe. I tend to watch with my hands half-covering my eyes, muttering things like “Keep your eyes on the road, Ben Bailey!” or “I would really be more comfortable right now if he would just stop turning around in the driver’s seat.”
  20. I’ve realized that at some of my more recent jobs, there hasn’t been that one weird guy that everyone gossips about because they’re a little too old to be working there. Then I realized I was that guy.
  21. I have an overwhelming urge to sit on my (nonexistent) porch all day, drinking and yelling at passing kids to stay off my damn lawn. TC Mark
image – Shutterstock


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  • annehigh

    ASL is always a valid way to start ANY conversation.

  • Joe

    If you feel like this now, just wait ’till you’re 40. I relate to almost everything you wrote, but I didn’t get there until I was close to 40.

    • Stephen

      Seriously Joe, I’m reading an awful lot of “oh, I feel so old” talk on here these days… I just turned 40, and I don’t even feel old. These people need to get a reality check.

  • Eric

    Refreshing take on the ‘I’m Old Now’ argument. Many chuckles.

  • Christy

    You’re freaking 24. Get over yourself.

    Sometimes I feel old too, but then I realize I’m being a twat.

    • Michelle

      We all feel old for one reason or another in our mid-20’s. These are his “sometimes I feel old too” thoughts. Doesn’t mean he is a narcissist for writing this article.

    • http://gravatar.com/tedpillow Ted Pillow

      Joke’s on you, I just turned 25!

      • http://wordwhorls.wordpress.com Am. S.

        First, Ted, Happy Birthday!

        I’m about five months older, and deeper, in this old-age depression shit-hole. I tweeted about watching 50/50 some time ago, and got a smack in the face for watching a 2011 movie, ooh, excuse me, about ten months late.

        Second, it’s okay. It helps to know there are older, super-cool people out there. It gives us a wee bit of hope that we’ll turn out fine, soon enough, soon enough.

        Finally, a point #22 that will dawn on you soon enough: a definite sign of old-age is readjusting the cool-age/cut-off-age to suit your position in life. I’m 386? Oh, that’s okay, See that guy? He’s 389. Now THAT’s old.

        FYI, Joseph G-Levitt is an ’81 born.

      • Wayne Z.

        Yet The Miami Heat (created in 1988) did not exist when you were born! Go figure!

  • Pepper

    hahaha it’s the little things… I’m young enough to know the Urban Dictionary exists, but old enough that I actually have to refer to it at times after a conversation with my bf’s little sister……….

  • Michelle

    #19 made me lmao.

  • Jessica

    22. The author of this article is younger than me.

  • cole

    i didn’t feel old until i read this haha

  • princesscards

    #6 the Hanson brothers are looking fiiiine these days if I may say so

    • Sara Sinclair


  • Sarah

    “My car is legally old enough to vote” hahaha

  • http://www.facebook.com/sherls Caity Sherlock

    #4 and #16…and well all of them. and the whole “new age bracket” thing was my biggest problem with turning 25. ew.

  • Veronica

    7. A few days ago I walked into my house and found my roommate seated on the couch in front of the TV. Me: “What are you watching?” Him: “Actually I’m playing a game.” Me: “Oh. Heh. Now I see…”

    10. I initially read “car” as “cat” and proceeded to be a bit horrified at the callous terms in which you discussed your pet. (I apologize.)

    • http://fannypackspectacular.wordpress.com Ted Pillow

      Haha well I do have a really old cat, too. He got into a fight a few weeks ago and something bit/clawed his ass and it got infected. So, there’s that.

  • Sara

    I probably love this list mostly for the Sidney Crosby reference, which in turn made me think “holy crap it’s been SEVEN years?!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

    If my car were a person, it would almost be old enough to go to bars! It’s a Volvo 240, though, so that’s… kind of cool, right? The girl at the Burger King drive in window told me it was cool once, and she was probably like 17, so I’m taking that as a good sign.

    • Ted Pillow

      Well, you’re definitely cooler than me – my driver’s side window broke, so when I go to Burger King I have to awkwardly pull up far enough away from the drive-thru window so that I can open my door. It’s kind of embarrassing for everyone involved.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

        That’s what we get for trying to impress 17 year olds anyway.

  • Jamie Budak

    I ordered a ”grape Mr.Misty” at Dairy Queen and the teenage girl working the drive thru said ”A Mr. WHO??” Apparently the slushy things are called something else (Arctic blast, Arctic freeze, some shit like that) and have been for some time. Like YEARS. What the everloving hell? My childhood is officially an archeological relic.

    Also, I just had my first child, and I realized that when my mother was my age, I was in SIXTH GRADE. She was so old.

  • Brittany

    Oh my goodness. I’m only 21, but one of the “classic rock” stations in my city plays songs I remember listening to as a child in the 90s. It’s very unsettling and makes me feel “old by comparison,” even though 21 isn’t old at all.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/miranda.down.56 Miranda Down

    Omg Yes I have totally done #19 !! He is going to hit a biker one day

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    […] Twentysomething me: I’m in my twenties and I feel old.  […]

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