Thought Catalog

What Freud Would Have Done If He Had Facebook

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Jenna Ashton: just got back from the gym, ready to go out with my ladies tonight! gettt it! lovemylife

3 people like this. Comment. 22 minutes ago

Sigmund Freud: You are trying to compensate for an unbearable emptiness in your life.

Monica Phallon: jenna who is this asshole^^^

Jenna Ashton: ugh, its freud STAY OFF MY PROFILE OR IM DEFRIENDING YOU FREUD UR SO WERID

Sigmund Freud: I’m sorry, but was that an attempt at free association? Compose yourself my dear, I cannot understand you.

Jenna Ashton: defriended. and for the last time, i dont want any coke u freak

_____

Allison Craft and Edward Hampton are in a relationship.

9 people like this. Comment. about an hour ago

Jessica White: Omg toooo cute

Jack Browning: About time you two love birds made it official ;)

Sigmund Freud: I don’t mean to be brash, but I have to question Facebook’s infinite wisdom. I think what it meant to say is “Allison Craft is subliminally choosing to mate with the closest thing she could find to her own mother — Edward Hampton and his three inch penis. Edward is sabotaging his own homosexual impulses in a misguided attempt to spurn his father.”

Edward Hampton: what…the…f-ck. my dad died in fire when i was 4

Sigmund Freud: Well, don’t get all pissy about it.

 _____

Sigmund Freud has poked Dr. Phil.

_____

James Addison: Oh my god, people in the library can be so inconsiderate and annoying. No one wants to hear you guys flirting on your study date, so shut the hell up…I have a midterm in 45 minutes and I’m trying to study!

3 people like this. Comment. about an hour ago

Leah Walters: Ugh, I hate that! Stop by my dorm, I’ll help you study :)

Sigmund Freud: I’m paid to analyze the most trivial thoughts and irrelevant events in the lives of complete strangers, and even I don’t give a sh-t about this. I’d rather watch a Celebrity Rehab marathon than spend another second dealing with the worthless drivel you post in your “updates.” Grow a beard and stop acting like such a pansy, you insufferable twit.

_____

Sigmund Freud was tagged in Otto Rank’s album “Spring Break Vienna 1907.”

Sigmund Freud: Otto, you cad! Great times, but you could’ve left out the picture of me in the Speedo.

Otto Rank: What a blast. We definitely got in touch with our unconscious that week, that’s for sure…

 _____

Lindsey Rather: Geeze i hate to be the one to say it, but to ppl who post ridiculusly emo and depressed status’s, calm down lol. not everbody hates there lives, so try and look on the bright side and stop crying urself to sleep haha

4 people like this. Comment. 47 minutes ago

Sigmund Freud: I think you spelled “projection” wrong.

 _____

Sigmund Freud has poked Dr. Phil.

 _____

Ralph Fasano: Derek jeter is a winner, through and through. i bet you red sox fans wish you had him insted of that BUM pedroia. tell you what though, you sox fan can suck it. LETS GO YANKEES 2012

Like. Comment. 2 hours ago

Sigmund Freud: You’re probably gay.

3 people like this.

 _____

Josef Breuer: Smokin’ mad blunts in the Range Rover with my boy Siggy Freud. Get at us, yo. Trying to party tonight…

Like. Comment. 3 hours ago

Carl Jung: You know, for two heterosexual men, you guys spend a lot of time lighting phallic symbols for each other to puff on.

Sigmund Freud: Sometimes a cheap cigar filled with marijuana is just a cheap cigar filled with marijuana, my boy.

Carl Jung: Go smoke a meat cigar, dickweed.

 _____

Sigmund Feud likes “Oedipus the King by Sophocles.” Like this page.

 _____

Sigmund Feud likes “cocaine.” Like this page.

 _____

Sigmund Freud likes “mothers.” Like this page.

Sigmund Freud: Well, not just anyone’s mother, if you catch my drift…

Paula Fox: Dude, stop.

 _____

Dennis Muldoon: Had the weirdest dream last night. Let’s just say I was an adult-sized baby, and it involved my parents, French clowns, a bowling alley, Richard Dawson, and the Washington Monument. #traumatizing

Like this. Comment. 4 hours ago

Sigmund Freud: I’m not even touching that one. Make an appointment with Jung.

Dennis Muldoon: Hasn’t modern psychology like, rejected all of your theories?

Sigmund Freud: Don’t you like, work at a Red Lobster? You’re the guy whose entire life is a series of unequivocal rejections. I’m the guy who invented psychoanalysis.

 _____

Sigmund Freud has poked Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: hey what’s the big idea freud

Sigmund Freud: Get your head out of Oprah’s ass, you charlatan. You’re the only man I’ve ever come across who suffers from penis envy.

Richard von Krafft-Ebing: LOL

_____

Jeff Williamson: Just rented the new Cronenberg flick “A Dangerous Method” about Freud and Jung. Long live the new flesh!

1 person likes this. Comment. 6 hours ago

Sigmund Freud: Ah yes, the movie where I’m played by the drill instructor from G.I. Jane. Marvelous.

Sigmund Freud: For what it’s worth, the Chicago Reader said, “this is a movie with too much talk and not enough sensation.” So don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll LOVE it.

Jeff Williamson: You’re a real dick, dude.

27 people like this. TC mark

image – LIFE

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    • hadsat

      Would have*

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1479150143 Badley Bratt

      Would have*

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BVKEJMLXCH46HYV6U3H6JHSOKA GrammarNerd

      Would have*

    • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/contributors/brian-mcelmurry/ Brian M

      Really funny and creative. Freud before getting all “your mom” thought that drugs would work best for depression, neurosis and shit, but they hadn’t the serontonin drugs, or knew what a serotonin is, maybe. So he was ahead of the curve in ways, but science wasn’t.

    • http://www.facebook.com/josh.burns82 Josh Burns

      I don’t know where the creative inspiration for this came from, but it’s good stuff.  I see many more historical figures interacting with FB in the near future.
      Jeff Williamson in particular made me bust a gut!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      this is amazing

    • lou

      Writers on TC have this penchant for coming up with really great ideas and then not presenting them to their full potential. This could have been so much funnier. It’s Sigmund Freud…

      • Anonymous

        Do you have any suggestions?

    • Assirammmmmm

      i was reading this in my psych class and dying today.
      this is my favorite thought catalog article BY FAR. 
      freud <3

    • Zara

      this is amazing, thank you so much for this! Pretty much made my day

    • Anonymous

      AWESOME.  Of course he would poke Dr. Phil

    • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

      This is hella funny. The only thing that was missing is Freud’s phobia of ferns.

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      soo soo funny.

    • Joy Jalapit

      Well done, Pillow.  Haven’t read a TC article this good in a while.

    • Oh that Guest

      Hilarious. Well done!

    • Sama

      This cheered me up. There should be more “What Would Have Done If They Had Facebook” articles after this one. :) 

      • Sama

        Maybe I shouldn’t have done the “<insert …." thing. Fail comment. :( 

        • Sama

          Aaaaand double fail. 

    • Moomert

      Would have*

    • Bealtaine6

      I’m not sure which bit was better “Otto, you cad” (simply for the word cad) or ” You’re the only man I’ve ever come across who suffers from penis envy.” Hysterical…:P

    • http://mason-jar-memories.blogspot.com/ Grace Elizabeth

      “I think you spelled “projection” wrong.” :DDD

    • COOLGUEST

      *like(

    • Allisonnewman17

      this is amazing. well done. i cannot stop laughing. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/divya.dureja Divya Dureja

      This is hilarious!

      Siggy Freud equations couldn’t have been represented any better! :D

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