10 Ways To Look Like The Most Successful Writer At A Coffee Shop

The Simpsons
The Simpsons

1) Having A Plethora Of Cords

It’s important that everyone knows you’re down with technology. Plug all your devices in. Be swimming in a sea of cords. Charge your Macbook, plug your phone into your computer to keep a solid charge on it, have your earbuds in. Multiple flash-drives are also recommended, so it appears you have a slew of projects you’re working on and trying to balance. Just look very inundated with technology in general as if you’re plugged into the mainframe of everything, even though most of what you’re doing is simply being distracted. 

2) Checking Every Device On Your Person

Now that you’re good and charged up and plugged in, it’s important that you continually check and refresh every device that you have. Nothing shows you’re a successful writer more than looking extremely busy. Always checking your phone makes everyone else in the coffee shop wonder how you handle it all. Well, apparently you’re a highly successful writer, that’s how! Hopefully, they don’t realize you’re just incessantly refreshing no new notifications/emails/etc. hoping an actual line of employment has come your way.

3) Typing Loudly Enough That People Know You’re Indeed Typing Something

The most important factor in appearing to be the most successful writer at a coffee shop is for everyone to know that you are in fact writing something. Typing with a vigor that is loud and ferocious allows fellow coffee shop dwellers to know that you’re the most successful of the bunch. The decibel level of your typing indicates you’re pounding away your Pulitzer Prize worthy poignant point of view that the planet needs to process.

4) Having A Journal Sitting Out

When taking on the look of a successful writer that intimidates other people trying to work out their screenplays or whatever, it is important to remember to have a journal sitting out. Have the journal open to a page full of scribbles with a pen sitting on it. Frequently scribble things down as if you’re an idea incubator and you can’t be stopped in your writing madness. Nobody needs to realize you’ve just doodled and wrote, “Why can’t I think of anything?” multiple times. It’s all about looking like a successful writer more than anything.

5) Laughing To Yourself In Frequent Beats Of Time

Other people at the coffee shop need evidence you’re making progress. Laugh at yourself every once in a while so it appears you’re writing pure gold on the pages. Everybody else appears frustrated or lost, but you’re over here making waves in the writing industry.

6) Looking Around Constantly To See If Anyone Notices Your Geniusness

Has anyone noticed how busy you’ve been since you’ve been here? Look around to see if they notice your progress and that they’re jealous of your inherently obvious writing successes.

7) Stare Longingly Out The Window

This gives you the look of a deeply intellectual being. Other coffee shop attendees will see that you’re deep in thought and wonder what it’s about and what it’ll translate into on the page. Never mind that you’re just thinking about what you want to do for dinner, the idea is that you look like a thought provoking individual who’s about to recreate writing history in this coffee shop. 

8) Rub Your Eyes And Sigh

Again, the writing process has put its talons into you and your brain is trying to wrap around this insurmountable fight. You’ve been staring out the window and now you’re really contemplating things. Make sure everyone sees how much effort you put into this deep eye rub and hearty sigh, so they will realize how hard you’re thinking about this piece of writing. They don’t need to know you’re saying to yourself, “Come on, think of something you dummy!”

9) In General, Touch Every Part Of Your Head

Running your hands through your hair, putting your hands over mouth and/or rubbing your neck is the true look of a successful writer who is mulling over the idiosyncrasies of subject/predicate peculiarities. It doesn’t actually matter that you’re trying not to have a mental breakdown wondering when and if this idea will ever come to you. 

10) Clean Your Glasses With Your T-Shirt And Nod Your Head Like You’re Onto Something

You’ve apparently taken a break from your masterpiece to clean off those prescription bifocals and are happy with the progress of your writing, so a slight nod lets other coffee shop writers know that things are going well for you, and then they will truly have the idea in their head that you’re a successful writer. Forget the fact that you’re nodding because in your head you’re muttering, “It’ll all be okay. You can do this. Do NOT cry in public.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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