The Six Stages Of Pop Song Addiction

After years of observation, I’ve identified six discrete stages of pop song addiction.

Stage One: The Highbrow Scoff

This is the first — and most self-congratulatory — stage of the process toward full-fledged, seemingly irreversible addiction. A song comes on the radio, and — almost impulsively — you make that god awful scratching noise with the back of your throat — the same one Becky made in tenth grade when that new girl from Menlo sat next to Steven in fifth period and “had her boobs hanging out all over. I mean, seriously, is she that desperate?” The first encounter generally lasts no longer than 30 seconds, during which remarks are made about how the artist “sounds so processed,” and “probably sucks live,” and “has the trashiest lyrics.” If possible, the iPod is turned on, or a CD is played, and once Bon Iver or The National are on again you’re reminded that you’re a socially aware, farmer’s-market-shopping 20-something who reads good literature and only buys fair trade.

Stage Two: The Crank-It-Up-Two-Notches

The strangest part about the second stage is that you don’t really know it even happened until it’s over. What you’ll remember — in retrospect — is that the same song came on the radio, only this time you forgot to scoff. Actually, you turned the volume knob up two notches, and — in some cases — began tapping your foot or bouncing your shoulders. It’s the commercial for career colleges that runs after the song is over that snaps you out of the trance. You shake your head because you’re disappointed in yourself, and turn the radio off — parking the car in silence.

Stage Three: The Unexpected Hum

This usually happens at work or at school or — most embarrassingly — when you’re making dinner with your super indie friends in their dimly lit craftsman kitchen.  Under your breath, you hum the chorus to “Teenage Dream” while chopping asparagus to go with the quinoa patties, and, unfortunately, he hears. “Are you singing Katy Perry?” You look intently at the bamboo cutting board, and feel the same way you did when you still liked Pokémon in middle school. You deny it, feeling a bit shaken.

Stage Four: The Wait

After the Unexpected Hum, you start to embrace the fact that the song is catchy, at least, even if it is vapid and McDonald’s-esque. You start to sing it regularly — in the shower, in the canned food aisle, in your cubicle, and it doesn’t take long for the notes to weave their way into your hopes and dreams. When the woman at Subway mentions the new Rihanna single, you hear yourself say, “I love that song,” which feels both weird, and right. So, so right. You suddenly cannot wait to hear it again.

Stage Five: The Sing-A-Long

Depending on the duration of the anticipatory period, this can be the most awkward of the stages.

Scenario 1: If you’re fortunate, you won’t have waited long; when the song comes on the radio, you casually turn the volume up and sing the words you know, which are — at this point — the chorus, and the verse lines that cuss.

Scenario 2: If you’ve waited significantly, the introductory notes are like auditory X and you frantically increase the volume to hazardous levels. You may scream, which makes the guy in the silver Corolla next to you at the stoplight stare. You still don’t know the words, but — because of the excitement — produce these loud, guttural, (sometimes) melodious noises in lieu of lyrics. When the base line of the chorus drops, you hit the top of your steering wheel with your closed fist, and hammer out the rhythm. If you’re musical, you’re singing harmony, which surprises even you, and you internally remark about your ability to blend with Nikki Minaj. “Boom ba doom boom, boom ba doom boom, baby,” makes you smile and laugh when it rolls over your lips, and if someone’s in the car with you, you push her shoulder in that we-just-won-the-little-league-championship kind of way. When the song is over, you’re breathing heavily.

Stage Six: The Telltale Quote

At this point, the lyrics have imperceptibly finagled their way into your speech, and, in rare cases, have become part of your moral compass. You’re sitting at a table, about to eat the lunch you brought from home: three-cheese pepperoni pizza, Dr. Pepper, and M&M’s. Your co-worker, concerned, remarks about your eating habits having taken an unsettling turn. Looking up from your plate, you respond instinctually: “Baby, I was born this way,” after which you bite into your slice, semi-growling. When fighting with your boyfriend, you actually consider calling him “Shawty,” and reminding him that he is, indeed, your e’erthang. Two months ago, you didn’t even know what a “she-wolf” was, but now you’re convinced you’re harboring one that just needs to breathe. You think Katy might be right: that he is an alien and that you’re definitely ready for abduction. Unfortunately, the addiction is nearly irreversible. TC mark

image – Teenage Dream

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  • untimelymeds

    you skipped the stage where you hate it when sober, but then lose your inhibition and go crazy wild when someone plays it at a party

    • Anonymous

      Every Gaga song made… ever.

