45 Things I Will Teach My Daughter

(1) Don’t post vague announcements on Facebook. My daughter will not be that person.

(2) Don’t bite your nails.

(3) Don’t pick your cuticles.

(4) Just leave your damn fingers alone. Trust me, it’s a habit too hard to be broken.

(5) If you have a dream about drinking a lot of water (more specifically from an outdoor garden hose) it’s because you drank too much.

(6) Don’t drink too much too often, college is okay. But after that things get messy.

(7) Clear the timer on the microwave when you’re done. No one like thats asshole who leaves time up.

(8) Know how to change a tire. So then you can teach me…

(9) A fridge shelf/drawer won’t clean itself. Then again in your time it might. You’re lucky. Cleaning the fridge is the worst.

(10) It’s okay to feed stray cats, but don’t let them sleep in your bed with you because they might give you ringworm.

(11) Don’t pick your nose in the car. Contrary to popular belief, people can still see you.

(12) Less makeup is more. Unless it’s winter. Then more bronzer is more and that’s always the way to go.

(13) But speaking of makeup, make sure your face and neck always match. I don’t care if you have to paint your neck brown, just make sure they match.

(14) Love who you want to love.

(15) Unless the person is a douche bag. I will not tolerate douchbaggery of any sort.

(16) Always charge your phone before game days and big holidays.

(17) Better yet, always put a phone charger in your purse.

(18) Put on sunscreen everywhere, all of the time. Sun spots run in the family…

(19) Make sure your toes are always painted. (Because ugly feet run in this family, as well.)

(20) Don’t date a guy who won’t put the toilet seat down. It’s just not worth it.

(21) Be a dreamer.

(22) No gym selfies EVER. If you work out, good for you. The world doesn’t need to know.

(23) Don’t be afraid to be the only girl in elementary school who gets seconds on baked beans. The boys will probably chant “beans beans the magical fruit” around you, but who cares, baked beans are delicious.

(24) Be weary of people who don’t say “bless you” after a sneeze.

(25) Live in a big city for at least little while in your life.

(26) Do something that makes you uncomfortable.

(27) Listen to Tony Robbins. (I guess this could be 26.)

(28) Celebrate the hell out of birthdays. And half birthdays too.

(29) Always take note of whether the drawer under a stove is in fact a drawer, or if it’s actually a broiler.

(30) No bikini profile photos/cover photos on Facebook. I don’t want to have to judge my own daughter. Same goes for duck face, “glancing” at the camera from over your shoulder, or provocatively biting your lip. Like I said, don’t make me hate my own daughter for being a creep.

(31) Learn to be a morning person. I haven’t figured out how to do this yet, but I’d love if it I could somehow teach my imaginary children to be able to do so.

(32) When your gas light comes on, just go get gas already. No need to push it until it makes you nervous.

(33) Some dishwashers just do a shitty job.

(34) Don’t Snapchat. Then again if Snapchat’s still around when you’re here the world is probably going to end soon anyway.

(35) Golf.

(36) Resist the urge to be an asshole in high school. And in life. And while driving. (Do as I say, not as I do.)

(37) Never repeat a joke twice at a party because you don’t think people heard you. They heard you, it just wasn’t funny.

(38) Don’t be lazy, toilet paper goes on a roll.

(39) If you’re about to get a speeding ticket there’s no shame in crying in front of an officer.

(40) Don’t do a medical study for money.

(41) Then again, it’s a great life experience.

(42) Do a medical study at least once.

(43) Never get a hair cut and color when you’re already having a bad day.

(44) Watch and memorize Saving Silverman. Just trust me on this one.

(45) Have fun. Or at least try to look like you’re having fun. Nobody likes the Debbie Downer of the group.