8 People You Don’t Know, Which Inexplicably Makes You A Moron

It doesn’t matter how cool you are, or how connected you are in the local community, or even how far reaching your friend group is—you can’t possibly know everybody or everything, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, today’s standards would indicate otherwise: you’re a moron if you didn’t know (that person) before now. The best advice is to just nod your head and smile when faced with these scenarios.

1. The host of this super sweet party that needs to stay on the “D.L.”

Sample Scenario: “You don’t even know the guy hosting that party? WOW, wait…really? Okay, well I know him and I can bring you with me, but do NOT tell anyone about it! The party is super chill just some close friends and stuff. I can’t believe you don’t even know him!”

2. This band that’s up and coming

Sample Scenario: “You don’t even know Slum Ford Tee Won And Suns? I’ve totally been following them from the beginning. Actually I’m friends with a few of them on Facebook. It’s no big deal, I guess. I mean, I’m sure you’ll know them eventually…like when they sell out and stuff. You should check them out on MySpace. Yeah, they’re kind of reverse pioneers in marketing themselves. It’s pretty punk rock.”

3. Your best friend’s best friend

Sample Scenario: “Oh, this is weird. You don’t know Rick? He’s been my best friend for a long time. Well, so have you, but so has he. So crazy you two haven’t met before! I can’t believe you don’t know him. I meet up with him for drinks at least twice a week. Haha. My bad you guys. Glad to finally bring you two together since you didn’t even know each other. This isn’t a weird vibe at all. We all totally get along—honestly.”

4. This snobby kid’s dad

Sample Scenario: “You didn’t even know that, that kid’s dad works at some big time bank when you messed up his latte, did you? Oh my God, you are so dumb! He’s totally going to get really pissed off at you, because he is absolutely entitled to do so! You’re an idiot for not knowing who his dad is; it’s so obvious! Didn’t you see his car outside which cost more than your house and his super sweet Polo shirt? HELLO! For real though you need to know who this kid’s dad is.”

5. This bartender at the cool pub downtown

Sample Scenario: “Seriously? You’ve don’t even know Willis at Scotch on the Rocks My Socks Off…really? I can get us some killer deals. He’ll totally give you free shots since you’re with me. I’m just blown away you don’t know him. I’m totally in with him. We’re really cool with each other. We might even hangout together sometime when he’s not at work. WOW though. You need to get out more if you don’t know Willis.”

6. This obscure comedian

Sample Scenario: “You don’t even know this jokester? Seriously? He’s so funny! Okay, listen to this right now…Okay that was a little weird. Yeah, wait for it. Haha, right? Hmmm. It was funnier the first time I heard it. Do you like it? Admittedly he’s rather strange, but I don’t know—I like it. Okay that part was a little racist, but he’s funny though! Right?…RIGHT? Well, he’s really popular. Anyway, we don’t have to listen to the whole thing. I’m seriously just shocked you don’t know him.”

7. This whimsical indie film maker

Sample Scenario: “DUDE! You haven’t seen these weird-ass movies? What? I can’t believe you don’t know this guy!”

8. You significant other’s best friend’s significant other

Sample Scenario: “You two have met before. Right? Oh, I guess not. Wow, can’t believe you two don’t know each other. Well, we’re going to leave you alone so you can change that. Have fun!”