The 7 Stages Of Waking Up After Drinking Too Much
By Tyler Cliff
1. Fuck.
Your head hurts. Actually, scratch that, your entire existence hurts. You can’t drink the way you used to when you were twenty and wake up from a blackout to go to the gym. You’re a member of the real world now, and your headache is so bad that you’re seriously considering checking yourself into the hospital to stop the pain. If your head doesn’t hurt yet, it will in an hour or so because you’re still drunk.
2. Why Am I Alone?
You’ve been seeing the same person for a few weeks and the last thing you remember is texting them to come meet you at the bar. Oh fuck, you think to yourself, what did I say or do that caused them not to come home with me and thus wake up alone? And if you don’t have the lonesome luxury of waking up alone, then you’re probably wondering the even worse thought…
3. Who The Fuck Is Next To Me?
You’re either lying behind an unfamiliar head or being cuddled by a random pair of arms. Your heart rate shoots up and you think of the smoothest way you can sneak a peak at their face. If you’ve actually figured out an unawkward way to handle this situation, please shoot me an email at taylorschlossberg@yahoo.com because I’d love to know.
4. Why Am I Almost Naked?
You’re wearing a weird combination of clothing, like socks, a shirt, and absolutely nothing else. Or sometimes all you’re wearing underneath your covers are your shoes. Not only will you most likely never know why you’re this strange variety of nude, but you probably don’t want to know.
5. WHERE IS MY PHONE?!?
It’s probably still in your purse or pants pocket, but until you reach your corpse of an arm on the floor and feel around to find it in your pile of clothes, you’re in sheer and utter panic that you lost it in your drunken stupor.
6. I Cannot Go To Work/Class/Any Other Obligation.
They say that if you start failing your responsibilities because of your partying, then you have a problem and should stop drinking. If that’s not motivation enough to suck up the hangover and rally through the workday then I don’t know what is. My advice is to make yourself throw up at home so that you don’t accidentally do it at work.
7. I’m Never Drinking Again.
Ha, that’s funny.