14 Reasons I Know It's Not Going To Work Out With Him

I’ve been on a lot of first dates. As it happens, everyone has a gay uncle, or brother, or “guy I went to State with, and OMG you two would totally be perfect.”  That, and I have a witty profile on OkCupid. Below is a (painfully true) list of 14 reasons I didn’t call some men back, and why I will still be single this Valentine’s Day.

1. He doesn’t really “do” ethnic food. He doesn’t eat tomatoes, either. “It’s a texture thing,” which means squash, zucchini, and watermelon are also out, “but ketchup is totally fine.” So, chicken strips it is, I guess.

2. He winked after telling me he’d be in touch. And not in the endearing, you’re-totally-safe-with-me kind of way. More that classic, open-mouthed, I-swear-Russian-roulette’s-a-fun-game vibe.

3. He watches NarutoIt’s not that I think white people who watch anime are weird; I just think white people who watch anime are weird.

4. He’s surprised I’m still wearing the jeans from last season. I’m surprised my jeans even have a season.

5. His tattoo says “Warrior.” To be fair, it’s not that he has a tattoo. It’s more the fact that it’s in French, and that he’s “fighting for love,” that makes it hard to take him seriously.

6. He sent me a text after coffee. This would have been an endearing gesture, but then I read it: “Ur really cute lolz.” Yikes. Thx, bro.

7. He listens to Nickleback.

8. He has really nice abs. But I only know because he’s shirtless in four of his seven profile pictures.

9. He giggles when I ask if he’s been following the caucuses. He flirtatiously smiles at the table before he looks at me: “I thought that was private.”

10. He’s “like, kind of afraid of black people.” Which, like, kind of makes him a racist.

11. He mentions that his “f-cking ex-boyfriend couldn’t even pay rent,” before I finish my coffee. Turns out the boyfriend cheated, too. “I mean, what was I supposed to do?” Hide behind your mug, and raise your eyebrows, which is what I do.

12. He laughs when I ask him what kind of books he likes to read. This makes the part of the conversation where I tell him I studied literature in college kind of awkward.

13. He gets flustered when the woman at the counter says they “don’t sell biscuits.” He points in the display, half-laughing, and says, “I’m sorry, I meant the cookie.” He tells me sometimes he forgets the words are different here than they are in England. The thing is, he was only there for two weeks last summer.

14. He doesn’t work. Well, he does, “but it’s complicated.” TC mark

image – Mario Carvajal


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  • Creme Caramel

    I think by “white” you mean “western”. Seeing as Japanese people are white skinned. Unless, of course, you’re one of those people that just classifies all Asians as “yellow”, which would make you almost as bad as that number 10 you described. Just saying.

    • Anonymous

      Are we really discussing this in 2012? Really?

      • http://www.facebook.com/nomatterwhatyoudo Chris Kay

        Yes, because Todd Baby here just named 14 of many ways I’m still doing it wrong in 2012 :3

      • Anonymous

        As you can see, I was replying to “Creme Caramel ” :)

    • Jenn

      yeah guys! it’s okay, don’t worry, Asian people are just as normal as us whites.

    • Hyrule

      I agree about the anime comment. I know lots of Hispanics and blacks who are extremely into anime. That comment was subtle racist.

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      japanese people are no more white than caucasian (but obviously, colloquially, ‘white’) people are. nobody is white skinned except for albinos. stop discriminating against albinos. how do i flag you for hate criming?

      • J_kitz

        Albino is not an ethnicity/nationality, that’s a false equivalency.

      • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan


    • Taylor Johnson

      Super interesting inferences you made there, Creme Caramel. Wow-za.

      I think by “white” he mean “white.” As in, one of the most well known racial categories that is used in the United States. As in, referring to the “Caucasian race.” As in…well, you may not be familiar with said categorical terminology–not your fault, I guess some people out there are raised differently (?)–but here are a few other appropriate sociological terms that may better clarify what he means by “white:”

      – white (wo)man’s burden
      – white privilege
      – white flight
      – black/white paradigm
      – white america

      • J_kitz

        Creme Caramel was talking about “white” in the context of Japaneseness. The author clearly meant white as Western, because his problem was with a non-Japanese person watching anime. Presumably, he would have the same problem with an African American watching anime.

    • Guest

      I’m a TC lurker, but I feel compelled to address this. 

      I’m asian; I’m yellow skinned. I don’t ever feel offended by being referred to as such. I would be incredibly confused if someone came up to me and called me “white skinned. ” This does not make you more PC. It’s not correct, it’s just weird. Just saying.

  • Markhamf

    That person sucks. Good call.

