Love. It’s a word that society throws around when most of the time it is just lust. How do you truly decide when it is actually love? Isn’t there always the fear that the person will never truly love you back, and all of the energy was wasted? I guess that is the reason I have never truly fallen in love someone because of the fear of disappointment. Throughout your lifespan, you see genuine love, but on the other end of the spectrum you have seen failing relationships left and right. It makes a person like myself confused as to why people say “I love you,” if the next day it is “I hate you.”
It’s the idea of uncertainty that makes love so intriguing, yet so terrifying. You can give your whole heart to someone, and they could either pick it up or leave it there lying on the floor. Falling in love takes so much out of a person and knowing someone may not feel the same way, makes it hard for me to even think about loving another person. Those three words, eight letters can go one of two ways, and it’s hard to admit today in society it ends up negatively most of the time.
I’ve always been someone who defended love, been in love with the idea of love, and hoping to one day experience that kind of love, but growing up it’s always been on the back burner. Girls can talk about love for hours and say they can’t wait to fall in love, but there is always that little voice in the back of your head reminding you that in the end this may not end in your favor so if you dodge the bullet now, it will save the heart break. It may be the easy route, but it’s always been the safe road. It’s hard to live on the edge when it comes to love because lets be honest, you really don’t want to fall off the cliff.
Not everything works out and most of the time it is for the best. Sometimes people grow up, but if one believes that you grow out of love, I do not think the love was ever real. If it were actual love the idea of not being with them would hurt every bone of your body. There would be no doubt in your mind that this can’t work out. The fact people give up so easily is why I am fearful no one in my future will bring forth their best effort making it not worth even going for it in the first place.
People always say take a leap of faith, but sometimes you just aren’t ready to get up if you do fall. You aren’t ready for the repercussions of your choices or thoughts. The idea of something is better than the actual thing and that is a scary thought. When you actually get what you want, you realize it just wasn’t what you actually imagined.
This back and forth argument in my mind is not a constant problem, but sometimes I realize it consumes my thoughts. I don’t think about me loving someone, but the people who are in love around me. The endings to relationships seems to fill the screens of television rather than those that actually work out and I can not fathom the idea that people would rather focus on the bad relationships than the good ones. It would seem that people would like to see all of the good love brings, but for some reason people like to focus on the bad and it is setting a not so good example for the generations to come.
Somehow in all of this there is a part of me that does believe in soulmates and true love. Maybe this state of philophobia isn’t permanent and with time it slowly won’t be a problem that I have. Until I find a reason to believe otherwise, I guess I’ll just constantly have an unwanted fear of falling in love.