  • http://andiegoddessofpickles.blogspot.com/ Andie

    I’m so very guilty of this.  I’m going through these very stages with Selena Gomez’s “Love You Like A Love Song”

    I am not proud.

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    L-U-V MADONNA

  • Anonymous


    When the song is over, you’re breathing heavily.” <—- Every Adele song, ever.

  • http://www.lovelysim.com/ LDiggitty

    You forgot stage 7! When the romance wears off, and you f*cking can’t stand the song anymore. You start to whine: “It’s SO overplayed” to people but fail to mention that you downloaded the whole album not two weeks before. 

    • Sara

      now you’re just somebody that i used to know

    • trobs

      EXACTLY!

  • Guest2

    Should this include a disclaimer that this is for elitist assholes? Either a song is good or it is not. The existance of “guilty” pleasures reflect more on the consumer rather than the product.

  • http://twitter.com/SofondaDildos Caliope/Καλλιόπη

     All Gaga, Katy Perry and Adele. I also tend to get addicted to almost every musical song, from Cats to Sweeney Todd.

    • Tom

      Check out The Book of Mormon soundtrack!

  • MP9090909

    RACK CITY, BITCH.

  • Guestropod

    I know I’m permanently gone to a pop song when I’m looking at lyrics videos on youtube to help me belt it out BETTER

  • coco

    this is so ridiculously true, it’s not even funny. i’ve had extremely embarassing and cringey situations where friends look at my google history and see “rihanna i’ll drink to that song lyrics” and youtube’s stupid new feature “we recommend for you katy perry teenage dream, because you have recently watched…” and continues on to list a bunch of shitty but catchy and much too likeable pop.

  • Sara

    Biebz did this to me. Baby Baby BAAAABIIIIIIIIIEEEE

    and i downloaded my world 2.0… yep. it happened. also katy perry’s album is great pop. me likey.

  • http://twitter.com/RonanConway Christopher Conway

    if pop-metal counts, my roommate caught me absentmindedly singing dragonforce the other day. I had thought I rationally hated that band, but my subconscious clearly feels otherwise.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    Ugh, the gays and their pop music. (Kidding!) What I find with my music snob friends is that if you proclaim your love for a terrible song with enough confidence (while admitting that it is just catchy and nothing more), they might even be inclined to agree. I, I, I LOVE U LIKE A LOVE, SONG, BAY-BEE.

  • lmfao

    i’ve got passion in my pants and i ain’t afraid to show it. 

  • JCole

    Straight up now tell me do you really wanna lovvvvve me forever oh oh ohhhh..

  • Jemimamoon

    Ahh, this is so great, and made me realise I’ve been reading far too many serious articles on this site…”it doesn’t take long for the notes to weave their way into your hopes and dreams”. Far too true…also, every time I’m at a party and/or drinking, I’m ashamed of the fact that I will belt out and maniacally jump around to ANY AND ALL crappy pop tunes that are played…

  • Anonymous

    Dr Pepper is actually trademarked without the period after Dr…… Yes I do know this and also follow them on Twitter. #dpaddictproblems

  • http://www.facebook.com/sepenukn Norma Sepenuk

    I have to admit- Adele, Drake, and Lil Wayne  are DEFINITELY my pop crack. Try and try as I might, I just cant resist replaying their songs. Oh, and I only sing Adele when I’m ALONE in the car- and I belt it

  • http://rustyrhinosaurus.wordpress.com rustyrhinosaurus

    Reblogged this on Slimy yet Satisfying..

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