  • kgb

    PC is getting as bad as religion.  You have your idea of what’s acceptable, fine.  Just quit nagging everyone else when they don’t do it the same way.
    Doesn’t mean they’re wrong, just NOT LIKE YOU.

    • J_kitz

      I don’t think those yellow people are wrong, they’re just NOT LIKE US

  • J_kitz

    Thinking that “white people” who watch anime are “weird” “like, kind of makes” you ” a racist”.

    Aside from what Creme Caramel has already pointed out, that you conflate “white” with “Western”, do you think Japanese culture is unfit for “white” consumption?

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      nope but the stereotyped western/white/WHATEVER kids who watch it are weird, weird, weird, weird. i might be projecting, but i doubt he has a problem with anime/manga/etc itself. i have yet to meet someone who likes it and doesn’t lack basic social skills. maybe todd’s experienced the same thing.

      • J_kitz

        Saying “western/white/WHATEVER” doesn’t really help, especially when Creme Caramel white clearly, clarified the issue.

        If you’re talking about “otaku”, or it’s Western equivalent then I can kind of understand, (I can’t really explain “otaku” very well and have no idea if the concept actually has any basis in reality, or is just basically just a Japanese stereotype, but it generally refers to young men who shun normal life (offline social contact, relationships, working and bathing) so they can live in their parents basements and spend every waking second obssessing over specific anime series and characters. I guess they are all the worst attributes of a geek or nerd, distilled and amplified.

        I can understand *that*, but what the author is refering to is anyone who is not Japanese watching anime, that’s very different. Anime is hardly obscure, Spirited Away won an Oscar

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    #preach, todd.

  • Loner

    jesh, who cares (noted to all above comments regarding race and ethnicity) this is funny. just got with it and laugh 

    • J_kitz

      People who don’t like racism, it’s fairy self explanatory.

  • Caroline T.

    some things are so obvious that they don’t need saying. and so obvious that they’re not really that funny.

  • Danes_18

    wow people its a funny blog. GET OVER IT and go find  a real cause. 

  • Anonymous

    13 is kindle hilarious lol

  • DannyG

    Todd, marry me.  That was perfect.

  • Rinay Sutton

    Everyone’s racist to a degree. Get over it.

    • Beer

      yeah this comment sums up the worldview of commenters on this retarded website pretty well

    • No

      how about NO

  • ugh central

    Being enamored with your own ego and/or wrapping it in underwhelming wit = best way to ensure that you’ll be single for many Valentine’s Days to come.

  • Alex

    15. He asks to go up to your apartment to “go to the bathroom”, but then you catch him a few minutes later scooping your roommate’s protein powder, confused and mumbling “I’m sure he won’t mind!”

    16. He excitedly shows you his YouTube playlist of “Power Pop Divas”. 

    17. He recommends you his favourite anti-wrinkle creams. Dude, I’m 20. 

    18. He calls the Crystal Castles “noise”. This isn’t bitchy I guess and probably a fair opinion, but no, we will not be dating. 

    19. He insists on making you dinner, boils some pasta, and then excitedly tells you that “this worked out WAY better than last time!!!!”

    20. He invites you over but “you have to act cool… my roommates don’t know I’m gay.”

    • http://twitter.com/shallowechos TRES

      undercover homo who doesn’t like crystal castles or cooking? no, no, no

  • Caleb

    Dude what the heck? You’re gay? That’s disgusting.  Why would you even write about that?

    • Guest

      Your intelligence is inspiring. 

    • another guest

      are you the same caleb that worked at as a waiter at a bar that recently shut down?

  • http://twitter.com/_grace317 Grace KM Wong

    Number 7!  I’m laughing so hard right now; my ex was majorly into them. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work the moment he told me that. 

  • Guest

    nickelback should be the number one reason.

  • SomeGuest

    Wow. Did you stick around with these people until the end of the date? For some of them, I would’ve just grabbed my food to-go and ditched. You know, to go do that important thing I forgot about.

  • AJ

    Nickleback and aversion to books, Preach it.

  • Steph

    Ahh, #7 being self-explanatory made me chuckle.


    it’s nickelback you bitch

  • Mac

    I tried to overlook the ethnic food with my last bf but literally McDonald’s and burger king don’t count as date spots
    And books, and if they say they hate Harry potter

  • hfg

    I actually think the point of this list, that a lot of people are missing, is being nit picky as fuck with the people you date will inevitably leave you as a pretentious single asshole. I absolutely agree that things like number 10 and even 11 or 12 are NOT OKAY, but most of the things listed are so unimportant and ridiculous that you should read them and laugh at their absurdity. If I like someone, I will like them even if they enjoy Nickelback. That’s love for you. 

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